(Sigh)
You should not start your day with a sigh! Ok then, Hmmm...
I hope my series of gloomy days will soon come to an end. I really need to focus on other things now; assignments and social life per say.
If ever I pointed out these questions to everyone on Earth, I wonder how everybody would respond to them. (I wonder).
What do you want in life? What do you want from life?
My answer is simple yet the solutions are dizzily complicated. I WANT TO BE HAPPY! Don't I deserve to be happy like the rest of you?
Honestly, few months ago... or should I say... it started about a year ago... I had many reasons to be happy. My main reason was YOU. Yup, I have to admit, I was happy all the way when we were together. Oh boy, that was then.
I still remember the first time of my first times.
- The first time you taught me how to ride your Modenas bike. (The best memory of you)
- The first time you let me drive your ayah's Land Rover
- The first time you said "I love you" to me.
- The first time you sang (Wechat) and dedicated a song to me; Cinta Sesungguhnya.
- The first time your mak prepared me her specially-made sambal belacan for me.
- The first time you brought me to try Kari Kepala Ikan in Bangsar.
- The first time you took me for dinner at an arabic restaurant; Sawarbina.
- The first time you took me to Masjid India.
- The first time you took me to Genting.
- The first time you took me to a Thai Massage parlor.
- The first time you took me for ice skating.
The list goes on and on. There are so many first times for me. I will treasure everything, all memories of those. Come to think of it, what are some of my first times to you? I have no idea. Oh, the first time I held your arms, the first time we kissed, the first time we hugged, the first time I kissed your cheeks, the first time I kissed your forehead and just a few others. Oh boy.
Am I still living in the past? Yeah, I am delusional. Oh God, no. Let me tell you something. Those seem-like endless list helps me to go on with my life so far and makes me happy. Remembering those good old days puts a smile on my face every day. How I wish to go back in time and revisit those moments... I miss you.. A LOT!
So, what am I going to do now? I am going to suppress this stupid feeling of love and keep it somewhere in my heart. Please note that nothing will change my love for you. I cannot undo my love for you anymore. I have decided to fake my feelings of happiness from now on.
Fake my feelings? How? I am going to pretend that I am happy. You see, feelings follow actions. If I am feeling down, I will act like I am happy and eventually (crossing my fingers :)) I will find happiness in what I am doing. If I am angry at someone, I will try to put myself in his shoes and eventually (crossing my fingers again), my anger towards him will soften.
I think this will work. I am going to fake it till I can actually feel it. That is the only option available for the time being. Traveling here and there seems a bit farfetched considering my limited time to socialize and do assignments. Haha.
My feelings for you will never change though. I do not think I can live without you. So, I am keeping you close in my heart and hopefully... somewhere in my heart... when the memories clash I can smile and think of you. I love you. We vowed to love each other till the end of time, didn't we?! Remember all the promises?! You have to keep them!
See?! I told you. I am a Capricorn and I stay loyal. Ok, time's up. I have to go now. Before I leave, I just wanna say... I love you and it hurts so much to miss you from where am I sitting now. :(
I love you. I miss you. I love you every day.
Favorite tracks:
- Cinta Sesungguhnya, How Long Will I Love You, Be Still, I Wanna Grow Old With You, Sahabat Sejati
p/s - Dear Love, if ever you do read this entry, please revisit this link and read it again. I believe it is among my first posts for you. I miss you a lot and I miss you so much buddy!
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