Saturday, August 9, 2014

Still can't...

Battling. Struggling. Trying my best to hide this stupid feeling. Sucks. It still hurts. It does.

But I'm trying my best to cope.. it's okay. I'll try harder.

Note to self: it's's okay

Ya Allah, if only he knows how difficult this is for me... let me please have the strength to go through this, ameen...


Thursday, August 7, 2014

I remember...

I remember...
20 July 2014. I went silent. All the way. Cold. Something went off. The soothing air we breathed in Kelantan could not soothe my heart. I was furious. I was angry at myself. I was angry because I could not control my over zealous feeling for you. I was angry because I felt so close with you yet so far from you. I felt jealous for the attention you gave to someone else (you know who). I was stupid. I was foolish. I was silent. You were hurt. You cried. You burst into tears. You could not endure my cold-swing responses. After many months spent with you, that was my first time crying hard in front of you. Thank you for making me cry and sorry for the tears I caused you that night. I remember.

6 Aug 2014. The day I lost my way. I took a wrong turn. I thought the road I took was going to be a smooth ride but I was wrong. The love I felt (which I still feel) was over the top that even a flick of small thing made me jealous and out of control. I was jealous of the attention you gave that person (you know who). I was jealous because I know I will be your past and that person will definitely be your future. One day, I will just be a pick of your random memory. Maybe one day, I'll be swooshed away from your memory or maybe I will not even be in your memory trove. I'm sorry that I love you this way. I remember.

7 Aug 2014. I went silent... again. You patiently waited for me... again. Sorry (you know who you are) for hurting you.. again. I did not mean to hurt you. In fact, I love you so extreme that I could go mental if I had to lose you one day. Seriously.This time, I felt that I could no longer endure the pain. I had to isolate myself and tell you. Sorry for not joining your 'burger' treat for dinner. I admitted I was selfish. I wanted you all for myself. Just me, no one else. What a selfish bitch I was (still am!)! I love you so extreme that I want you just for myself. I rejected the idea of sharing that moment! I just want you! Again, out of my nonchalant gesture, I cried. The SECOND time I cried because of you! I know you cried before confronting me. I know. I'm sorry. I remember!

All the promises I made... I remember! Growing old together, to be there for each other (for as long as you need me), to be a friend, to be your bestesttesttest buddy forever, to be there next to each other through thick and thin and to love one another, to change for the better me and never look at my dark path I once took and to be yours forever. I remember. I remember!

What should I do now?! How to fix this? How to mend this swollen heart? How? I don't have the slightest idea on how to make you happy while I suffer from deep misery! I love you. I do! Can I have you forever in my life?

I will remember you, always!

Munafik Hati

"It's Ok!"

I say "It's Ok" when it is not. I smile when it actually hurts. I laugh when it is not even funny. I pretend to live when I am actually dying. See?! All my pretentious lies?! I lie to look tough.  

I'm a big boy now after all.

"It's Ok!"