Monophobia

So suddenly,

So strange,

Life wakes you up

and things change.

So suddenly,

It's clear to me,

things change.

Our future...

We live it through somehow.

Don't think I cannot feel there's something wrong

You've been the best part of my life so long

I look in your eyes

I hear your voice

There's a distant light.

There's a distant echo.

Can't you feel the distance?

Hmm.. those are some adaptation of the random lyrics I could recall to describe my feeling at the moment. Today (19 March), the day I felt the distance between us. The gap grows bigger and bigger every day. I have no idea why I have this weird feeling. But it hurts. Maybe due to this loneliness. I feel so lonely.

I am such a monophobic. I have this fear of being alone. The best part is, my fear is developed when I was forced to be apart from my special buddy. Now, I feel like I am living through the days and nights with just half of my heart. I lost my other half. It is with my buddy.

You see buddy, you have always been my support system. This distance is killing me. To make it worse, you have someone else... someone special. I feel insignificant. I feel stupid. Every day, I wait for your texts. Every day I struggle with this question: "Should I or should I not text you?!" I don't want to distract you with your happy, new life. I feel like I am being replaced. Am I being replaced already?! How could you...

Today is Thursday. You will be busy starting from tomorrow till next Wednesday. How am I suppose to carry on with my life if I can't even bare to cope with these few days????? I surrender. I am not strong enough to go through this test. It is the same as not living. My heart is empty. Oh God, I feel so small and stupid. This is killing me! I can't be looking at the phone with empty texts... I can't... I know, I don't have a life. Such a loser I am. Guess what, YOU are my life!

I love you. So freaking much! I love you so much that I start panicking of not having anyone to text to every day. I have no one left... just you. I probably don't have a long life to live for. If it is not for you, I have no purpose of going on.

You called me just now but I went silent all the way. I did not have the guts to tell you what's been bothering my mind. I feel like we are so far away. You have your obligation towards your new life. I understand that. But I am too selfish. I still find it hard to accept that you have got someone else to replace me. Oh God please grant me some strength to carry on.

Please don't leave me like this. I wish you a happy life. I will try to learn on living by myself though I don't think it will work. You have such a huge impact on my life. Again, my entire life is about you.

Dear you, please be happy, have a blissful life buddy!