Sunday, November 29, 2009

Please pray for her....

My mummy is currently undergoing some major surgeries at KPJ Damansara Specialist Hospital. It is going to take some times there. Thus, I hope she will get loads of wishful prayers on her behalf.

She is diagnosed with "Advance Tongue Cancer". Even though the doctors (Dr. Lum Wah Heng and Dr. Awal) said..the chances may be 50-50, I still keep my hopes high. I believe she is not giving up and neither do I. I still hope for some miracles to happen.

I thank you for your kindness in advance. Thank you for staying with me and standing next to me through these hard times.

May Allah bless us all, ameen.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Success behind the flaws...

Success? Perhaps.

People won't stop judging until they see the subject falls. People will only stop at two; 1. The subject ridiculously falls like what they assume OR 2. The subject successfully proves the ridiculous theory wrong.

Why? Oh well, it is just the nature of human being. We can't be free enough to see others happy. There must be something we can do to point our flawless criticism.

It's itchy on my back. Seriously it is... It's like living with fungus all around you. Everywhere you go, people are eyeballing on you. They just wait for the right moment till you make even a simple mistake. They know how to tackle your fragility.

I have no idea...I think, it's nothing but a guaranteed excitement to judge others.

I come with flaws. I am not perfect. But who are you to judge? The decision I have made was totally under no influence of my personal being. It was totally professional. And I am proud to say, "It's a success!"

At this point, you are still digging for my dirt. By all means, please do. While you are busy digging, I am already on top. Where are you? Seriously, do you want to be on the bottom forever? Come on, work with me here... God does not change your fate! You have to work to attain perfection dude! Money does not come easy. Go figure.

I will try to serve you with a smile on my face. It's true I am lack of the expertise you're looking for. But darn it, I like your attitude, bashing me like that.... Don't I deserve any applause upon my success? Damn, I worked hard for it! Spare me some credit will you.

I therefore like to call it.."Success behind the flaws". It's another trek to my freedom.

Lastly, do your best in whatever things you do best. As I will do my best to achieve great things ahead. Sayonara to you (waving goodbye).

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Long Trek to Freedom

Long Trek to Freedom

I am caught up in the desperate struggle against my inner self.
"Should I brutally hit my lustful desire or
should I just kill myself instead?"
I realize; this is somehow a battle to survive.
I need a precise word to change...'DETERMINATION'.

To live is to make decisions.
"Why did I choose this path?"
Let me reflect on how hard for me
to hold my attention upon changing.
I just don't have the ENTHUSIASM anymore.

The blood bath has begun since my secondary years.
Those were good years but I have wasted my years of purity.
As I yearn for changes, I lost my focus when I should
be concentrating on my studies in my hostel.
"Where have I been?", "I have been in prison!"

I have been living myself on the run for too long now.
It never stops... The longest effort lasted only for 3 weeks.
Yet I am running again.
I am running towards the darkness.
I have to admit... it's a journey to hell.

I am still hoping... for a surprise package to knock my door.
A package of freedom, free from this lust.
"It can't be far now... I am nearly out of prison."
I want my poetry to be read by them.
So they see my trek to freedom is nothing but a fight.

by aNs, 8 Nov 2009

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Yup. It is definitely a positive note for me after the past few weeks of decline.

With the current direction, I should probably be looking ahead for the release of my wretchedly unhappy life.

This emotion keeps on bouncing whenever firm tragedy/dilemma/misery happens.

Nevertheless, I am looking forward for this weekend. Here in Terengganu, we are celebrating the weekend beginning from Friday. Nobody works on Friday here. To this date, my pre-weekend plan are:

- Bathe CT, clean her nest and feed her as usual,
- Go to Pasar Minggu and buy something(s),
- Tahlil, Yaasin and Solat Hajat for mummy and arwah Tok Bob,
- Do laundry,
- Avoid any lustful interaction with anybody.

I hope I will gain something good this time though the negative counters are unchanged. Can I trade this misery instead? Is there anybody out there wants to trade their merrily blissful life with me? A split share perhaps? 50-50?

No matter how much effort I put to walk away from the misery, it will all end up in a perfect, untouched list. It is like nothing has improved and they will be re-listed after the completion of its prior restructuring list...which I did long ago.

Bottom line is; I should not walk away from the test anymore. Life is in fact a terrible test. What's in front of me is fated and I should accept it like a man. Even if it means to let go of someone very special.

I have learned to accept this fatal fate. Life goes on. That's what people told me.

After this weekend and the following weeks, I hope the turnover will be great. If 'great' sounds a bit far-fetched, 'better' is more than OK. I just hope I can once again be the alacrity boy I used to be.

That's all for now. Toodles.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Dear Witheld,

30 Oct 2009; 1.13a.m.. Witheld 'called'..or miscalled, I suppose.
31 Oct 2009; 12.45p.m.. Witheld called but I was away. How unlucky.
1 Nov 2009; 10.38p.m.. Witheld called but I accidentally pushed the red button. How stupid.
2 Nov 2009; 1.17a.m.. Witheld called. It was raining. Thunders were shouting at each other. I would not dare answering the phone, so I rejected the call. How ridiculous.
3 Nov 2009; 1.30p.m.. Witheld miscalled for 2 seconds. WTF?!

(Sigh). I thought I have gotten rid of Witheld. Why me, why now? Why can't you just let me off and enjoy this luxury of freedom? Why do you have to toy with my emotion and feeling when you left me long ago?

How I wish I have never met you... Those unlucky night.

Oh. That's pretty much about my sigh for Witheld. Gone. Yup. Witheld's gone now. Uwaaaa.... Why has Witheld gone? Did Witheld leave a message? NO!

Now, I am proceeding to blow my nose with a loud trumpeting noise so that Witheld fall back, alarmed.

Oh no I am not. I have come here to say something important and that I am about to say

I say, "I'll do it my way!" I will stand on my own stool. I don't need you anymore. I don't need you to ask me out for one night and leave me forever the next morning, again. I am sorry. I have to pass on that.

See, you took me in quite improperly. You introduced me to your weird friends. You left me watching "The Late Show with David Letterman" that night, all by MYSELF. And you? You were having loads of fun downstairs. Boo! You are an old man to the life. And how do you make yourself cute? Oh cheated me with your charm.

I was practicing this disguise when you came. Obviously, I failed. I was not as good as you...and your friends. I am no match to you.

You are a marvel, Witheld. Honestly, you are. You showed me the best place to land my feet on that night. Incredible. You made me feel good about myself. Awesome. Your voice and your laugh... I can't buy them. Damn, I am wonder-struck by your charm!

No, I should not! No! Stop it! Stop calling me please. You know I can't hide my lust on you.

Whoa, take it easy Niza! Your sympathetic!? A good combination of sympathy and pathetic? Yeah....

Ok.. I am coming back to my senses.

Dear Witheld,
I just want to write you this. You are threatening me by interrupting my life plan. You'll hardly believe this but I do feel threatened. I need to move on Witheld.

Why didn't you slap me that morning? At least, I would get the warning. The warning that you'll leave forever and stay out of my radar.

Why do you have to call me using 'Witheld'? And how dare you get to me by simply saying; "Sampai hati tak call I!" For goodness sake, how am I suppose to call when I don't even have your number???! Poor me.

Thank you Witheld for giving me such a clip on my ear that I would not be able to hear you for months OR years OR ever again! Thank you.

Thank you.