Pain changes people.It makes them trust less and shut people out.
Dear D,
You must be wondering why I have been ignoring you these few weeks?! (At least, that's what I thought). It's ok if the answer is no. I get it. You live your own life. Others won't matter. Myself included.
Sebabnye, if you can ignore me, why can't I? Tp at one point aku x tergamak actually. The reason? Ok. Last we texted, what was it about? I did say something. And as usual ko ignore... many many days. TAPI, apa yg aku perasan.. ko boleh pulak respond to ur fb friends.. replying them?! (Don't worry, in case if u wish to argue, I did save some screenshots). Kat sini pun dah nampak mcm mana ko layan aku.
Another reason. The same reason actually. You ignored me. Bukan sekali, bukan dua kali. Berkali-kali. Sometimes bile ko x ignore, ko skip. I never forget buddy! I remember all the details. Sadly, I think I deserve more than this. I deserve to be treated nicer. Why? I sacrificed a lot for you. Biarlah, aku nak ungkit jugak. While I was away... faaaar from you, I was presented with many occasions in which senang saja aku nk makan luar. Having fun, going out with random people. Sangat senang. Did I go for it? NO. Why? Sbb aku ingat OUR PROMISES!!! And I stick to those. Tapi sedihnya, ko kat sini...what did you do? Ask yourself.
Lagi reason nya. Aku memang kecik hati dgn ko. U promised to go to KL and celebrate your bday together. I even made plans. I could've left UMP early to your place. Tapi bile tau ko dah pun ada plan nk ke sana...n u even went to pavi with them. AKu sgt2 sedih la and I felt so heartbroken. Even when I was sad pun, can u at least wait n go with me instead? Tapi tak.
Another reason. Again, you ignored me. Hina sangat ke aku mintak itu sume dgn ko??? Jijik sangat ke aku ni? You kept giving excuses. Kenapa the same time last year boleh, kenapa tahun ni x boleh? Did I go and see someone? Tak! Did I ask from someone else? Tak? I asked only from you coz I thought u were special. Tapi... u chose to ignore.
Another reason. Ko janji nk hantar video or pics of ur kid on a regular basis. Tapi mana??? Aku ok ke tak, a promise is a promise!!! Ntahla, everyday, ko makin bagi aku reasons to leave. Takpelah... aku rasa lebih baik mcm ni since ko pun dah xde komitment to this relationship. Takpelah maybe ko dah ade org lain. Maybe ko dah pun eat out. Knowing u lah, u tend to do those stuff.
I purposely installed bnda2 bodoh tu just to piss u off. Sedihnya... sekejap je.. after dua hari dah uninstall. Why? Aku bosan. Sume fake dlm tu. I did save some screenshots of how many pervs yg hantar msg. Did I reply? No. Did I share my pics with a 'blanket'? NO. Why? Aku still pegang janji aku (walaupun dua hari tu I did feel guilty).
Memang aku sedih la. Tapi marah mcm mana pun aku, sedih macam mana pun aku. Aku still amek tau. No matter aku nk let go mcm mana pun, aku x dpt stop dari amek tau pasal ko. Not from you, but from ur family. Dapat tau ko sihat, happy from ur mom sgt la buat aku lega. Sbb aku tau kalau aku contact ko, ko akan ckp ko sdih la itu la ini la. Bullshit. Everything is ok.
Terdetik jgk aku nk pegi spend masa dgn ko kt sana. Last week, asal2 aku nk ke sana. Tp x jadi. Aku fikir, kenapa aku yg nk kene beria pegi sana. Kenapa aku yg selalu kene pegi sana? Kenapa bila dh kene layan mcm sampah mcm org bodoh ni, still nk ke sana?! Why? So I went to Jengka instead. Did u ask ur friend what happen? kalau kita masih kawan, aku dah mengadu kt ko apa jadi malam tu. Tapi xpelah. Sekarang aku simpan sorang2 je.
Aku keluar ump pun sorang2 je, xde pun nk farewell. Aku masuk umt sorang2 je xde pun nk harap ko datang sini at least jumpa aku sekali. Kalau betul la aku yang jahat d, kenapa tak masa aku kt oz lagi aku dh let go atau buat ape yg ko x suka???? Aku kt sini je kot. Kenapa sekarang? Why now? Sebab aku dah x tahan dgn cara ko layan aku. Ye bagi ko kecik saje punca nya. It's commitment. If you cared at least, you would give me what I ask everytime I ask for it. Why? Sebab aku xde org lain. Aku x dikelilingi kwn2 mcm ko. Why can't u see how lonely I am?! Why can't u see kenapa aku perlu sume tu? Tapi ko tak... u chose to ignore jugak.
Aku dah cakap d. Sekali dua ko buat aku mc ni, aku boleh lagi sabar. Ni dh bnyk kali ko buat and aku dah x bole dah. Aku sedih n tawar hati sangat2. Ye ko memang busy. I get it. Tapi boleh je bagi bila ko x busy. Kenapa org lain lagi penting ke? U cannot even spend masa dgn aku dah ke? Ko dah x bole bagi itu ini kt aku dah ke? Tapi... sepanjang aku online aku tgk ko bole je respond kt org lain...cume aku je ko x bole respond. So fikirlah sendiri apa aku rasa. I have eyes, I have brain. I can think la.
Tapi kecik hati ke marah ke aku still jaga. Aku xde pun nk post aku pegi spend masa dgn adik bradik kita yg lain. Ada je aku ke sana. Tapi ko... ntah la. Aku rasa mmg dah xde meaning pun kita ni. Sbb tu la aku mintak kita let go. Makin hari ko makin buat aku sedih. Bukan nye ko nk respon or at least justify the situation. Ko ignore. Ko skip. Pastu ko pretend mcm xde ape jadi. Baguslah.
Aku tau ko happy sebenarnya aku nk keluar dari hidup ko. Sbb ko dah ada ramai kwn2. Tapi aku dah. i keep my circle of friends small je. Kalau aku dah sayang, aku akan sayang yg tu je. Tapi kalau dah tawar hati, nk buat mcm mana.
Last skali, aku nk mintak maaf sume skali salah aku. Again, kalau ko rasa benda yg aku mintak tu x penting, maknanya ko masih x kenal aku. Aku rasa ko x pnah peduli pun sbnarnya. Ade ko amek tau? All u care is u, u n u. Tu belum masuk lagi pasal family. Tapi xpe lah. Nk harap call memang xlah. Ye lah busykan. Busy melayan org lain. So aku sedar la sape aku. Cermin kalau dh pecah xbole nk elok balik. Aku x rasa kita akan ok. Aku x rasa kita akan jumpa lagi dah lepas ni. Aku selesa hidup sorang2 mcm ni. Aku nk jadi mcm dulu balik. All my trust is gone after I met u. Ko pun sama je mcm org lain. Cakap je lebih, janji je lebih. Last2, ignore je.
Good luck anyway. Lepas ni pls jgn lyn org lain mcm ko layan aku. If u care for someone, ur action will show. If u love someone, fight n dont give excuses. Aku rasa aku layak buat mcm ni bila fikir balik apa yg ko dah buat kt aku slama ni. Ye ko memang baik. Sume org nampak ko baik. Yg jahat sume aku. At least aku bgtau kt ko aku install benda tu. Xpelah. Biarlah ko yg aku kenal aku sorang je tau. Ape2 pasal ko sume aku cakap baik2. Sbb ko mmg baik.
Keep ignoring me. Thank you for making me this way.
