Monday, December 17, 2012

It's a growing distance between us...

Ola Mr. Bloggy,

I have been extremely lazy busy lately to update this rusty blog as I was caught up with loads of tasks and assignments. They seem endless. Tettt.. Excuses, excuses and seriously those are just some crappy excuses. I was just lazy. That's all.

Anyway, I have just read a post by my gorgeous cousin. She posted something about her daddy's birthday. Well, here's the gist... She wanted to wish her dad's special day and started narrating her text message. To her surprise, her father called. They talked and yup she did wish her dad's well-being and happiness. The thing that pertained my emotion was when she expressed how she's not being a good child for keeping a distance from her dad. I can totally relate to that.

Oh before that. This is not really a 'daddy-daughter issue'. Perhaps I should talk about my Mom as I am a son. It is just that I do not have much memories of my mom and I. She left us long ago (May Allah bless her, always...ameen). Sorry Ma, I love you always. So, this is my issue.

Ok, continue. 
It's a growing distance between us.

17 December 2012: The day that I crazily missed Abah.  

I really miss my dad. Yeah, so thanks cuzzie I am singing my blues now. Such a blue Monday. My dad and I....(sigh).. we are not that 'best buds' kind of stuff. We are more like... 'A professional worker and his boss'. There is always unfit and mishaps done by the worker. The boss has the final say. The boss is always right. ALWAYS. It is full of bumpy rides along the way. Crazy, but that is that.

I still remember some moments when I did horrible things in life. I tried to justify and to my exasperation, I was shut off... completely..leaving me no spot to explain myself. Like I said, he likes to play King so as humble as I could be, I just listened and waited for my turns to be crushed like any other sinful servants.

It is not that we have never tried to work things out for both of us. Some did bind us for quite some times, some were inefficacious. I know for a fact that we both love each other. We do, it is just...complicated and awkward...well, mostly. To begin with, I still have no idea when or what triggered this growing distance to happen.

I wish to turn back the hands of time and figure the things I have done in the past. I somehow have a feeling that we started to grow apart when I was sent off to the boarding school. He got busy and barely had time for the family back then. For goodness sake, I could count with my fingers how many times I saw him at home in a year. (Sigh).

That was then. Now, as I become an adult and learn the hardship to build a life of my own, I understand where it went wrong with our relationship. It is the TIME we spend. The quality time of talking, talking, talking, doing things together, playing, strolling and even jogging. I am trying my best to make time for him and I could see that he is also making his time for the family now. I could see his softer side now. I must say that I am happy for this kind of transformation. What takes us so long to figure this out Abah? Kan?

Oh God, I really miss him. I really love him. Is this some kind of home sickness? What is happening to me? An emotion stir-fry? I think I should probably go home this weekend and treasure the time with him. I just need to see his smile and I will be okay but will he be okay? What should I do to make him smile? That is THE question.

So Abah, I love you. I am thankful to Allah for giving me such a great father to lead us all. I remember watching this movie; "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close". There is a saying and I would like to dedicate this to you Abah. Here it goes:

"He promised us that everything would be okay. I was a child, but I knew that everything would not be okay. That did not make my father a liar. It made him my father."

Thank you for everything Abah!