It HURTS! It Really HURTS!...

Today, when I woke up despite of this miserable cold and fever, I realized that all I need to do is to look for love. I have been hurt so many times. I know this is not a fair statement, somehow I believe there is something wrong with me. Now, love has gone away from me and my heart is a bird which has lost direction during its flight. Sometimes I wonder, is there really a true love for me? Perhaps, the answer is an absolute NO. Well, that just it. I have to move on, haven’t I? My family, my friends, and people around me look at me as a blissful boy. But, they are wrong! I am not happy! NOT CONTENT!

I see many people who are ‘deeply’ in love. Be it my friends, my homies, my parents, my grandparents, and even those who walk in front of me, they are all saying ‘I LOVE YOU’ to their lovers. Now, as I grow up (I’m 20), I would personally say that there's no such thing as puppy love. Love is love, no matter what your age and we all suffer from its loss. It’s true, isn’t it? Oh, it hurts looking at my own reflection at the mirror, loveless. I am a NOBODY. There was one time when a friend asked me… “I don’t know how to love? This is my first time…” As I recall, I simply told him that we can only learn to love BY loving. That was then, when I thought I was happy.

We are not perfect. We make mistakes. I have made gazillions mistakes so far and I am about to make more. One makes mistakes! That is life! But one thing for sure, it is never a mistake to have loved! Trust me! Love is a powerful tone for me. I believe love is unique and it has soul. Love is romance. That's the thing about love and romance. No one can predict where it will take us. Love will fill our hearts, break our hearts and then heal the hearts that have been broken. That is love. Powerful isn’t it?

Tajul always reminds me that there are reasons for what happens around us. I believe in that notion, you should too! When I fail in something, abah will comfort me by making me believe when one door closes, another opens. But we often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. Am I the only one here who think this way? I am that person, depressing myself over my failure. If you don’t believe me, you can ask my best friend, Tajul…he’s been with me since….I don’t know….

I loved this girl. But I realized too late how much I really loved her. It didn't make sense to me until she'd already given up on me. I realized that she’s really gone. Again, I flew without particular direction. I am lost! That’s not it. There's this boy who seems to be really into me, but the thing is, I was lost. He misunderstood me. He did not see how much I loved him. He was always there as he said he would be, but when I turned around the other day, I could not find him. Then I saw him with the other guy. I laughed in tears and flew again. I know it’s wrong and illicit, but…. I asked questions about love, even beyond my capability. Why, why and why? Every time I get into a relationship, I ruin it. It’s ME, not them!

Do you remember when we were not close and didn't know each other? A simple smile was hard to give.. This is me; really! I am this kind of person. However, when I opened a door to someone, a tough slam hits the wall! A hard slam! The door is already broken…it’s broken.

I believe everyone have their first crush on love. So am I. That was way back then, when I was so little. Nevertheless, she remains as a crush. Nothing was going on between us. I did not even have chance to say "Hey, saye suke kat awak la.." to her. I just watched her from afar, adoring her for things she did. One day, I did the bravest thing in my life by talking to her. The only word that came out from my tender, juicy lips was “Hye!”. Now, you might think a “hye” is a lame word that someone dreams of because of his crush. That’s me. I was very brave wasn’t I? Then I realized, she did not have any idea on what was going on that time. I considered myself as a loser. When I lost my chance with my crush, I cried. Seriously I did. But then I realized that she was not the only one who could be loved by someone else. There are others.

This is my story, he is the tree. Hell hath no fury because I am scorned and he was warned on things about to happen. But he just managed to take advantage of the love I was offering. He covered me from getting wet in the rain sometimes. There were times when he digs a funeral for me. There were times when he buys me cotton candy. There were times when he pees in my tea. How sad. That’s life. I loved and I got hurt. I trusted and I got hurt. I gave and I got hurt. I took and I got hurt. So basically I am just hurt! HURT! He even finds that cute and still wants to be 'inside' me….How irony that I am listening to a song by Plain White T’s entitle Hate (I Really Don't Like You) while I put my words in this podium. Hmmmm…

I indulge with my heartbreak. I checked in many times at the Heartbreak Hotel. When love leaves me, I feel shattered and abandoned, as though the whole world has crashed down around me. But I must say it helps to know that others have walked the path I’m on and lived to reflect and share their feelings with others. No matter how despondent I may feel, I got to realize I am not alone. I am offering myself to be loved by YOU. Call me cheap, but I care for nothing else just to feel the love again in me. I just pray that love won’t hate me, not even for a scratch!

I try falling out of love, but falling out of love means falling into someone else, and you were the only one I tripped for. Is it that hard to understand? We made a terrible mistake. That’s life. Again, it is never a mistake to have loved. I loved you. Just heal my pain by pushing me from the tower OK! Tears may be dried up, but the heart? Never. NEVER!

I let him go, so he could be happy with somebody else. Now I'm just drowning in my own tears. Seeing them together breaks my heart. It makes me think; is this how it feels to love somebody? Why? Why? How I wish to be back. How I wish to get back what I never had. How I wish to have all his luck. How I wish to have the things I owned once. How I wish I can have love back! I know I should think from my innocent heart and mind. Love is powerful, remember?

We've all been crushed by love. No one can avoid the pain of a broken heart, unless, of course, they have no feelings. Do you agree with me? As a sentient being who has been hurt, I must allow myself the space to feel my pain and let it out. My tears will initiate the process of healing and whether you believe it right now or not, one day, I will fall in love again. You will! I will! We will! I am ME, always me, the lOnely and hOrny gOat!

Love, love, love! Where are you???