Selamat Hari Raya to ALL!

Yeah..

Holiday...finally..I'm going to take my leave afterwards..after what had happened since past few days and weeks...

I just wanna say..I'm sorry for every single mistake to you and please...PLEASE forgive me!

and...thank you to everyone for whatever reasons, for being there for me, for making me happy, for loving me, for everything! Thank you...

I guess, I'm going to see you again after raya as I will utilize my raya to the utmost level! Yippie..with babies at home..yay! Alyaa and Aiman...hehe..n my cats..n my family (of course)..n PANTAI..absolutely!!!

Assignments??? OH well...I couln't care less I guess..I really need a break tho...I'm TIRED!!

All in all...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA!!!
MAAF ZAHIR BATIN!!!
BE HAPPY AND SMILE!!!
COME BACK IN ONE PEACE EVERYONE!!!
DRIVE SAFELY!!!
DON'T DRINK & DRIVE!!!
MINTAK MAAF DGN ATUK, NENEK, ABAH, MAK, ABANG, KAKAK, ADIK, KAWAN2, SUME SKALI LA!!!

NJOY UR RAYA EVERYONE!!!
YIPPIE..;P

This piano is just a tool!

This piano is just a tool!

At nights, I stay up late and cry,
At times, I feel like I could die!
In this life, I don't feel loved,
I always marooned away or shoved!
I can play this piano well,
but I can no longer stand the swell!
Should I be happy?
How can it be if I'm treated this crappy?
Sometimes, I see things as scary,
Why can't I just be happy and merry?
I am best in crying,
never once, I'm lying to cry!
For all my faults, I am to blame,
I am the one to take the shame!
I wish you can see me,
and not this piece besides me!
This piano is just a tool,
As me, I am the fool!

-aNs-

I don't think I can go on anymore!

What is wrong with us?
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with this world?

Fights? Arguments? Winning? Losing?
Giving up? Stubborn? Sucked up? Messed up?
Perfect? Real? Hatred? Love?
Violence? Robbing? Stealing? Threating?

Journal #5

This piano is just a tool!

At nights, I stay up late and cry,
At times, I feel like I could die!
In this life, I don't feel loved,
I always marooned away or shoved!
I can play this piano well,
but I can no longer stand the swell!
Should I be happy?
How can it be if I'm treated this crappy?
Sometimes, I see things as scary,
Why can't I just be happy and merry?
I am best in crying,
never once, I'm lying to cry!
For all my faults, I am to blame,
I am the one to take the shame!
I wish you can see me,
and not this piece besides me!
This piano is just a tool,
As me, I am the fool!

-nizasyazre-

*Imagine being a child prodigy who is not understood by people you long for friendship and a normal life. Write a poem describing your life.

Q2-Island Postcard

Please come home!

I still have vivid pictures of the day
The day we were so happy
to hold you in our arms
to kiss on your juicy cheek

Since the day you were here
I just can't stop smiling
to see you trying to walk
to see you trying to talk

What hurts the most for me
every single time I think of you
to see you cry in your bed
to see you fall from your bike

Where are you now my darling?
where have you been these years?
are you doing great?
are you growing up well?

Please come home! Please come home!
I want to see you, I want to see you
just before I weep
just before I sleep

*Received from a mother.

Q1-Island Postcard

Life is funny

Life
such a lunatic fantasy
blinds one's sacrifice
to seek for eternity

Love
such word is funny

once one succumbs too rough
it drives us crazy

I
such a misery
everytime i close my eyes
I wish you will see me

You
such a peaceful breeze
longing for the view
since you were at ease

*To a best friend who's already gone

The Hardest Breakup..."I'm not worth as much as you"

10.01pm - Got out from shower, read a text message from xx...asked me to meet him.

10.14pm - Headed outside, went straight to 7-e,
- Bought myself a pack of Dentyne and a bottle of Tropicana Twister.

10.30pm - xx arrived with his brand new, cool yellow shirt. "Always the real thing" Then, we walked and walked and walked...

10.39pm - Tried to cross the road, but the traffic..wheew.. I crossed the road, ALONE...I crossed the road without even holding xx's hand!!! I left him!

10.41pm - We sat on the divider. Silent. My lame question.."Dah dinner?". Silent. He said, "You do know that my hands are empty...".Then I said, "Yeah...so?" How stupid was I???

11.02pm - Still silent. 'Cricket'

11.04pm - xx asked "Is there anything you want to say?"
- How stupid I was by replying, "No...nothing" when all I really wanted to say was, "I'm sorry"

11.06pm - I did say sorry out of nowhere...NOT EVEN LOOKING AT HIS FACE! Then he said, "Sorry for what? You did nothing wrong!!!"...Then I said..."Ok.." That's all!????
- He told me "I love you!" and I kept being silent... Damn... I could not even reply that!!!

11.34pm - xx told me he was badly hurt. "Badly crashed!" with what I've done the other day. And I completely did nothing. The best I could say was.."I know"..That's it??? I could see how hurt he was and I did..technically nothing. And I could not even look into his eyes and tell him straight what I wanted to say.
- The way he's hurt...is like, a heart is being slashed and crashed with a hammer and chainsaw. xx offered me his hand but...I DID NOTHING!

11.52pm - xx proved to me that he would do anything.. he even crossed the road without looking at the cars and hoping somebody will hit him! Yet, I slowly walked and grabbed his hand and said, "Please..don't do that..." That's all??? He said.."You need a break!.." I could see his point. He'd do anything for me.. But me???

12.04pm - He left.....

12.06pm - I was hoping that xx would look at me for the last time..but..after all I've done?? I took a longer way home and called someone and asked some advice...I oughted to cry but..NOTHING... I don't know myself anymore. xx called. Again, the best thing I've said was "I can't talk right now" and hung up.
...................
01.05am - I got home. My buddies were sleeping already. I called him...and I said "Sorry, I really am...I know you've hurt.." "When you said I needed a break. Yes, its true..and I will leave. I have to leave. I don't wanna hurt you anymore. Please forgive me for everything and just be happy."

Then he texted me "How could you, how could you, how could you...like I thot, I thot u'll try to win me back..but...how could you" Then I replied "I have to, I'm bad, really bad. I don't even know how to make you happy. I can't even ease u when u cry. I can't even hold ur hands..at least, tis is the good thing I ever do for u...u'll never get hurt after dis...find a better person n dun find a boy like me n b happy"

I called him...with sweat in my eyes...I could feel his pain. He's taken 10 pills already and 5 more to go... I don't want this..but..it's the best. I'm guilty, yet I could not even say sorry!!!. I'm beyond idiotic! I don't think I'm good enough for xx. I crashed xx already!

I want xx back. I really do. But, I am toooooo ego to admit that. Perhaps, its the best for him. I just hope, xx will be happy after this! I'm sorry for everything and I know, sorry is not good enough. I'll eat my own bitterness and swallow my misery after this. I don't know myself anymore. Please hate me!!!

Just one thing for xx..."I'm not worth as much as you!!!"

Seriously, what is wrong with me???? Fuck me!

Please tell me IT's NOT OVER!!!!

Today...is just another day..I don't hate you my dear..How irony that I'm cherishing myself with "Plain White T's - Hate (I Really Don't Like You)"... Is it over??? You said that I'm not your enemy... I want to hold on...firmly holding your hands... but I keep bringing you down.. I don't know myself anymore, I think I'm losing myself.. Please tell me it's not over.. Please!!!! I hope you will see me as I am when you read this poem...i have no title for this poem yet...maybe you can name it..Please forgive me...

will you see me again?
as i pretend not seeing you
will you call me again?
or text me those three words

i don't know if it's love
or just a dream i used to have
but one thing i know
i really do love you as i said "I do!"

will i ever love again?
a question on my mind
will i ever love another
like you in this life

if it was meant to be, it'll happen
this is what i am told
but i fear i won't find another you
and will die alone

why did i do that?
i myself have no answer to that
i did not mean to hurt you
i understand if you're leaving

will i ever love again?
i really miss you now
will i ever love again?
thinking about it just brings me down

i wake up at night
with sweat in my eyes
my heart starts pounding
and i begin to cry

you might think it's a lie
yes i'm lying to you!
call me a liar, sue me!
but my heart never lies

well it's better to have loved
and i still have my memories
they'll always make me happy
and set my heart at ease

i hope you see me
i hope you read me
i'm sorry for everything that happened
i'm thankful i found you

Q2-Black & White Postcard

Timeless

Good old days, good old days
Do you still recall?
You were the star in the haze
I was the moon in the hall.

Twist and dance, twist and dance
Do you still remember?
He was a star, no offense
But you were the other.

Time crawls, time runs
Do you still have the picture?
Oh, you were so much fun
Still I hope you are, my dear!

*From: an imaginary old 'friend'.

Q1-Black & White Postcard

We Were There

Remember the day?
It was remarkable.
Oh, how I wish I can turn back the hands of time..

Remember the dress?
I bought it the day before.
Oh, I must tell you, "You were stunning!"

I was there,
You were there,
We were there!

Where are you Stella?
Why haven't you reply?
I called you "Stunning Stella", remember?

I, who have nothing
I, who have no one
You are not in the picture..

I'm old and weak
I'm deaf and mute
But, I'll wait for you Stella!

*Recipient: Imaginary ex-girlfriend...

My Ex-pillow was in My Room

I leaned and rolled
I kissed and hugged
I love you, I love you,
Since the day I met you.

The way you touched me
The way you caressed me
Even thought you've changed,
Hey, "you're still the one I love!"

Off, off you from my bed!
I don't want you here anymore!
I hate you, I hate you,
you cheated on me!

As days passed through,
I miss you, I miss you.
Though you had to leave,
I still love you, forever and ever.
You were there, "Remember?"

I'm still in 'our' room,
This special room
The place we first met,
The day you left...

-aNs-

Majlis Berbuka Puase? or was it..Firhan melatah's night???

I just don't know how to explain this feeling..its kinda twisted..but it's true! Even though, my day kicked off with a rocky start, but I'm happy in the end. Now, I can finally take a deep breath and say..I AM HAPPY!

I was deeply sad that I could not attend the 'Majlis Berbuka Puasa' with Yayasan T'ganu. Oh, well, today is not the day. Hey, nobody informs me that I'm supposed to wear Baju Melayu???! I bet you guys had fun, no matter how. I'm sorry though, for what I've done tis past few days to you...still you think its my fault...what a rocky day for us...oh well...I'm losing the image either way...off I go, from your face..

But...but...I went to another 'Majlis Berbuka Puase' with PMM (Persatuan Mawaddah Malaysia). I must say..I had good time there. Oh, the menu was extremely sumptuous...considering that I have never had 'Gulai Keladi' before. Hafriz agreed with me anyhow. I pampered my tummy a lil bit too much I guess. *Burp....

I gained new experience as well. I'm telling you, that was the first time I performed 'Tarawikh', with Quran in my hand. Seriously, it's for checking during ustaz's recitation, I assume. It's weird at first..after few rakaats, I managed to get a firmer hold onto the Quran. Flipping the pages while performing the prayers was a lil bit hard too..but it was great. Those people were nice! Again, 'Gulai Keladi' is great! I think I'm falling in love with it! Yummy...

Nevertheless....the best laugh for today, just before I got home...would be on...Firhan yang melatah! Muahahahahahaha...that was a great laugh! He AUTOMATICALLY + DRASTICALLY melatah as soon as a dog barked...along our way home....and there's one pak cik laughed the hell out, watching the incident! The dog was in the gate! But, Firhan's action was like..."$%^&#&&...tuuut...chicken's vagina...*^&&^^%"....yet he said, "Aku buat-buat je lah tu!"...whatever dude...you're busted...ahahahaha...Oh well, that was a great laugh!

I don't know why am I smiling...but...it's for today, I think...Can't wait to see what tomorrow has to offer!

;p

..kad raye, lipas and coconut jelly...

Kung kung kung...I'm a lil bit tired today..dunno y..though it's holiday, still i'm feelin a bit off...haha..

Had too much fun perhaps, with ekwan's around..i just can't stop laughin....btw, have u guys got his Kad Raya? Yang feeling selebriti tu?? I got it yesterday..after breaking fast with aimi, tjul n him...

Assignment?Oh, you mean..ASSIGNMENTSSS?...got tonnes of them as a matter of fact! Anyhow, procrastination is thick in my blood..ia menguasai diriku yang serba lemah ini..ohoho...damn, I'm learning to accept the fact that I'm LAZY...

Earlier this morning, kami bersahur kat "Shaz"...it was great, I must say. Tajul, jage mate anda tuh! But...how unlucky for me that.. I faced a series of an unfortunate event on my way to "Shaz"...Terlompat-lompat aku terkenangkan lipas yang menumpang glamor tatkala aku melalui 7-eleven...There was a mama roach there..ape aku nak buat?? Nak pijak kang, sian kat anak2 dy..dy tgh cari nafkah untuk mereka! chesss..Lipas, lipas, mengapakah kamu ade ketika mane aku tunduk..harusla aku ternampak kelibatmu yang sexy dan curve mu yang montok itu!!! Darn it!!! Malu siot...
Kejam tajul menggelakkan aksi 'ganas' aku ketika itu...ches...Amboi, kalu insiden yang dye lari sampai kat gate umah aimi pabila terlihat lipas aritu, xde la plak aku nk gelak2 camtu..tapi aku gelak jugak..kah kah kah..ops...

Then, we got home..n it was dark...maka, tido la kami sehingga pagi menjelang. Aimi came in the afternoon...hoho...nak melalak kat umah terpakse la control sikit..almaklumla, ratu 'suare sedap' ade kan...kene la cover sikit...

Then, we headed to Bazaar Ramadhan kat SS13...it's big! So many people there....I bought myself sebungkus nasi ayam (yg kurang enak) and sebungkus guava juice (it was ok I guess) and aimi insisted to buy us..coconut jelly..(it's great but too sweet for me)..Thanx aimi, luvya... Naz drive laju sgt tadi...ekwan menjerit ala-ala pondan ampang yg dah upgrade level kepondanannye... Ahahaha...

It was fun tadi.... Perut pun dah kenyang!!! Burp...

p/s-nak tgk muvi la mlm ni...c?!..i'm such a golden procrastinator! Darn!
I can't wait to see what tomorrow has to offer!
-Salam-

A Day Without a Fight...

A day without a fight
is what I'm craving for
Just like them holding hands together along the pavement,
Happy with cherry lines

A day without a fight
is what I'm longing for
To view life as a blissful swing that makes me happy
and dance in the rain

A day without a fight
as in "NOW"
Live now, make now always the most precious time,
Now will never come again.
-aNs-

Hmmm...what day is today children? "MONDAY!"...Another Monday, another door has opened, another has locked. Fight is everywhere. It's over-polluted by our impatience and selfishness. Love cannot breathe in the air anymore. It's damn polluted with our hatred for each other. Don't you want to be happy?

Friends are everywhere but good friends are hiding behind us. The best kind of friend is the kind whom you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you have ever had. Is this true? I wish...

I am happy. I smile all day long. People miss others but they are afraid to show it. It's polluted with hypocrite pretty words preached by us. There are moments in life when we miss someone so much that we just want to pick them from our dreams and hug them for real! Have you dreamed for that someone? I did..but I'm too timid to say "Yes"

We lose temper on others. Are we too lazy to at least spend a minute and try wearing their shoes? I think before we get mad at others, we should always put ourselves in their shoes. If it hurts us, it probably hurts the person, too. Just a minute *Mr Bloggy... Before I get mad at someone, I take a deep breath and think for a minute before I ruin the friendship. I don't want to explode like this, I'm still young.

Lately, I have been crying a lot. Though my tears dried already but the heart will never stop crying I guess. I can fake my smile and pretend that I'm happy but my innocent heart can never lies. I believe that happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried; for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love??? What is love? I agree with my friend when he said, "Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear" I believe....

My friend, you don't have to say sorry if you don't mean it. It's not your fault. It's just me being myself. You should never apologize for showing feeling dear. Please remember that when you do want to say "Sorry", you say it for truth...Please...I'm sorry.

A day without a fight, a day without a fight...please come and visit soon!

I'm Not Your ENEMY!

I woke up a little bit early today. I took some pills last night in the hope that I can be released of this burden. Grrrr...swear to God, this fever drives me nuts! I'm sorry Mr Bloggy that I have not write to you for days. I'm sure you'll understand.

Listened to Jesse McCartney's-Not Your Enemy last night and it somehow captured my attention. I wish you can see the true colors of me instead of saying "I'm bad". I ought to say, "I'm not your enemy, not ever!" Please stop the 'coldness' between us. It's way damn cold! We are growing up, aren't we??? So, stop this foolish game, immediately!

Friendship is like 'peeing' on yourself! That's what I think now. Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings! *Sape setuju angkat tangan!!! I know its disgusting and maybe you want to change to other interpretation. Perhaps you should. Nevertheless, friendship is sacred to me! So stop your ego and let it go!

I agree with you when you say that I'm losing the pearl in my life. I understand why you've said it. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. So, I'm pretty sure, I'll find my way back home, safely I hope. I'll wait some more I guess.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils - Louis Hector Berlioz. Moral of the story is, time tells everything. I just hope you are happy with whatever you've decided! Thank you for everything. Just so you know, I'm not your enemy!!!

I'm not your enemy!

The Fasting Month

It's been half way through the Ramadhan already. Fasting month is the month where I restrict myself from doing the forbidden things I do and spread some kindness to others. Duh..obviously. Nevertheless, I wish to quote from the person who runs an orphanage in Section 2. "Don't just show kindness only in fasting month! The kids are not here for only one month, they are here for 365 days a year!" "Give more and take less!" I was touched by those.

Ramadhan 2008. I reflect to my behavior this month. Oh goody, I've not change at all. I am stiil the bad person as I always be and I hurt many people around me. The more I say, the more I tend to hurt people. The truth is..I did not mean to hurt them at all...

Ramadhan 2008. It is not as merrier as before. I think that there's no point of celebrating this month like I used to. Though it sounds bad, I have my reason for that. I already lose my excitement on celebrating this coming Eid. Misery, misery, misery. That's all I can say. I just hope everything will be just fine as it used to. I really don't want to cry this Raya.

I think I really save a lot on my spending this time. I've learned to say "That's enough for the day!" I really do. Thus, my pocket is still full and my tummy is full too! Guess what, there's a "hikmah" for everything and Ramadhan teaches me something!

I guess, that's all for now as I'll update whatever comes into my life this fasting month. Till we meet each other again, goodbye. Assalamualaikum.

Items Used???

1.Leather jacket
2.Business card
3.Dusty radio
4.Silver locket with inscription
5.Bottle of herbal medicine
6.Rugby ball
7.Fortune-telling cards
8.A jar o sharpened pencils
9.Brand new laptop

"Today is the day!"...That was his last words before going to his deep sleep. The story goes like this...

Abuya feels like going to heaven today! It is raining outside. His pink leather jacket is wet. There are some holes all over the jacket. It was a gift from his cousin. He's been using it for five years now. At home, he hangs the jacket next to his old hat. The inscription on his silver locket says, "Love is a crying game..." He removes it and puts it on the coffee table. Few drops coming down from his face due to the rain outside.

"This pencil is not sharp enough!" With a degree of tense, he picks another one from a jar filled with sharpened pencils on his writing desk. "Where on earth is the paper???" Out of nowhere, he just wrote something, more to some kind of notes behind one of his business cards. Seemingly, he giggles a little. A drop of purity falls from his innocent face...

He looked at a rugby ball next to the dustbin with a million thoughts going in his mind. The same ball reminds him of his glorious days where people loved him, deeply. He was surrounded by friends back then. Now, the picture is fading...to grey.

His laptop is trying to say something. All that comes from it is.."BUZZ!" The laptop seems to be working well. He just bought it last Tuesday. Someone is sending him an IM. He just can't seem to care less on it. There's a radio on the desk. It looks old and a bit dusty. It seems to make a sound but it is not possible as it is mute already. The radio was bought in 1969. He bought it last year in Jalan T.A.R..

The last raindrop sings a despair song in silence. As he giggles, he aims for a pen. The IM on the laptop's screen says, "Goodbye..." The echo of his giggles can be heard from afar. He was a joyful guy back then. Now, he is just another victim of a heartless world. "Love is a crying game.."

My Favourite Fictional Character

When I was a little boy, I have always had passion towards "Superman". I though he was great! Then I shifted my passion on "Ultraman" Believe it or not, Ultramans are hilariously great! What I meant by that is...they look silly but powerful. Of course, I did not see the 'silly' part when I was little.

That was then. I wonder why it always lead me to fictional superhero. Fictional character does not necessarily have to be the heroes. Therefore, what I'm about to expose here is my favourite fictional character all the time. That would be Nancy in most of James Patterson's novels.

Nancy is a detective. She is determined in doing her job. There's nothing more important than solving the mystery (murders). However, it is not like the typical crime story. It is beyond complicated and...hard to explain. The character herself is not stereotyped by the author. She is sick. She has a severe blood disease yet she still determines to finish what she has started.

She often skips the appointment to see the doctor and she does not really have fun with her life. Along the way of her new-promoted job, she makes friends whom I can tell are the greatest friend we can ever imagine. All of them works in different field yet they manage to sit together and find solution for the mystery.

Nancy portrays the characteristic of a true, great and loyal friend. She never crosses her friends and she treats others fairly equal. When it comes to love, she's always have an issue. It is...about trust. Therefore, she encounters failures in many in her love life. Being a super-policewoman makes her entitled for the attention and not to mention the pressure. She becomes ill and its getting worse by days. Work becomes her love in the end and tragically, her work sucks her lifespan.

One thing about Nancy is, she always have positive thought in her mind as if the world will treat her fair in life. I somehow think that this what makes her happy all the time. She looks for opportunity and chance in her every action. Nancy is my idol.

Books? BookS? Book?

Hmmm...I'm 20 years old. I will be 21 this coming December. So far, I have been reading many kinds of books. I have to accept the fact that I'm not a fan of thick books. However, there are some books that have left a good impact on me.

When I was a little boy, my late mum used to read me books from Enid Blyton. She got those from US when she was studying. The best story in Blyton's books would be the one that have pixies in it. Then comes the Famous Five series. I just love that! Somehow, I prefer the Secret Seven series more. Perhaps, as I grow up, they fancied me. I must say, the idea of 'young' detectives grabbed my interest that time. I still remember my favourite character from that series. It is 'Peter'. He is the leader and the bravest among them. From this series, later on, the Famous Five comes.

As I following my path of growing old, I 'accidentally' read this book. It's a Malay novel and the title is "Tombiruo". To me, it is a great story and it is not a stereotypical kind of story. The way the author wrote about the "Semangat Hutan" just drove me nuts. It's a heart-pumping story with lots of values in it! Tombiruo is actually a nice guy despite his beastly face. I just love the story! The conflicts and dramas that happened to him made me realize that we are living in a men world! Tombiruo represents the innocent hope in most of our hearts to find peace.

Then I started to develop my interest on "mystery" theme novel. A friend of mine suggested me to read books from James Patterson. WOW! Seriously, the author is extremely talented! I first read on "2nd Chance". Then I read about "4th of July". They are actually part of the series. Patterson writes about Women's Murder Club series. I just love the ideas of how those women met and became close friends as to solve the mysteries. I've read most of his books in the series. Last semester, I've read the "3rd Degree" and "5th Horseman". Its incomplete though. Nevertheless, this semester, I've come across his great fiction which is "You've Been Warned". It's not in the series but all I can tel you is: "Fantastico!" My heart beats faster than a bullet train as I 'free-read' in Kinokunya (KLCC). Damn, he's really good!

A book that influences me lately is "Sunstroke" by Jesse Kellerman. This is his first novel yet it's thrilling! The crimes, the dramas and conflicts are incredibly beyond my imagination. No wonder. He has the 'x-factor' to write. His parents are well-established authors. I'm not a big fan of them actually as I prefer Patterson's works than them (Jonathan and Faye Kellerman). The suspense somehow made me having nightmares. Hahaha..The murdered in Mexico intoduced the disturbing picture of this novel. The theme of 'love and hatred' drives people to do things beyond our capability. It's disturbing to read the novel at times. The feelings of hatred makes me want to turn the pages over and over till it ends. I bought it for just RM59 at MPH.

There are some other books that influence me to read. I think those books are important as it focuses on my interest which is on THRILLER and MYSTERY. It also stimulates my interest to watch that kind of fiction. People may see me as a disturbed person as I develop this passion on reading such materials but I just could not care less as long as I'm happy for that. I enjoy it!

I was so DAMN cold!

Hmm..there's nothing more to say. I was hard. Not to myself but to them. For the love of God, why did I become that mean? I should have said NO instead of following them for drink. Plus, I was like a complete stranger there. Not knowing a thing on what they were gossiping about. I wish I was not there in the first place!

I was ILL. Perhaps 'ill' is not the right word. I'm looking for the right word....oh yeah, S.I.C.K. That's right! This fever is driving me nuts. However, it's not as disturbing as his words. I was not trying hard enough! I know that. I was asleep all the way through Syed Bistro, around Plaza Alam Sentral. It was nearly 2am. People were staring.

I am so sorry dear uncle and the rest. I did not mean to spoil the air. It's just...I was out of tune. The fever. The pills were nuts. I was drowsy. I could not think straight. He was driving me crazy. Hmmm...I should have said NO before butting in last night. To YOU, I really am sorry..I know that we are living in THE REAL world. But I prefer the text world better. It does not mean that I'm insincere. It's just the way I shout. I'm not like U. That's not part of the deal. NOBODY INFORMED ME EARLIER!

I did learn something last night. "If you think you're 'hot' and good looking enough, I am not ugly myself! I can get as many girls or guys I want with a snap on my fingers!" Thanks uncle for that attitude! It's brilliant! We should never feel down and low ourselves! We should never vow for guys or girls! We RULE!

Lastly, when I write this crap, I do live in a text world! This is what reality means to me when we set the boundary. It's true everything in text does not tell you the truth. BUT, does action speaks THE TRUTH? We are living in a 'plastic' ball of oxygen! That's all. Sorry again everyone!

He's caught in an accident n he says "IT's OK!!"!!??

.....what a terrible day to start a fight. I am so going to hit him next time I see him!!! It's such a small matter but I overreacted! This is why I hate when he keeps it discreet....Oh..this is how it feels when we share things. Oh I see. I should have been a comforter rather than making it harder for him...Why am I doing this? Why am I overreacting? Sape yang accident ni???

This is awful. I've never felt this bad before! It scratches my heart even more, knowing that I am the last person to know! He was caught in an accident while crossing the road yet he says, "It's ok, I'm alright!" He bleeds yet he says "it's ok!" This is not what I signed up for!!!! How I wish I did not know and everything is OK as it was. I wish I can turn back the hands of time to the happiness I used to have.

Today, it's about him. I wanted badly to ease him...what more can I say? Sometimes, I think I'm not good enough. Is he rejecting me in a subtle way? Is it just me who could not see that coming? Oh my goodness, what is wrong with me? This cough is killing me already. Nevertheless, the pain in the heart kills me harder!

It is not OK!!! No it's not! It's better if I leave than watching him suffers. I'd rather go and wake up alone in the morning than becoming the pain on his neck!! He said it's a small matter that I made it huge. I said "I'll make it HUMONGOUS!" Overall, I still heart the things he did. Please be careful and be safe! I don't mind if you refuse to see me as a kind-hearted partner, but please see me as a person too.

How irony when it is about me after all when it is about him. How irony. Me Vs Him. Spotted, the stain I left on his pants. Still keep it? I am such a mental-disturbed boy. Wheeew...

How many of you feel tired? Angkat tangan!

Hmm...fasting month has just begun...I am tired, I think. But, I'm not tired due to fasting all day! I am tired to listen to all beautiful lies, preached by those who claim themselves as noblemen. I am too tired to live this way. Why am I pretending not to feel any disgust when I feel revulsion beneath my skin? Why should I care what they say? Can I just be this way, the way I am?

What about you? Have you feel tired lately? Don't you feel tired being stabbed mostly by people who tell you "Hey, you are nice! I love you!"? I think I am too tired to play this game. It's called, "I love you, but I don't like you!" Why can't you at least have small pride to say it straight? What's wrong?

Maybe it's just me. Don't you want to hear the sound of all lies you urged? I am here to sing about the things that matter. The things that matter to me. Maybe it's just me, why could not you believe that everything I said and did was not just deceiving??? Someday, I promise I'll be gone. You may have everything you've ever wanted. Still, I let you step on my cute, pretty face. Why me? Why me?

If you leave me tonight, I'll wake up alone tomorrow. The best thing about last night is..we were not fighting. Not at all. Please stop the lies! Please don't stab me anymore! Pleas don't make me cry! Why??? Because I am too tired for those! Way too tired to listen to your fake lips talking about how we are so perfect together....I am tired.

Victims

I really love this song. I was touched by the sincerity showed by Boy George whenever he sings this song! This song is deep! Truthfully speaking, this is the second song that has made me cry...seriously...after Vanishing by Mariah Carey...Dear Mr. Bloggy, I am happy for you and I want to be there for you...

The victims we know so well
They shine in your eyes
When they kiss and tell
Strange places we never see
But you're always there
Like a ghost in my dream
And I keep on telling you
Please don't do the things you do
When you do those things
Pull my puppet strings
I have the strangest void for you

We love and we never tell
What places our hearts in the wishing well
Love leads us into the stream
And it's sink or swim
Like it's always been
And I keep on loving you
It's the only thing to do
When the angel sings
There are greater things
Can I give them all to you

Pull the strings of emotion
Take a ride into unknown pleasure
Feel like a child
On a dark night
Wishing there was some kind of heaven
I could be warm with you smiling
Hold out your hand for a while
The victims
We know them so well
So well

The victims we know so well
They shine in your eyes
When they kiss and tell
Strange places we never see
But you're always there
Like a ghost in my dream
And I keep on telling you
Please don't do the things you do
When you do those things
Pull my puppet strings
I have the strangest void for you

Show my heart some devotion
Push aside those that whisper never
Feel like a child
On a dark night
Wishing we could spend it together
I could be warm with you smiling
Hold out your hand for a while
The victims
We know them so well
So well