BFG syndrome

This slothfulness. The restless feeling of not wanting to do anything.
So many things to do yet nothing has taken its toll to kick off.
These days, I just sit in front of the screen. I stare and nothing is moving.
Still frames by frames.
Nothing but a mere glimpse.

The flashes of the flicker do not seem to bother.
I dream of completing everything in my mind but physically, nothing is happening.
What is happening to me?

30% worth of essay is not of significance anymore!
I need to start writing but I choose to distract myself instead.
I made a cup of coffee... black and strong.
But it's just sitting there on the table, 'unscathed'.

I think I have one.
A BFG syndrome.
Back for good.
:(

Diary

Today I had a class with Steve for L2 reading.

To begin with, Steve is a creative teacher. He always puts on wonderful ideas into teaching. I think he's trying to demonstrate the many ways of teaching in the actual classroom. Last week, he brought Fiona (an actual English teacher from ICTE) to share her experiences when she taught in Vietnam couple of years ago.

Today, Steve caught my attention by playing an old song by Bread; Diary. The idea is for the students to draw inferences based on the song played. It is a part of higher-order reading skills.

I just want to write a thing or two about the song. The interpretation might be wrong. It is really a sad song which turns out to be 'face it' kind of okay at the end. This guy found his lover's diary. He read what she wrote and he was touched by the many sweet things she wrote about him in the diary. He would not know since the girl never mentioned about those to him.

BUT.... it turned out, whatever she wrote in the diary was not meant for him. T T.... It was about the love she once had. Oh man... Anyway, at the end, the guy still wanted her to be his wife because of how sweet she had been in the entries. :(

Here's the song:

Diary by Bread

I found her diary underneath a tree

And started reading about me

The words she'd written took me by surprise

You'd never read them in her eyes

They said that she had found 

the love she'd waited for

Wouldn't you know it

She wouldn't show it

When she confronted with the writing there

Simply pretended not to care

I passed it off as just in keeping with

Her total disconcerting air

And though she tried to hide 

the love that she denied

Wouldn't you know it

She wouldn't show it

And as I go through my life

I will give to her my wife

all the sweet things I can find

I found her diary underneath a tree

And started reading about me

The words began to stick and tears to flow

Her meaning now was clear to see

The love she'd waited for 

was someone else not me

Wouldn't you know it

She wouldn't show it

And as I go through my life

I will wish for her his wife

All the sweet things she can find

All the sweet things they can find

Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24IfD-0VUu4

Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bread/diary.html 

Let's have fun with English, Di ;p

Hey there,

Today, I learned something new called; 'garden path' sentence. This type of sentence is grammatically correct but people will mostly misinterpret the meaning(s) of the sentence. We, as readers will fall into this 'unintended' misleading judgment of the sentence.

Simply put, a garden path sentence leads us towards a path but it is a wrong path. Ok a simpler version of this would be: The sentence is AMBIGUOUS. lol. Itu je sebenarnya.. chett.. Basically, kita rasa itu maksud ayat tu tapi actually maksud ayat tu lain sebenarnya. 

Okay, okay.. I get it... it's confusing or should I say; almost 'impenetrable' to digest.. hehe.. Let me give you some examples:

a. The old train the young.
    The old train....
                            ....... the young.

b. The old man the boat.
    The old man....
                            ...... the boat.

Di, can you guess some ambiguous meanings from these examples?:

- I convinced her children are noisy.
- Zedi gave his son the cat bit a plaster (bandaid).
- The government plans to raise GST (Goods and Services Tax) were defeated.
- The stupid drink from the restaurant.
- Zedi said; "Put the box on the table in the kitchen!"


p/s - "...to be led down the garden path" is actually an expression. It means to be deceived or tricked. Get it now?

- Please whatsapp me immediately if you understand Di :)

Toodles :)

lời chào hỏi

That's how you say hi in Vietnam. "Lời chào hỏi"

Today I met my new supervisor; Dr. Chris Campbell. Originally, the meeting was at 1.30pm. I somehow overlooked that I had another important meeting with Dr. Noriko at 1. I don't know why I put Noriko's on Wednesday (9 Mar). Urgh.

Anyway, Chris was ok if I could meet her at 2.30 instead. My meeting with Noriko ended at 2-ish. 

So I went to her office (620a, Social Sciences Building). I must say..I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect at the beginning. A lot went through my mind..mostly because she is someone from school of edu instead of appling (what I'm currently doing). 

When I came, there was a Professor inside. They were talking about a PhD candidate who just successfully graduated. Outside, I could clearly see what Chris is currently working on. She has three on-going research with one of them being a Malaysian context. She's working on FrogVLE; a cloud-based learning design for Malaysian schools. It's under 1BestariNet project with The Malaysian Ministry of Education. 

The reason she agreed to supervise me is my topic has something to do with what she had done in the past. Second Life and Education for a broad topic. I don't wanna bore you with that.

As I was sitting, she asked me where I was from. Kinda funny though. 

Chris: So tell me, where are you from Niza? Oh wait, let me guess... Vietnam.

Chris: You're from Vietnam right.

Me: Errm..Chris, no I'm from Malaysia.

Chris: Oh, I went there last year. Slow internet you got there Niza.

Me: Yeah, tell me 'bout it.

She's so friendly. She's funny. That was the first time ever people thought I'm a Vietnamese. lol.

I hope I've made a right decision this time. :(

Toodles.

Yeke?

Betul ke when someone says he or she loves you so much... or misses you so much, they mean 'em? Boleh percaya ke? For me, those words are just words, nothing but a vague expression or at least (1/10) of how they feel/felt. Whatever.

I love you.
I miss you.

That's that.

Untung badan

Hi there,

"Mari, mari tuan dengar ini cerita
Perempuan tidak semua cemburu buta
Kalau suaminya asyik bergaya
Dia so jealous tidak percaya.."

You know ape jadi satu hari tu? I waited and waited for nothing. I used to be getting endless texts or calls from someone so dearly. But... the sad part is, it's like waiting for uncertainty. Kalau ade, ade lah. Dah xde, nk buat cmne, offline je lah.

So, I tried getting use to not having any text messages or even calls for that matter. Tak boleh lah. I keep on wanting more. One thing I can tell you; "Expectation kills!" Never mind then.

Why can't you make it as usual as it was...as it used to be? Why must you go and find me only when you need me? Only when you 'miss' me? If we're just friends, I don't see any wrong in sustaining what we do. What's wrong with that? Why do you have to keep me in the dark. It's like you're hiding me from them. Is that nice? Why?

I admit, I'm a selfish lad. My biggest selfishness is wanting you to love me back, just the way I do for you. But I can't. Unlike me, you are loved by many. Untung la badan. Berpada-padalah. Untung kan when you have so many to love you. So pardon me for wanting more because unlike you, I DON'T HAVE MANY TO LOVE!

Oh don't worry, I still love you. I always do. Sometimes, it kills to wait. Dreadful!

Miss you.

Online again

Woohoo...

Phewww... finally, it is on again. Sorry bloggy.

Here's a jac for you...

This wall between us

Day by day, we are getting further apart. It seems like it is true after all. Maybe it is God's way of telling us to stop. Maybe we are not meant to be together. 

Just so you know, pretending to be okay and skipping issues will not get us anywhere. Oh well, what do you care? You are doing okay with your life.

I know that it will hurt at the beginning but I know you are strong. These few days.. I have got myself into thinking.. Hey, you can do this. You are doing fine. You seem to be enjoying this. You seem to be okay. Good to know that.

I guess, you made it through. See? What did I tell you? You don't need me after all. You are doing just fine. Without me, that is. So, let's just carry on with our lives. You don't need me.

What do we have? Just memories. There's nothing for us in the future. Can't you see that I am doing a favor for the both of us. I am saving both of us from getting hurt in the future. 

Thank you for the memories. Thank you for everything. I have loved you too much and it is time to stop. 

I love you, goodbye.

You lost me

It has been a while since I last listened to this song. Anyway, this is a song by Christina Aguilera. Many do not fancy it but I am just fine with it. Here it goes.

"You Lost Me"

I am done, smoking gun

We've lost it all, the love is gone

She has won, now it's no fun

We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic

And this is tragic

You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected

And somehow you left me neglected

We've found our lives been changed

Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried

We lost ourselves, the love has died

And though we tried you can't deny

We're left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic

And this is tragic

You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected

And somehow you left me neglected

We've found our lives been changed

Babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet

But you chose lust when you deceived me

And you'll regret it, but it's too late

How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected

And somehow you left me neglected

We've found our lives been changed

Babe, you lost me

Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOKI_tIBWVI

Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christinaaguilera/youlostme.html

No working title

Note: This is random, nothing to do with the real characters in life.

(Sigh). It is bad to start your day with a sigh but what better way to start your day when you keep on waking up to the same unhappy thought. A short, reflective sigh. (Sigh).

What is happening to us. We seriously need to talk. Stop avoiding it and hiving off with other issues. I cannot really do this till everything is cleared. We need to clear the air! Enough with your subtle pretentious fixation! (Sigh).

Dear you, if you want this to work out, you need to contribute and think of something too. I am not doing the thinking anymore. The end resort is always the same, which is me letting go. I do not want to let go of what we have here but if that is the only way for both of us to be happy, what do you think?? Both of us deserve to be happy.


The more dragging you pull me into, the more you and I suffer. I am suffocated. 
Truthfully, I have been craving for your attention but lately, there is nothing but emptiness in your talk. Even the messages are empty if you know what I mean. I do not have the luxury of having what I used to get from you anymore. No more long calls, long chat, what more sharing jokes. It is all so awkward and formal now. The funny thing is, my texts sent to you were marked "Delivered" for hours. Hours. It would be less frustrating if they were all "Read" earlier. The fact that you chose not to read them says more than enough. So please, if you want to let go, let go. If you don't want to let go, don't let go. But please don't let me hanging like an idiot here. What do you want from me??? Have a say please...

I only want the best for both of us. If not being with you is the only way for everyone (I mean EVERYONE) to be happy, then so be it. It is hard, I know. Gosh, I don't even know if I could do it. But again, what other options do we have?

May the future have something bright for us in store. 

...to be cont'd.

3

Three things on my mind:

1. What are you doing?

2. How have you been?

3. Do you miss me?


p/s - There's only 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 u... I love U. There's only 1 way 2 say those 3 words 4 u and that's what I'll do.. I love U.

Tears are expensive

Tears are not cheap.

Tears are priceless.

Unlike smiles that you can simply put up for anyone,

tears are only for the ones you really love and care about.

Woohoo.. skip-a-lot!

Aha... I think I have forgotten the guilt-free feeling of skipping classes. I should be in class, so to speak.... but, I just don't feel like going to. Lousy headache! That's my lame excuse. I should be off the hook. Oh well. Bite me.

Lately, I have problems with my sleep. I wanted to sleep but I could not. I tried but I just could not sleep. Instead, I stayed awake and watched some movies till my brain oozed out. Tired. Sleep deprivation? Sigh. Too much to think I guess. Why can't I just let it go??? 

I hope this will stop. I need to stay focus. :(

p/s - Sometimes you just need a little reminder to remind you how special your relationship is or was for that matter. The problem is, I don't have my REMINDER.

Laughter is a universal language! ^^

What is a universal language? A universal language is a language where everyone can comprehend. Intelligible. LOL. Linguistically, it is believed that English is one of the universal languages today. Let us not talk about linguistic. Let us talk about other 'language'. A lot of people say that music is a universal language. Perhaps. What about laughter? I believe that laughter is indeed a universal language. You do not have to be a genius to laugh. It is free and CONTAGIOUS! Oh boy, watch this skype laugh chain. I cannot stop laughing now.  

Heyok heyok heyok ^^

Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-G1VTYMj78

I am blind...

One day, a blind boy was sitting on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He was trying to gain some coins for the day. He held up a sign which said: 

"I am blind, please help."  

There were only a few coins in the hat as people walked by.

Then, there was a man walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon, the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked; "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The man said; "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."

What he had written was: 

"It's a beautiful day and I can't see it."

................................................................... 

It is so beautiful to put a smile on someone's face and knowing that you are the reason behind it...

Adapted from a story told by Thomas M. Jones

Ramadhan Kareem, time to reflect.

I was fascinated with a post on Facebook. If it had not been up on my wall, I would not have noticed it. It is the first day of Ramadhan. Ramadhan Kareem to all muslims! Yeay. 

The post is about a non-muslim trying to feel what fasting is like for muslims. He tried to fast for four days and he could not do it anymore. Anyway, he did learn some great lessons from his noble effort. First, he was awaken by this sense of empathy. He felt that he has had so much luxuries in his life where other people (the poor and needy) do not have any. Second, he learned to control his desire to spend as he reflected on the first lesson. What have I learned? :(

Let me reflect on my practice as a Malay muslim living in Malaysia. I remember that Ramadhan has always been the 'awaited' month of the year. It is the time for people to see all kinds of food and dishes. It is highly tempting. The 'Bazaar Ramadhan' really tests our faith. Oh my, oh my. The aroma. The smell of food. The beautifully presented dishes. The colorful drinks. (Gulp). As you stroll around the bazaar hungrily, you tend to have plans on what to have for dinner. Most of the time, I tend to overspend. I normally buy this and that. I stop at every stall and buy things. What is going inside my small tank of brain? "Oh, I should have this...maybe after Isya'... or after Tarawikh... or this can go for later...or for Sahur". Reality check? Naah. I am already full. Throw them away. The remaining goes to waste. If they are not, they are already stale or inedible to consume. Down to the bin. Such a waste.

Here we are, on this holy month; Ramadhan. As it begins for practicing muslims, most deem this month as being a month of fasting from dawn to sunset without water or food. Dear all, it is not a hunger strike. Well, there is more to Ramadhan as it is a month for us to reflect on our life, our deeds and the hardship people go through especially the needy. It calls for self-awareness deep in our hearts. The stereotype goal of Ramadhan by most muslims is to burn as much calories as possible. LOL. Well, for once if it would help, people should aim at burning their ego, pride and sins. It is time to reflect and give more to others. Muslims keep on preaching those but sadly, very few (in my retrospect) walk the talk. Yes, that includes me. :(


Now, let us reset.. No! I should reset. This year, I aim not to overspend and only go for

what I need. I aim to give more and not complain much. I aim to not skip my tarawikh. I aim to speak of good things to people. I aim to control my lust, my eyes, my ears and my body from doing negative things. O Allah, may You give me strength to go through this month blissfully, ameen.

Dear all, may this Ramadhan be our brightest. Let us pray that this month will bring us the utmost in peace and prosperity. Ramadhan Kareem, Ramadhan Mubarak peeps!

Kenapa mak tak menangis?

Mak pandang jenazah abang yang terbaring kaku. Walaupun muka sembap, perut membusung, namun mak nampak ketenangan pada wajah abang.

Mak ambil pisau. Mak potong baju-T yang tersarung pada tubuh abang, baju terkahir yang abang pakai, Mak terpaksa potong kerana kerana baju itu tidak muat untuk melalui perut abang yang 'buncit'.

Tapi, mak akan simpan baju itu. Mak tak cuci, sesekali boleh mak cium baju itu, sekadar pengubat rindu di hati. Kemudian abah kendong tubuh abang ke pangkin yang telah disediakan. Lalu abah dan mak mandikan jenazah abang. Hanya kami berdua. Mak tak mahu orang lain. Biar tangan abah dan mak yang menjiruskan air buat kali terakhir pada tubuh kecil abang.

Mak nampak anak mata abah, berkaca-kaca, setitis dua air matanya tumpah, mengalir di pipi, tapi cepat-cepat abah sapu dengan lengan sasanya.

"Bang, jangan menangis. Kita selesaikan hingga ke titisan terakhir," begitulah kata mak pada abah.

Setelah abang dimandikan, mak bantu abah kapankan jenazah abang. Pun hanya kami berdua juga. Biar tangan kami saja yang memakai dan membalutkan kain terakhir pada tubuh abang.

"Kakak, jangan menangis. Tak baik buat abang macam tu!"

Itu pesan mak semasa kakak-kakak mahu mengucup dahi abang buat kali terakhir. Abah pula selepas mengucup dahi abang, cepat-cepat abah menjauh memalingkan muka.

Mak nampak air mata abah berjuntaian membasahi pipi. Dan buat kali terakhir itu juga, mak usap dahi abang. Mak senyum, lantas kucup dahi abang.

Mak bisikkan: "Abang tunggu mak kat syurga ya!"

Akhirnya, wajah abang 'ditutup'. Kami sembahyangkan abang buat kali terakhir. Ramai betul jemaah yang turut serta. Setelah itu, kami bawa abang ke tanah perkuburan.

Abah masuk ke dalam liang lahad untuk menyambut jenazah abang. Alhamdulillah, semua kerja dipermudahkan. Abang sudah selamat di sana.

Bertubi-tubi mak terima ucapan takziah daripada tetamu yang datang. Abang nak tahu, ada satu soalan yang mereka tanyakan pada mak.

Soalan itu asyik terngiang-ngiang di telinga mak. Tanya mereka: "Kakak uruskan jenazah anak kandung sendiri, tapi setitis air mata pun air mata akak tak jatuh ke pipi?! Kenapa kakak tidak menangis?" Itulah soalan mereka.

Mereka hairan kenapa mak tidak menangis, sebaliknya bibir mak tidak lekang dengan senyuman. Kenapa mak masih mampu tersenyum di saat memangku sekujur tubuh yang pernah berada dalam rahim mak dulu???

Petang itu, mak duduk di satu sudut di ruang tamu rumah. Mak terfikir tentang soalan mereka itu. Mak tak tahu nak jawab macam mana. Kemudian, mak nampak sebuah diari di atas para di sudut ruang tamu.

Lantas mak capai diari kecil itu. Di dalamnya tercatat peristiwa yang berlaku sepanjang empat tahun dua bulan mak membesarkan abang.

Mak selak helaian demi helaian paparan kertas dalam diari yang sedikit usang itu. Aduh! Banyak sungguh memori yang tercatat di dalamnya.

Membacanya bagaikan meruntun jiwa mak kembali mengenangkan perjalanan derita abang sejak lahir hingga menghembuskan nafas terakhir.

Mata mak terpaku pada catatan peristiwa lebih kurang tiga bulan sebelum abang pergi. Mak rasa, di sinilah terkandung jawapan yang mak cari-cari.

Jawapan untuk soalan yang mereka tanya kenapa mak tidak menangis? Mak akan bacakan sedikit rentetan diari ini supaya mereka tahu kenapa mak tidak menangis, sayang.

----------

Januari - Perut abang semakin membusung kerana hati membengkak. Kata doktor, semua organ dalaman abang sudah rosak,sudah 'reput'. Tak boleh diselamatkan lagi. Tidak mengapa. Hati mak berkata, cukuplah! Tidak akan ada lagi pembedahan untuk abang.

26 Februari - Hari ini ulang tahun ke-4 abang. Dua hari sebelum itu, mak tanya, abang nak kek apa? Abang jawab, nak kek lori sampah!

Hah Hah Hah.. Tergelak mak. Abang suka sangat melihat lori sampah yang lalu setiap pagi depan rumah. Sebab itu abang nak kek bentuk lori sampah...

Puas mak dan abah melilau sekitar Kuala Lumpur, tapi tak jumpa kek macam tu. Tak ada yang sanggup buat kek macam yang abang minta.

Mak kecewa! Selama ini, mak tunaikan apa saja permintaan abang, tapi kali ini mak gagal. Mak belikan kek coklat strawberi sebagai pengganti.

Dengan perut membusung, dada berombak kerana sukar bernafas, abang masih tersenyum dan nampak ceria melayan rakan-rakan yang datang, sama-sama menyanyikan lagu hari jadi abang. Dan ketika itu, hati mak sudah terdetik, mungkin ini hari jadi abang yang terakhir.

7 Mac - Keadaan abang semakin kritikal. Perut abang semakin besar. Abang tak mampu nak bergerak, lebih banyak terbaring dan asyik sesak nafas. Mak tak tahan lihat keadaan abang.

Mak bawa abang ke IJN, rumah 'kedua' abang sepanjang tempoh hayat abang. Kata doktor, tiada apa yang boleh dilakukan lagi.

Abang hanya menanti waktu. Mak angguk perlahan. Mak redha. Dalam hati mak juga sudah berkata, masa abang tidak lama lagi.

Para ibu di wad tersebut asyik bertanya pada mak, macam mana dengan abang? Mak jawab: "InsyaAllah, abang akan sihat!"

Mak terpaksa cakap begitu pada mereka, sebab mak tak mahu mereka semua lemah semangat jika mereka tahu abang sudah tiada harapan lagi.

Mereka pun sama, masing-masing bertarung dengan ujian apabila anak yang dikasihi ditimpa penyakit. Jadi biarlah jawapan yang mak beri itu kedengaran manis pada telinga mereka. Pahitnya, biarlah mak sendiri telan.

13 Mac - Hari Ahad. Mak minta kebenaran doktor untuk bawa abang pulang ke rumah . Doktor izinkan. Biarlah abang habiskan waktu-waktu terakhir bersama keluarga. Dan di saat-saat akhir ini, mak mahu tunaikan apa saja permintaan abang.

Di rumah, setiap hari mak akan tanya: "Abang nak apa hari ni?"

Mak masih ingat pada suatu pagi, abang menjawab: "Mak, abang nak naik kereta bomba!"

Mak termenung dengar permintaan abang. Bila abah pulang ke rumah, terus mak ajak abah keluar. Abah tanya pergi mana? Mak jawab: "Balai bomba!"

Sampai di situ, mak minta izin pegawai bomba. Mak kata, abang teringin nak merasa naik ke dalam trak bomba. Pegawai itu garu-garu kepala, kemudiannya menggeleng-gelengkan kepala.

Belum sempat pegawai bomba itu menjawab, lantas mak tarik baju abang ke paras dada. Separuh berbisik, mak beritahu pegawai itu: "Encik, ini anak bongsu saya dan hanya menanti masa untuk 'pergi'! Benarkan saya tunaikan impian terakhirnya ini!"

Bila lihat perut abang yang buncit dan dada dipenuhi kesan parut dan jahitan, pegawai itu tak tunggu lama. Terus dicapainya kunci, dibuka pintu salah satu trak bomba itu.

Dia dukung abang, letakkan ke atas tempat duduk bahagian pemandu. Abang nampak gembira sangat biarpun cuma 15 minit sahaja abang di dalam trak itu. Abang tak perasan, mak palingkan muka lima saat. Sekadar mahu mengelap titisan air mata yang mula bertakung...

Hari lain, mak tanya lagi: "Abang nak apa?"

Abang jawab: "Abang nak naik lori sampah!"

Mak dukung abang, tunggu depan rumah. Bila lori sampah lalu pagi itu menjalankan rutinnya mengutip sampah, Mak tahan lori itu.

"Encik, anak saya teringin naik lori ni. Boleh izinkan sebentar?"

Pekerja itu tertawa mendengar kata-kata mak. Kemudian, mak angkat baju abang dan beritahu perkara sama. Terus berubah mimik wajah mereka.

Segera mereka dukung abang, letakkan di tempat duduk pemandu. Ada di antara pekerja itu yang memalingkan muka, tak sangup lihat abang lama-lama. Sedih agaknya...

Begitulah seterusnya. Setiap hari, mak akan tanya pertanyaan yang sama. Abang kalau nak tengok gajah, mak bawa abang pergi zoo. Walaupun abang tak larat jalan, tak apa. Mak dan abah tidak kisah, kami silih berganti dukung abang.

Abang kata nak tengok burung, mak bawa ke taman burung. Abang kata nak main permainan robot, mak bawa ke kompleks beli-belah yang ada permainan seperti itu. Ke mana saja abang nak pergi, semuanya mak tunaikan!

Setiap hari juga mak tanya abang nak makan apa. Macam-macam abang teringin nak makan. Murtabak, nasi paprik, milo ais, cendol, air tebu, air bandung, rojak dan macam-macam lagi, semuanya mak tunaikan walaupun makanan itu abang minta pada pukul 3.00 pagi!!!

Apa saja yang teringin oleh tekak abang, semua mak cari walaupun abang sekadar menjamahnya sesudu dua. Apa saja abang pinta, kami tunaikan...

Mak tahu, mak faham, masa abang bersama mak dan abah semakin suntuk!

27 Mac - Keadaan Abang semakin kritikal! Nak bercakap pun terlalu lemah, apatah lagi untuk bergerak. Mata kuyu, hanya terbaring sambil memeluk Aina, anak patung kesayangan abang. Mak ajak abah bawa abang ke hospital.

"Kali ini kita bawa abang ke IJN, tapi kita mungkin akan keluar dengan tubuh abang yang sudah tidak bernafas!"

Itu kata-kata mak pada abah sebelum bertolak ke IJN. Mak mahu abah bersedia dan redha jika apa-apa berlaku. Sampai di IJN, abang terus ditempatkan di wad khas untuk pesakit kritikal.

5 April - Mak telefon sekolah asrama kakak yang sulung di Seremban. Mak minta pelepasan daripada cikgu untuk benarkan kakak pulang.

"Adik tenat. Saya mahu kakak-kakaknya berada di sampingnya pada saat-saat terakhir!"

Itu kata-kata mak pada cikgu dan akak diizinkan pulang pada hari ini. Kemudian, Dr. Adura. ; doktor yang sinonim merawat abang datang melawat.

Mak memang rajin bercerita dengan Dr. Adura. Kebetulan mak ceritakan yang mak terkilan tak dapat tunaikan permintaan abang mahukan kek berbentuk lori sampah.

7 April - Pagi ini Dr. Adura datang melawat abang. Kemudian Dr. Adura beritahu ada surprise untuk abang tengah hari ini.

Rupa-rupanya, tengah hari itu datang tetamu yang juga rakan-rakan alam maya Dr. Adura membawa kek lori yang abang mahukan sebelum ini.

Ada dua kek mereka bawa. Mak tak sangka, Dr Adura tulis di dalam blognya kisah abang dan ramai yang mahu menyediakan kek yang abang pinta...

Sekali lagi, para tetamu bersama jururawat dan doktor menyanyikan lagu selamat ulang tahun untuk abang. Tapi abang kurang ceria, wajah abang tampak letih dan nafas abang turun naik...

8 April - Tengah hari ini, masih ada lagi tetamu datang membawa kek berbentuk lori warna pink untuk abang. Tapi abang sekadar lemah. Abang sekadar terbaring merenung kek itu...

Malam itu, semasa jururawat mengambil tekanan darah abang, bacaannya meningkat naik.  Sangat memberangsangkan! Tapi hati mak dapat rasakan abang hanya sekadar mahu meredakan keresahan hati mak. Malam itu, hanya mak berdua dengan abang di dalam bilik.

Mak pandang sayu wajah abang yang semakin lesu dan pucat. Mak duduk di sebelah abang, mak peluk dan usap rambut abang. Mak menangis teresak-esak bagai anak kecil.

Dalam tangis itu, mak katakan pada abang: "Mak tahu abang nak senangkan hati mak. Abang tak perlu buat macam tu. Mak tahu abang nak pergi".

"Jangan tahan-tahan abang. Pergilah. Mak sudah sedia. Mak redha segalanya. Mak puas dapat sempurnakan apa saja hajat yang abang minta. Mak juga bangga kerana Allah hadirkan abang dalam hidup mak walaupun seketika!"

Abang hanya diam, memandang mak dengan pandangan lesu. Dan ketika itu mak menangis sepuas-puasnya. Dan mak berjanji tidak akan menangis lagi selepas itu! Ya, mak tidak akan menangis lagi biarpun abang sudah tiada lagi di dunia fana ini...

9 April :-

Abang dalam kisah ini adalah adik Iqbal Fahreen Hamdan, anak bongsu daripada lima beradik. Abang masuk hospital seawal usia dua minggu akibat menghidapi lima jenis kompilasi jantung termasuklah kekurangan injap, jantung berlubang dan saluran sempit. Abang telah menjalani pelbagai siri pembedahan seawal usia dua bulan dan ada antara pembedahan seawal usia dua bulan dan ada di antara pembedahannya gagal. Malah abang pernah disahkan 'mati' apabila jantungnya berhenti berdenyut.

Walaupun pada awalnya doktor menjangkakan hayat abang tidak lama selepas lahir ke dunia, namun ternyata anak kecil ini mampu bertahan sehingga usia empat tahun untuk meninggalkan kenangan terindah dalam hidup Jamilah (ibu) dan Hamdan (bapa). 

Pagi itu mak pesan pada abah agar bawa semua anak-anak datang ke hospital. Masa abang dah dekat sangat. Mak lihat abang dah teramat kritikal. Wajah abang sudah tampak biru, lebam! Dada berombak, tercungap-cungap menarik nafas.

Abang dah tak mampu bercakap lagi sejak malam tadi. Makan minum pun tak mahu. Pukul 8.00 pagi, abah dan kakak sampai.

Mak suruh Kak Long bacakan Yaasin di sebelah abang. Mak suruh abah baca juga, tapi bacaan abah tersekat-sekat kerana cuba menahan tangisnya.

Pukul 3.00 petang, abang semakin lesu. Lantas mak ajak abang keluar berjalan-jalan.

"Abang, nak tengok matahari tak? Jom kita turun kantin minum sambil tengok matahari!"

Abang hanya mengangguk lemah. Mak dukung abang dan kita satu keluarga turun ke kantin. Abang mahu minum air coklat. Tapi abang hanya minum seteguk. Kemudian, abang lentukkan kepala pada bahu mak.

"Abang, tu tengok kat luar tu? nampak tak sinar matahari tu? Cantikkan?"

Mak tunjuk pada abang sinar matahari yang kelihatan di celah-celah rintik hujan yang turun waktu itu.

Abang angkat kepala melihat ke arah matahari itu. Kemudian, abang menguap.

"Abang ngantuk!" Itu kata abang dan kemudian abang terlentuk semula pada bahu mak.

Tiba-tiba jantung mak berdegup kencang.

"Bang, jom naik. Abang nak 'tidur'! Mak terus ajak abah dan kakak naik semula ke wad walaupun mereka belum sempat jamah makanan di atas meja."

Mak tahu, masa abang sudah hampir tiba!

Sampai di wad, mak baringkan abang atas katil. Dan abang terus merintih dalam nada yang lemah: "Makkk..sakit perut..!"

Dan abang terus memanggil: "Makkkkk!". Suara abang perlahan dan amat sayu bunyinya. Lantas mak letak tapak tangan mak atas dahi abang.

"Abang, hari ini, waktu ini, saat ini, mak redhakan abang pergi. Mak halalkan segala makan minum abang. Mak halalkan air susu mak untuk abang. Pergilah abang. Mak izinkan abang pergi!"

Mak ucapkan kata-kata itu sambil merenung jauh ke dalam mata abang yang semakin kuyu. Saat abang sedang nazak itu, mak panggil kakak-kakak agar mengucup abang selagi abang masih bernafas. Mereka kucup pipi abang bertalu-talu dan mula meraung dan menangis.

"Kakak! Kalau kamu semua nak menangis, keluar dari bilik ini! Mak tak mahu abang dengar kamu menangis! Jangan seksa abang dengan tangisan kamu!"

Mak marah mereka buat begitu pada abang. Mak tak mahu abang lihat kami menangisi pemergian abang. Mak tahu, abang akan jadi lebih sedih dan berat hati untuk pergi bila melihat kami menangis di saat akhir sakaratul maut menjemput abang.

Mak tak mahu tambahkan lagi kesedihan abang untuk meninggalkan kami. Abah pula hanya berdiri di penjuru bilik, meraup wajah menahan suara tangisannya.

Jururawat yang ada dalam bilik juga menangis, mak suruh jururawat keluar dan tutup tirai bilik itu. Mak tak mahu orang luar lihat. Mak tak mahu ada orang menangis di saat abang akan pergi. Setitis dua mengalir juga air mata mak. Tapi mak masih mampu tersenyum.

"Pergilah abang. Mak izinkan. Mak izinkan.. Pergilah..!" Dan perlahan-lahan mata abang yang layu tertutup rapat, genggaman tangan abang pada jari mak semakin lemah dan akhirnya terlepas...

Pukul 3.50 petang, akhirnya abang meninggalkan dunia fana ini. Innalillah... Mak kucup dahi abang. Mak bisikkan di telinga abang; 

"Tenanglah abang di sana. Suatu hari nanti, mak juga pasti akan turuti jejak abang. Abang... tunggu mak di sana ya! Di syurga!" 

Abang, sekarang mak dah dapat jawapannya. Kenapa mak tak menangis?

Pertama, abang telah ditakdirkan menjadi ahli syurga yang akan membantu mak di sana nanti.

Kedua, apa saja keinginan abang semasa hayat abang telah mak tunaikan. Tiada lagi rasa terkilan di hati mak.

Ketiga, segala hutang sebagai seorang ibu telah mak langsaikan semasa hayat abang. Mak telah sunatkan dan buat akikah untuk abang.

Keempat, mak telah menjalankan tanggungjawab sepenuhnya, sentiasa berada di sisi abang dan menggembirakan abang setiap saat dan waktu.

Kelima, mak rasa istimewa dipilih Allah untuk mendapat anak seperti abang. Mak jadi 'kaya' dengan kehadiran abang. Kaya kesabaran, kaya tawadhuk, kaya keredhaan , kaya keimanan, kaya kawan, kaya ilmu, dan kaya ilmu pengetahuan.

Mak telah beri segala-galanya melebihi 100% untuk abang. Mak telah beri yang terbaik dan mak telah berusaha hingga ke garisan penamat. Sebab itu mak tak perlu menangis lagi...

Abang.. biarpun kini hidup mak dan abah terasa sunyi dan kosong tanpa abang... mak akan sentiasa tersenyum mengenangkan saat-saat terindah kehadiran abang dalam hidup kami biarpun cuma sebentar.

Abang, tenanglah abang di sana, ameen...

Based on a true story of Adik Iqbal Fahreen Hamdan, 2011.

Al-Fatihah.