Thursday, March 26, 2015

Nihonggo Fiasco

So it happened. I was in class (SLT). Normally, in between gaps, everyone will discuss this and that. In my class, it is very multicultural. We practically have the whole world in the classroom. We have people from China, the US, the UK, Vietnam, Thailand, Russia, Korea, Japan, New Zealand, Malaysia (woot woot), Indonesia, Saudi Arabia, Oman and not to mention the Aussies. Sithanya for example. She is from Thailand and she is a very kind lady. Then we have Kirsty who recently got married to a Bangladeshi. Mikyoung is from Korea and she has decided to change her name to Rora so that it will be easier for the people to call her. Hang is from Vietnam (a very smart and disciplined lady). Cut Monalisa, Risa and Alamin are from Indonesia. Aaron, Jimmy, Dorris, Reny, Rachel, Echo and Summer are from China. Maria is from Russia. Sophie is from the UK. Ling is a New Zealander. Jamaan is from Saudi Arabia. Khalsa is from Oman. David, another Jimmy and Tom are from the States. Chiko, Karina, Yuriko and Hiro are from Japan.

Okay. Let's get back to the story. During the gap, I was so fascinated with some of my classmates who can speak Japanese (Roxy, David and the Japanese of course). They are all proficient and they really sound nice as they talk to each other. I envy them. It makes me want to learn Nihonggo and go to Japan! It is a nice to the ears, eyh?!

I wanted to join the discussion. I do not know how to speak Japanese but I sort of picked up few expressions, thanks to the Japanese series and movies I watched long time ago. I confidently looked at Hiro (a guy, very cute though) and said:

"Tottemo daisuki..." and "Kawaii-desu"

What???? I know, I know... I picked that up from watching Doraemon (Every Saturday, 7.30pm, NTV7). Roxy looked at me in a very surprised motion and said:

"You just said 'I love you' and 'You're cute' to him (Hiro)". "It sounds so gay..."

OMG! Seriously, I had no idea the meaning of what I said. I thought I was being friendly and nice to butt in their conversation. Nevertheless, Hiro was just nodding, smiling and not saying anything in return. Hmm. I wonder... Ahaa..

It was embarrassing. Seriously. I should not have said that. In their culture, it is very impolite to say such thing to random people. Oh my. 

Perhaps, I should learn more USEFUL expressions so I can talk to them APPROPRIATELY. Dear Hiro, sorry for saying those, I was clueless dude!


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Kau Sangat Berarti

Kau Sangat Berarti 
Siti Nurhaliza

ku tak sanggup lagi
menyimpan perasaan ini
rasa ini sungguh menyiksaku
kau curi hatiku rasa cemas tak menentu
aku telah jatuh cinta kepadamu

aku ingin memiliki mu
aku terlanjur mencintaimu
kau yang membuat aku bahagia
bagi ku kau sangat bererti
kau curi hatiku rasa cemas tak menentu
aku telah jatuh cinta kepadamu

aku ingin memiliki mu
aku terlanjur mencintaimu
kau yang membuat aku bahagia
bagi ku kau sangat bererti
ku bahagia kau bererti
ku bahagia ah

aku ingin memiliki mu
aku terlanjur mencintaimu
kau yang membuat aku bahagia
bagi ku kau sangat bererti

lama sudah ku mencari
insan yang tetap ku cintai
hanya kau yang membuatku bahagia
bagiku kau sangat bererti

kau sangat bererti 

Saturday, March 21, 2015

I am NOT strong.

Okay, I have no idea why the picture up there is there. 

Anyway, today I wish to share this... just in case one day you might read how I feel about you (which of course, everything I put here is about you). Bet you knew that already!

"Within you, I lose myself. Without you, I find myself wanting to be lost again..."

Yeah. I know. Sorry dear, I am still trying to figure out how to deal with my stupid, green envy feeling of you. Urgh. This is so annoying.

Toodles for now.

p/s - I still love you. I don't know how to unlove you. I don't know how to forget you. I don't think I can. It hurts so much D.. it does... Sakit. Perit. Pedih.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Can I have at least one full day to spend with you in the future? Without guilt and distraction.

 Yeah, this is to die for... will I be getting another chance to have this with you again? Hmm..
 Look at that curry. It is thick. That is how thick my love for you.
 Yummy. That is what you are.
 Joyful time together. Will there be another round? Hmm... I don't know...
 That is huuuuge! I bet my love for you is bigger.
 Tangled. Whenever I feel lost and tangled, I think of you and all is well...
 I wish. I just wish. But a wish remains as a wish if nothing is taken into action.
On top of all, I miss you. A lot. Do you miss me?

Thursday, March 19, 2015

If your heart's not in it...

"If Your Heart's Not in it"

I'm missing you
Girl even though you're right here by my side
Cause lately it seems
The distance between us is growing too wide

I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
The last thing that I wanna hear

But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

You say that you love me
But baby sometimes
You're just saying the words
If you've got somethin' to tell me
Don't keep it inside
Let it be heard

I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
Girl I'll make it easy for you

But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

How I wish I could take us back in time
But it's gone too far now we can't rewind (And there's nothing that I can do
To stop me losin' you)
I can't make you change your mind (If your heart's not in it)

But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it 


So suddenly,
So strange,
Life wakes you up
and things change.

So suddenly,
It's clear to me,
things change.

Our future...
We live it through somehow.

Don't think I cannot feel there's something wrong
You've been the best part of my life so long
I look in your eyes
I hear your voice
There's a distant light.
There's a distant echo.
Can't you feel the distance?

Hmm.. those are some adaptation of the random lyrics I could recall to describe my feeling at the moment. Today (19 March), the day I felt the distance between us. The gap grows bigger and bigger every day. I have no idea why I have this weird feeling. But it hurts. Maybe due to this loneliness. I feel so lonely.

I am such a monophobic. I have this fear of being alone. The best part is, my fear is developed when I was forced to be apart from my special buddy. Now, I feel like I am living through the days and nights with just half of my heart. I lost my other half. It is with my buddy.

You see buddy, you have always been my support system. This distance is killing me. To make it worse, you have someone else... someone special. I feel insignificant. I feel stupid. Every day, I wait for your texts. Every day I struggle with this question: "Should I or should I not text you?!" I don't want to distract you with your happy, new life. I feel like I am being replaced. Am I being replaced already?! How could you...

Today is Thursday. You will be busy starting from tomorrow till next Wednesday. How am I suppose to carry on with my life if I can't even bare to cope with these few days????? I surrender. I am not strong enough to go through this test. It is the same as not living. My heart is empty. Oh God, I feel so small and stupid. This is killing me! I can't be looking at the phone with empty texts... I can't... I know, I don't have a life. Such a loser I am. Guess what, YOU are my life!

I love you. So freaking much! I love you so much that I start panicking of not having anyone to text to every day. I have no one left... just you. I probably don't have a long life to live for. If it is not for you, I have no purpose of going on.

You called me just now but I went silent all the way. I did not have the guts to tell you what's been bothering my mind. I feel like we are so far away. You have your obligation towards your new life. I understand that. But I am too selfish. I still find it hard to accept that you have got someone else to replace me. Oh God please grant me some strength to carry on.

Please don't leave me like this. I wish you a happy life. I will try to learn on living by myself though I don't think it will work. You have such a huge impact on my life. Again, my entire life is about you.

Dear you, please be happy, have a blissful life buddy!

Monday, March 16, 2015

Fake it till you feel it...


You should not start your day with a sigh! Ok then, Hmmm...

I hope my series of gloomy days will soon come to an end. I really need to focus on other things now; assignments and social life per say.

If ever I pointed out these questions to everyone on Earth, I wonder how everybody would respond to them. (I wonder).

What do you want in life? What do you want from life?

My answer is simple yet the solutions are dizzily complicated. I WANT TO BE HAPPY! Don't I deserve to be happy like the rest of you?

Honestly, few months ago... or should I say... it started about a year ago... I had many reasons to be happy. My main reason was YOU. Yup, I have to admit, I was happy all the way when we were together. Oh boy, that was then.

I still remember the first time of my first times.
- The first time you taught me how to ride your Modenas bike. (The best memory of you)
- The first time you let me drive your ayah's Land Rover
- The first time you said "I love you" to me.
- The first time you sang (Wechat) and dedicated a song to me; Cinta Sesungguhnya.
- The first time your mak prepared me her specially-made sambal belacan for me.
- The first time you brought me to try Kari Kepala Ikan in Bangsar.
- The first time you took me for dinner at an arabic restaurant; Sawarbina.
- The first time you took me to Masjid India.
- The first time you took me to Genting.
- The first time you took me to a Thai Massage parlor.
- The first time you took me for ice skating.

The list goes on and on. There are so many first times for me. I will treasure everything, all memories of those. Come to think of it, what are some of my first times to you? I have no idea. Oh, the first time I held your arms, the first time we kissed, the first time we hugged, the first time I kissed your cheeks, the first time I kissed your forehead and just a few others. Oh boy.

Am I still living in the past? Yeah, I am delusional. Oh God, no. Let me tell you something. Those seem-like endless list helps me to go on with my life so far and makes me happy. Remembering those good old days puts a smile on my face every day. How I wish to go back in time and revisit those moments... I miss you.. A LOT!

So, what am I going to do now? I am going to suppress this stupid feeling of love and keep it somewhere in my heart. Please note that nothing will change my love for you. I cannot undo my love for you anymore. I have decided to fake my feelings of happiness from now on.

Fake my feelings? How? I am going to pretend that I am happy. You see, feelings follow actions. If I am feeling down, I will act like I am happy and eventually (crossing my fingers :)) I will find happiness in what I am doing. If I am angry at someone, I will try to put myself in his shoes and eventually (crossing my fingers again), my anger towards him will soften.

I think this will work. I am going to fake it till I can actually feel it. That is the only option available for the time being. Traveling here and there seems a bit farfetched considering my limited time to socialize and do assignments. Haha.

My feelings for you will never change though. I do not think I can live without you. So, I am keeping you close in my heart and hopefully... somewhere in my heart... when the memories clash I can smile and think of you. I love you. We vowed to love each other till the end of time, didn't we?! Remember all the promises?! You have to keep them!

See?! I told you. I am a Capricorn and I stay loyal. Ok, time's up. I have to go now. Before I leave, I just wanna say... I love you and it hurts so much to miss you from where am I sitting now. :(  

I love you. I miss you. I love you every day.

Favorite tracks:
- Cinta Sesungguhnya, How Long Will I Love You, Be Still, I Wanna Grow Old With You, Sahabat Sejati

p/s - Dear Love, if ever you do read this entry, please revisit this link and read it again. I believe it is among my first posts for you. I miss you a lot and I miss you so much buddy!

What Kind of Fool am I :(

What Kind of Fool am I 
Sammy Davis, Jr.

What kind of fool am I
Who never fell in love
It seems that I'm the only one
that I have been thinking of

What kind of man is this?
An empty shell-
A lonely cell in which
an empty heart must dwell

What kind of lips are these
That lied with every kiss
That whispered empty words of love
that left me alone like this

Why can't I fall in love
Like any other man
And maybe then I'll know what kind of fool I am.

What kind of clown am I?
What do I know of life?
Why can't I cast away the mask of play
and live my life?

Why can't I fall in love
Till I don't give a damn
And maybe then I'll know what kind of fool I am

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Lonely post.

I don't wanna be brokenhearted again. Please don't break my heart.

If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Sometimes I think I have been loving you too much that I forgot how to live by myself.

I thought I was strong..but apparently not.

If it is true that you love me, show me...

Yesterday was gone. Today? What about tomorrow? And the next day? And the day after that? Next month? Next year? Will it be the same? Maybe I am just dreaming.Will you still love me the way I love you? My feelings for you never change. Still the same.

I can't. I am so weak. Not a single day has gone by without me thinking of you. You are everywhere. In my mind. In my heart. In my wallet. In my bedroom. In my phone. In my laptop. On my desk. Even sleeping is hard for me.

It hurts! It really hurts! I'm depressed now.

I've been crying a lot lately. Honestly, it was hard for me to cry before this. But, when it comes to you, I cry easily. WTF?! So much for being a strong guy. All memories. They just come by and drain the tears away. Sucks!

Can somebody please kill me now?! I hate this miserable feeling. I should be happy but why do I choose misery? Why can't I be happy? Why do I feel lonely?

I love you. I cannot erase you from my heart. I cannot forget you. I don't want to leave. I don't want to forget you. I love you so freaking much! Why can't you see that? I am sick. Sick of love and misery.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I wanna be with you. I want you. I need you. I really need you. Please don't leave me... please.

Sorry for loving you too much.

Songs I am currently listening to:
- Somebody's me
- You must love me
- Karena aku sanggup

Saturday, March 14, 2015

You Must Love Me

"You Must Love Me"

Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you

Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?


Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away


You must love me
You must love me

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed


You must love me 


Friday, March 13, 2015

Somebody's Me

"Somebody's Me"

You, do you remember me
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?

'Cause I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I'm going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody else

Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That somebody's me [2x]

How, how did we go wrong?
It was so good and now it's gone
And I pray at night that our paths soon will cross
And what we had isn't lost
'Cause you're always right here in my thoughts

Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely
Somebody hopes that someday you will see
That somebody's me
Oh, yeah

You'll always be in my life
Even if I'm not in your life
'Cause you're in my memory
You, when you remember me
And before you set me free
Oh, listen please

Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely
Somebody hopes that someday you will see
That somebody's me
Somebody's me
Somebody's me
Somebody's me 


Dialog dengan hati, cerita Si Tikus dan Bulan.

It takes thousands of miles away to know that you are actually everything for me. You are my world. This entry is dedicated to my heart. Sabarlah wahai hati~

Jauh sungguh perjalananku. Makin jauh makin berliku. Sakit kaki tersepak batu. Sakit tapi tak terasa. Hati lagi perit. Perit sebab tak dapat balik. Balik? Balik sebab nak tengok bulan kat sana. Aku nak balik!

Bulan kan ada kat mana-mana?! Tengoklah atas langit malam hari! 

Bulan ni bulan istimewa. Bulan kesayangan. Bulan peneman setiap masa. Bulan tu selalu ikut ke mana-mana. Bulan yang cahaya dia tak pernah padam. Siang pun dia ada.

Siang? Bulan ada?! Penipu! 

Ada! Aku berani kata ADA! Buktinya dia. My moon. My one and only moon. Yang tak pernah jemu. Tak pernah bosan dek kerenah aku! Bulan yang sangat penyabar. Bulan tu selalu je ade. Kadang-kadang aku rasa macam hidup ni terlalu terang sebab bulan selalu ada kat tepi. Waktu tu lah..

Aku dan bulan selalu ke mana-mana sama-sama. Makan pun nak sama. Mandi pun sama-sama. Tidur pun nak sama. Semua benda kongsi. Bantal busuk, selimut busuk pun nak sama. Masih segar dalam benak ni. Hampir tiap-tiap minggu, bulan dan aku pergi bercuti atau buat kerja sama-sama. Percutian terakhir kami. Ke Genting. Sangat-sangat istimewa. Dia kata rahsia padahal aku dah dapat hidu, confirm Genting ni (sebab bulan pernah ajak pergi tapi aku cakap NO time tu). Sebab aku ni si tikus. Penakut sikit nak pergi tempat-tempat tinggi ni.

Di suatu pulau, bulan dan aku bercuti. Bukan ada apa pun kat situ. Tapi, just being with the moon, everything was complete. Perfecto! Waktu tu sangat-sangat happy. Walau tak banyak benda pun boleh buat, kami banyakkan! Us, you and I. Itu je yang penting. I love you moon!

Berita gembira!!! Good news!!! 13/3/15. Tarikh keramat. Bulan bertemu jodoh. Untung si bulan dapat jumpa bintang yang lagi tinggi dan bersinar. Cantik woooah! Tahniah bulan! Nak balik! Nak baliiik! Peritnya hati ni macam disiat-siat sebab tak dapat balik nak tengok bulan. Aku nak peluk bulan. Nak peluk kuat-kuat! Bulan, I love you!

T T --------------------- T T

Okay, sambung balik (tadi pegi dapur cari air. Dahaga) 
Dan aku? Beribu-ribu kilometer jauhnya dari sana. Sini tak ada bulan. Bulan sini malap tak sama macam kat sana. Tapi...

Tapi??? Serabut lah kau ni!

Aku tetap nak bulan kat sana. Bulan sana sempurna. Bukan aku memilih tapi memang aku dah lama tersangkut kat bulan tu. Bulan itu sahabat aku. Difikirkan balik, mustahil bulan yang sempurna nak berkawan dengan si tikus hodoh macam aku ni. Oh well, aku masih percaya bulan sayangkan aku, sama seperti dulu-dulu. Betul kan bulan? (Nada mengharap)

Tapi tak tau lah. Aku si tikus buruk je. Apalah nasib si tikus ni ye lepas ni. Boleh ke dia jalan dalam gelap without the presence of the MOON? Boleh ke? Aku rasa tak boleh!

Bulan dah ada bintang. Lengkap dah la kiranya hidup si bulan. Ade ke ruang untuk si tikus menumpang kasih? Entah lah. Harap-harap ada lah..walau sikit. Oh bulan.

Si tikus ni pulak sakit. Sakit rindukan bulan dia. Woi?! Bangunlah Tikus! Sedarlah! Bulan dah ada bintang. Kau nak apa lagi???! Belajarlah hidup sendiri! Jalanlah kau walau dalam gelap. Nah, padan muka tersepak batu!

Sakitnya hati. Pedihnya hati ni. Mulut seringkali berkata: "It's okay. It's okay. Everything will be alright." Tapi hati tak boleh nak tipu. Hati berkata; "It's NOT okay! It's NOT okay!" Oh hati. Kenapalah kau tegar sangat. 

Wahai hati. Bersabarlah ye. Hidup ni memang tak boleh nak selfish sangat. Kita tak selalu dapat apa yang kita nak. Kena lah sanggup walau tak mau. Kena lah telan walau pahit sekalipun. Itulah kehidupan.

Ye. Itu semua betul. Aku terima wahai hati. Pahit sekalipun kena lah telan.

The truth is, aku happy wahai bulan. Aku sangat happy. Come on, it is your BIG day. Aku cuma sedih sebab... tak dapat balik! I should be there. Aku sepatutnya berdiri sebelah kau! Sorry terpaksa mungkir janji tak dapat jadi your best man. Urrrgh. This is sooo hard. Waktu kat sini dah 10.06PM which means kat sana dah 8.06PM... Dup dap dup dap... sekejap saja lagi bulan akan sah menerima bintang dalam hidup dia. Oh bulan, I love you.

Pesanan buat bulan:
Please jangan lupa si tikus hodoh ni. 
Please jangan kurang sayang si tikus ni.
Please jangan buang si tikus ni.

Tikus ni tak kuat. Dah nama pun tikus (English expression: As timid as a mouse). Haha. Betul bulan, tikus ni patah hati. Tikus ni sedih. Asyik hidup dalam kesedihan je si tikus ni. Tikus ni takut. Tikus ni rasa kosong. Gelap nye malam ni. Pekat hitam dia. Tikus ni sakit. Tikus ni sayang sangat-sangat bulan dia. Tiba-tiba je lagu "Talking to the Moon by Bruno Mars" terpasang. Aduh. Peritnya. 

Bulan, aku sayang kau. 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

The Gift of a Special Friend


Our special friendship...

It is hard to describe...
I only know that it is SPECIAL.
Beyond what I would have expected.
It is special.

Ours is something that money cannot buy.
It is wonderful.

Truthfully, I believe it is such a blessing.
A blessing that is rare and true.

That is the gift of a special friend...
Like the friend I have in you.

I love you.

p/s - It is my everyday struggle to wake up missing and loving you. The thoughts of you seem endless. I think of you every second. It hurts so much knowing that you are so far beyond my grasp. It tears me apart not knowing whether you are doing okay or not. It breaks my heart to see you with someone else instead of me.

It is a struggle. Indeed. A struggle I must go through. A sacrifice I must do so you can live a happy life. A sacrifice I must do alone so I will not be selfish. A lonely journey I must walk through so you can smile days and nights.

THE promises I made. I will treasure it. Loving you till my dying day. Missing you till the end. HOPES. Please remember me. Please remember all our memories together. Please keep me in your heart though I am far.

I want you to know this. You are far yet so close... in my heart. I will always love you. I will always think of you. I will always remember you.

I want you to be happy. I love you. I miss you.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Gloomy me

I should be happy by now. I am in the right place to be happy but why am I not happy? Why do I have this gloomy feeling, deep inside my heart?

My most special buddy is getting married soon. I should be happy. I am not. Why? I feel sad. I feel lost. I feel like I was left in the darkest corner in a dark room.... alone.

Why do I feel like I am losing half of my heart?! My heart aches. It hurts... badly. I feel defeated. I am at the bottom of the wheel now. I have nothing. I have no one to talk to about this weird feeling.

I wish you a merrily wedding buddy. I love you. Please be happy. Please do not forget me. Not for a second. Please remember all the memories we shared. I love you.

(Sigh) I wish I could be there. I would want to fly and be there for you. I really want to be there and be your best man. But... T T