The Noise

 The noise.

It's too loud!!!!

I can't get it off of my head!

Is this the burden I have to carry for the rest of my life?

The freshness of the voice, it's painfully annoying at times...

But, it also soothes my heart some times...especially when I am feeling awfully low...

.................

Life in retrospect pov. The day mummy left. The machines. "Tetttt.... Ninong, ninong...tuut...pleeet.....ting ting ting...treeeet...trett....tuuuut...tnnnnnnnnnnnnt...tenong tenong...."

Arrrgh, please go away...

It makes one's soul depress...n sad listening to the playback all over again. The day mummy left, I was there....Abah was there. Haikal was there too. We were sad. We cried. We hugged. We talked. "We've tried everything...but...-abah"

I don't know. That day seems like it's just yesterday. It is still fresh and vivid in my mind. I felt the pain and struggle for living through her eyes......

...............

Rase mcm baru semalam. The sound of those machines. Bising. Pening. Chaos. Bilik penuh dgn doctors and nurses. Dr. Lum was there. So that his assistant. Dr. Awal too. Sister pun datang. Mok Ha was crying, trying to calm her down.  

"Asyhaduallailahaillallah...". "Mengucap Lily, megucap..." That's what she said.

Abah genggam erat tgn kanan mummy.

"Ingat Allah 'mi'... asyhaduallailahaillallah....waasyhaduannamuhammadurrasulullah..."

Her eyes....ke atas, ke bawah....what seemed to be obvious was her white eyes.... They said; "malaikat is pulling her soul..."

Dr. Lum panggil abah. Aku ikut. I was next to abah. "There's nothing we can do...Now is the time. We just wait for her to 'leave'..It won't be long... Do pray a lot..." Doctor Lum was very nice. He calmed us.

Ade sorang sister keluar. "I'm sorry..." Abah and I went inside (Room 418). Mummy was gone. "Innalillah.." The machines; "Teeeeeeeeeeeetttttt..." Blood was everywhere. My purple t-shirt was covered with some blood splash. Sayang nak basuh, I kept it in store. Mok Ha jatuh, she cried. I hugged her; "Sabar Mok Ha, dy dah xde...kene trime...Kite yang idup, kene teruskan..." I cried. My strongest weakness is that I can't stand...looking at crying people. It hurts my heart.

Tak sempat mummy nak balik umah. Tak sempat cium aiman and alya hari tu. Budak budak tu tak tau ape pn... The hospital looked like a big playground for them.

Nurses cuci mummy. Mummy punye favorite dress da basah dgn darah. Kitorang tukar. Mummy looks peaceful and calm. Pagi mummy pergi, dy tersenyum. Maybe dy dah tau. Who knows. At last, mummy dipakaikan baju kurung bunga2 yang baru buat. Sempat jugak dy pakai... Pastu, dorang bawak mummy pergi mandi and solat jenazah dkat nearest masjid. Hospital tu x provide service mandi jenazah and everything. Baju last mummy pakai....errmm....baju putih tu la kot....

Sume org sedih. Sume in deep shock. Abang Yo x stop nanges. Sume sedih. Tapi, dats life. Ari ni kite ade, esok kite pergi. Crazy kan, kite cume singgah skjap je.... I've learned that...we are not here for long, so we must treasure every single moment we have and use it wisely...Kalau x, menyesal nanti...

The machines dalam bilik mummy. The noise. Everything. Sume senyap. Tetibe dah xde bunyi. Selama sebulan lebih aku berkampung kat Hospital KPJ Damansara, x pernah satu saat pun mesin-mesin tu senyap. Sume on for 24h monitoring. Nak tido pun, dgr bunyi mesin. Sbab, anything can happen. Memang kene bersedia dari awal.

Teringat pulak kat giliran yang abah buat. My shift untuk jage mummy started from 11pm sampai 630am. Haikal punye shift, pukul 7pm sampai 11pm.... Abah pnye shift...siang hari...from 630am sampai petang. Kadang-kadang abah tertido, same goes to me. Kene stay up, monitor mummy...lap lendir yang keluar from her mouth...Xnak dy rase x selesa. Nak tunggu nurse, lambat..sbab simple things mcm tu kitorang bole buat...

Slalu sembang dgn mummy. Mummy x boleh bercakap. Dy tulis. Sometimes, banyak sampai 7-8 page sekali tulis. Mummy seorang yang kuat. Baru lpas major operation, da start tulis macam-macam. Mood dy slalu swing. Kene sabar je...kalau kene marah... Banyak kali mummy nanges sbab org x paham ape yg dy nak... Mummy x tau sign language...sbab 'bende' tu dtg tanpa diundang. So, x sempat la nak register sign language pnye kelas.

Mase kat Hospital Pakar Kuantan, mummy boleh lagi bangun, nak gi toilet ke...nak duduk ke... Tapi, lepas dy pnye gastrostomy n tracheostomy operation, dy da x bole bangun. Nak duduk pn susah. Sakit. Sakit tengok mummy mcm tu, tapi sakit lagi diri tuan punye badan yang menanggung. Mummy x boleh makan. Minum pun sakit. Doctor kene operate lagi... Mase operation, jantung mummy stop due kali. Abah was prepared if anything goes wrong. I was there...the whole time, next to abah. Dr. Awal frust sbab operation x smooth. Sepanjang dy jadi doctor, dy x pernah skali pn fail... He almost cried.

Mase operation tu, balloon tube from the gastrostomy pnye previous operation pecah. Balloon tu pecah dlm perut mummy. Doctor kene pasang yang baru. Mummy sakit. Mummy x tahan. Mummy slalu rasa x selesa...dy amek masa panjang nak adjust and adapt dgn balloon yang baru. Susu yang nurse masukkan from the tube, slalu meleleh keluar. Mummy sakit. Mummy slalu menangis sbab sakit. Aku x bole tgk mummy nanges. Bile dy nangis, aku pn mule nak nangis.

Machines. Noises. Bising. Mummy x bole tido. Kitorang tanye doctor if bole ke mute. Sorang akak nurse cantik..orang sabah...dy mute kan. Mummy bole tido dgn aman.

Tiub kat leher mummy panjang. Slalu ganggu dy. Sometimes oxygen x masuk dgn proper kt tube tu. Mummy sesak nafas. Emergency lagi. Msuk ICU lagi. X tau da brape kali mummy masuk ICU. Kadang-kadang darah block salur pernafasan mummy. Mummy da x bernafas from her nose or mouth. Mummy completely depends on oxygen coming through the tube. Tapi dy masih bole tersenyum.

Mummy kuat. Mumy slalu bagi nasihat kat aku and Haikal. Mummy suruh tolong tengok-tengokkan aiman and alya. Mummy tulis surat. Nanti bile aiman and alya besar, they will understand. "Mummy xde niat pun nak tinggalkan sume orang. Mummy sayang sume. Mummy sayang Faez, Mad, Haikal, Aiman, Alya...Mummy sayang abah...Mummy mintak maaf kalu ade terbuat salah dengan sume orang" Aku cakap.."mummy x pernah buat salah pun....kitorang banyak buat dosa kat mummy...please forgive us" Mummy nangis.

Mummy slalu nangis...dy slalu rase otrg x sayang kat dy. Mummy slalu rase sunyi. Mummy sedih x dapat dukung alya. Mummy sedih x dapat teman aiman pegi tadika. Mummy slalu rase org x paham the pain yg dy go through. I understand. We understand.

Mummy rindu nak makan nasi. Mummy rindu nak minum air teh susu. Mummy nak minum jus buah. Tapi, Doctor Lum x bagi. Nanti nurse marah. Mummy slalu tanye kitorang; "Sedap x makanan hari ni?" Pastu dy senyum. Mummy suke tgk kitorang (Abah, aku and Haikal) makan same-same as a family. Mummy rindu nak hidangkan nasi kat abah. Mummy rindu nak masak Nasi Tomato favorite aku. Mummy rindu nak masak kt kitorang sume. Tapi, nak angkat sudu pun rase susah. Mummy dah x mampu buat sume tu.

Mummy sayang sume orang. Sume orang sayang mummy. Aku sayang mummy. Aku rindu nak jage mummy. Aku rindu angkat mummy. Aku rindu nak cium dahi mummy. Aku rindu nak lap hingus and air liur mummy. Aku rindu nak sikat rambut mummy. Aku rindu pakaikan bedak sejuk kt muka mummy. Aku rindu nak urut kaki mummy. Mummy suke kalu aku urut kaki dy. Dy slalu lenguh...sbab x bergerak g mane2... Aku rindu pakaikan tudung kt mummy. Aku rindu amek air smayang untuk mummy. Aku rindu nak jage mummy. Aku rindu dy.

Orang cakap dorang paham what we went through. Tengok dari luar mmg paham. Kite yang merase....sabar je la. What happened to mummy. The loss. Aku jadi strong. Aku jadi seorang yang menilai kehidupan from different angle. Hidup ni sekejap je. Aku puas...aku puas tengok mummy senyum hari last dy kat bumi ni. Aku puas dapat jage mummy. Aku puas.

Satu je aku x puas, aku x puas dgr bunyi bingit mesin-mesin kat hospital tu. The noise...peneman tidur aku. The noise. Buat aku terjage waktu malam. The noise, buat aku berhati-hati dgn mummy. The noise, buat aku berdebar-debar. The noise, buat aku menangis.

Mummy slalu cakap "Jangan nangis"...Tapi, bile mummy nangis, aku x dapat tahan.

Now? Aku da x menangis lagi. Sebab mummy dah x menangis. I promised mummy to take good cares of aiman and alyaa. I love them.

Finally, last night...aku mimpi...that akhirnye, aku dapat let go. AKu dapat lepaskan mummy. Goodbye mummy. Now, aku rase, da boleh kot aku delete sms terakhir from mummy dlm phone aku. Aku mungkin dapat delete nombor mummy from my phone. Kalu call pn, bukan ade org jawab...........

I love you mummy. Assalamualaikum.