The Hardest Breakup..."I'm not worth as much as you"

10.01pm - Got out from shower, read a text message from xx...asked me to meet him.

10.14pm - Headed outside, went straight to 7-e,
- Bought myself a pack of Dentyne and a bottle of Tropicana Twister.

10.30pm - xx arrived with his brand new, cool yellow shirt. "Always the real thing" Then, we walked and walked and walked...

10.39pm - Tried to cross the road, but the traffic..wheew.. I crossed the road, ALONE...I crossed the road without even holding xx's hand!!! I left him!

10.41pm - We sat on the divider. Silent. My lame question.."Dah dinner?". Silent. He said, "You do know that my hands are empty...".Then I said, "Yeah...so?" How stupid was I???

11.02pm - Still silent. 'Cricket'

11.04pm - xx asked "Is there anything you want to say?"
- How stupid I was by replying, "No...nothing" when all I really wanted to say was, "I'm sorry"

11.06pm - I did say sorry out of nowhere...NOT EVEN LOOKING AT HIS FACE! Then he said, "Sorry for what? You did nothing wrong!!!"...Then I said..."Ok.." That's all!????
- He told me "I love you!" and I kept being silent... Damn... I could not even reply that!!!

11.34pm - xx told me he was badly hurt. "Badly crashed!" with what I've done the other day. And I completely did nothing. The best I could say was.."I know"..That's it??? I could see how hurt he was and I did..technically nothing. And I could not even look into his eyes and tell him straight what I wanted to say.
- The way he's hurt...is like, a heart is being slashed and crashed with a hammer and chainsaw. xx offered me his hand but...I DID NOTHING!

11.52pm - xx proved to me that he would do anything.. he even crossed the road without looking at the cars and hoping somebody will hit him! Yet, I slowly walked and grabbed his hand and said, "Please..don't do that..." That's all??? He said.."You need a break!.." I could see his point. He'd do anything for me.. But me???

12.04pm - He left.....

12.06pm - I was hoping that xx would look at me for the last time..but..after all I've done?? I took a longer way home and called someone and asked some advice...I oughted to cry but..NOTHING... I don't know myself anymore. xx called. Again, the best thing I've said was "I can't talk right now" and hung up.
...................
01.05am - I got home. My buddies were sleeping already. I called him...and I said "Sorry, I really am...I know you've hurt.." "When you said I needed a break. Yes, its true..and I will leave. I have to leave. I don't wanna hurt you anymore. Please forgive me for everything and just be happy."

Then he texted me "How could you, how could you, how could you...like I thot, I thot u'll try to win me back..but...how could you" Then I replied "I have to, I'm bad, really bad. I don't even know how to make you happy. I can't even ease u when u cry. I can't even hold ur hands..at least, tis is the good thing I ever do for u...u'll never get hurt after dis...find a better person n dun find a boy like me n b happy"

I called him...with sweat in my eyes...I could feel his pain. He's taken 10 pills already and 5 more to go... I don't want this..but..it's the best. I'm guilty, yet I could not even say sorry!!!. I'm beyond idiotic! I don't think I'm good enough for xx. I crashed xx already!

I want xx back. I really do. But, I am toooooo ego to admit that. Perhaps, its the best for him. I just hope, xx will be happy after this! I'm sorry for everything and I know, sorry is not good enough. I'll eat my own bitterness and swallow my misery after this. I don't know myself anymore. Please hate me!!!

Just one thing for xx..."I'm not worth as much as you!!!"

Seriously, what is wrong with me???? Fuck me!