Sunday, November 7, 2010
I just finished watching "My GF is a Gumiho (Nine-tailed-fox)"...
Now I feel like I'm lost somewhere around the desert...
I feel utterly bored!
I need more Korean stuffs!!!!
Please help me, I'm a Korean series and K-Pop addict!
THERE! I said it!
Where's the other members of this support group??????????
Saturday, November 6, 2010
I was so (not really) depressed over this 'mistakenly decided' act which I did last night. I rushed from Subang to J-Town as I thought I needed my non-sexy yet pretty night sleep to wake up early for exam invigilation.
My invigilation schedule says: Sunday-7 November 2010-2.15-5.15PM-DMS. I don't really know for whatever reason that is or was, I have decided to cut off my break (embracing civilization and breathe the unhealthy air of KL) and rush to J-Town A.S.A.P. I should have stayed a little longer to spend time with them. Urgh. This is so annoying.
I, for once thought that today is Sunday the 7th Nov already!!!!! Seriously. It turns out to be SATURDAY the 6th. How weird is that? Therefore, I have rushed for a complete NOTHING! Nothing! Aigoo..why does this day have to move so slow??!
p/s - Hmm..if only I have stayed last night...
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Enough with the game. I'm done with it. I have let it go..down the drain..bye bye misery.
Seriously, what's with this 'bad romance?' Urgh..is it a 23-episodes of awful drama series?!
Gwaenchanayo...gwaenchanayo...It's ok, it's ok...
I keep telling my self it's ok. but DANG me!!! It's not ok. Well, at least I am clear now. Cristal clear. Thanks. I just wish that the friendship does not end here. Please be happy..please, please...be happy for me as I am happy for you.
Tett...Ok, the RESET button has been pressed. I'm ready to take off. Oh boy, I wish you can come along...but...
All the best in everything. Till then...keep on smiling Niza. ;p
p/s - The world is laughing at you..bwahahahahahahahhaa...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Anyway, there's nothing much to talk about. I wish to clarify something;
So, please...bug off and stop bothering me. The case was closed. For future reminder: STOP USING MY NAME TO COVER YOUR SINFUL TRACK!!!
The person I used to know is no longer the same. What is happening? What makes you change? I love you when you WERE you; caring for others, looking after them, making them laugh, taking a good care of their feelings and craving smile on our faces. For that, I thank you.
Now? You have changed into some kind of monster. You don't care for them anymore. You tend to hurt them often. You make us cry. You choose to ignore us. You choose not to listen. You choose to be apart. YOU HAVE CHANGED...
They say that change comes from within. What is real? What is not? It's all YOU. You create your own reality and you create your fantasy.
Sorry if I ever hurt you in any way... I am sorry.
Exam oh Exam...
To those who are going to the battlefield;
Good luck! Aim and reach for the stars!
Do your best! Be the best that you can be! ;p
Have faith and be confident!
Be prepared! Expect success and you will fill yourself with confidence and happiness. ;p
Remember what we have learned and discussed!
Be positive! Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you will start having positive results, insyaAllah.
You can do it! Remember guys, the difference between CAN and CANNOT is only three letters...but the letters can determine your direction. Aim for the right one!
All the best to all! ;p
Sunday, September 19, 2010
|Open your heart and listen|
What will you do if a student tries to hook you in by making you feel guilty or responsible for the low mark you give in the test or for the draft? Are you going to give in or being "hooked in"? Are you going to be angry? Are you going to ignore?
I had the case of such power struggle in my classroom today. It was a bit hard as the student (she) stood up with her points without acknowledging my comment. I have reasons for saying "This is improper, this is inappropriate, this sounds rather awkward and wrong, you should rephrase....." It's not that I put a hold on her paper for only one time!!! I had to go through and re-read everything before I gave her the marks she deserves. Seriously, it was a major headache. (Sigh). If...and only if she could consider how the situation would end up...Chillax ok guys?!...Why resort to being so defiant?!
As for me, I have tried my very best to avoid any sort of power struggle in my practice. It used to be easy. Seriously. I used to give the responsibility back to the students so they will be aware of the consequences. As long as I keep focusing on students' choices and explain the consequences, it is fine. I don't focus thing on me because...there's no 'win-win' situation. When I analyze today's problem...it appears on my mind: "Could it be that she just wants to get attention? Could it be that this is one attention-getting behavior?"
I am aware that some students are just stubborn and argumentative. Some will go to the extent of fighting with the teachers/lecturers regarding the rules or assignments. This kind of behavior portrayed by students only leads me to a route where power struggle occurs. These students want to dominate and engage me into fighting them. It won't work guys!!! I don't entertain any attention-seekers that much, for that matter. This is a university. Whatever you get for your mark is totally what you deserve. I cannot afford of awarding you high marks if you don't deserve it. Besides, I have no reason to fail you if you don't deserve to fail. Do we have some understanding here?! It is mutual.
I still remember...back when I was a student. A wise educator of mine; Pn. Rohaya always preaches this chant; "Love the knowledge, love the ones who share the knowledge and love every opportunity to seek for the knowledge". One must respect the knowledge and open his/her heart to seek wisdom. Puan Rohaya always rationalizes her principles based on "Adab Menuntut Ilmu" by Imam Al-Ghazali. Where is the "wisdom" spirit in students nowadays?!
|Is this too heavy to carry?|
Students nowadays are lack in terms of respecting the nur, hidayah and the wisdom of knowledge. Eight or nine weeks ago, students brought dictionary into the classroom. VERY GOOD! Today??? The dictionary is just a mere tool or leg to support a broken bed. Literally.
Assignments??? My students used to be very diligent and normally submit their assignments on time. It is good that they exhibit some effort to attain what they have always been dreaming of (getting an "A+++"). Today? They do not even remember the given assignments. Some even pretends not to know or have not being informed about the existence of such assignments. Very good!!! ;p
When you have agreed to take turns, you must follow and stick to it. Do not come and tell me: "I'm sorry Mr. Niza, our group cannot present today because one of our group members is absent... I don't know where he/she is. Perhaps, he/she is still celebrating the Raya at home..."...Tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut....!@#$%^&*&&^...Here's an advice: Do not waste your friends' time and do not waste my time!
One more scenario:
You have more than enough time to prepare for the discussion and how could you come to class and; "Mr. Niza, we cannot present today...can we do it tomorrow? We are not ready..." NOT READY eyh?! Not ready my ar** then!!! huhu...
Oh boy, I could not say that in class... I'm a weakling! Of course I gave them a chance. It is okay if you want to do it later, say...tomorrow?!...But you have to take risk of giving me the BEST discussion ever! Do not come to class and give me a 'scripted' discussion. I am NOT a robot that is going to analyze your discussion!!!
This is getting serious. Last two months were delightful for me as students were present and very minor absenteeism could be detected.
|Jangan lah ponteng, please..;(|
Today: After two weeks of break. My 311 students. Some of the boys were absent. It breaks my heart... It's ok...only a couple of weeks left. Ya Allah, I beg for your mercy to give me some strength and crave some smile on my face...ameen.
Afterall, it's your attendance and participation. Not mine, am I not right?! *wink*
Good luck guys!!! ;p
Ok. That's all for today. Hehe....(just for the sake of updating this blog)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri...
Let us take a moment to praise Allah and be thankful to Him for the luxury of being here to celebrate this glorious day. Say Alhamdulillah.
Have fun and enjoy yourself among families and friends. Be happy and keep making other people around you happy. Let us bring happiness to all.
Treasure this moment to seek for forgiveness and forgive others. Let bygones be bygones.
I am utterly sorry if ever I made any mistakes or hurt you by any chance...Please forgive me as I am just an ordinary human being who will gradually make mistakes.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Today...I feel like a rock star...this IsyaAllah is imminent (rock star)..LOL...
The truth is, I don't have any voice yet to teach... I have yet to start a group discussion with ECD3KI but...it hurts. It's painful. This sore throat is killing me...BIG time!
Please, please, please go away now..."shoo shoo"...
I know I sound sexy...that it makes me irresistible..Huhu...seriously! I have a feeling that...with a voice like mine (temporary), even the diva; Mariah Carey must bow before me! Huhu...(how wishful)
Ok, I ought to leave now...I still have some markings to do (Outline for ECD3KIs)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
I know it is bad to start my day with sigh...but...I do not have a precise word to describe my day. Dissapointed? Not really....
BEL311...in my humble opinion, today was brilliantly okay. This week's theme is "Discussive Essay". Alhamdulillah (praise to Allah), my students know the core and the essence of writing a discussive essay (Hopefully....huhu ;p). For last week's outline (Cause-Effect Essay), I think everyone fulfilled the requirement of the format. What did I tell you guys?! "You guys are smart, remember!!?" Say, Alhamdulillah...for everything. I hope things will go well with this Wednesday's discussion.
Absentees? Hmm...let me recall....Rahman was absent. So did Fahmi, Ridzuan, and Afiq. Do you have valid reason and MCs?! What happen to you guys??! I am worried. I hope you can catch things up with your friends. REMINDER: Your final submission of term paper outline is dued this Friday (13/8/2010)-In class!
BEL011...ACPD1B...Dissapointed? Not really....I was out of tune for a bit...Perhaps I was not feeling well... Come to think of that, I do not feel quite well at the moment. (Sigh)...Snap! Enough Niza, sighing will not get you anywhere!!!
OK. Here's the thing...I am suppose to have a replacement class with them tonight. I already had plan for them. Tonight, we are suppose to watch drama presentation from Mr. Firhan's group at ILQAM (Auditorium 2) - 8.00 - 10.00PM. Nevertheless, due to the latest timetable, my group (ACPD1B) have night classes with a part-timer effectively from Monday to Wednesday... What about my class???! (Sigh).
I feel sleepy. The truth is, I could not sleep last night. Some people from the next house were 'busy' chatting (zip!, zap!, zup!) without considering the late hours...(Sigh). I swear to God, I could hear their conversation...It was something random from 'house rent' to 'chocolate cake'..???? What???! I woke up a bit late...6.50am...and I went to class at 8.03am.
Later, I will be working on some of my students' outlines. I will try my best to help them (in any way). I really hope they can score good for the term paper assignment (InsyaAllah).
Ok. I think I ought to leave this room. Enough with this useless piece of rambling. Till we meet again Mr. Bloggy.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
What I did was..hehe...jeng jeng jeng...
I gave them their papers...their outlines...and I failed everyone. The average score for the class was 3/10...huhu...I told them that they failed for the outline part....
I was expecting some girls to complain or argue about their marks...but...came to my surprise, a boy....was looking extremely worried..
"Sir (restless+hopeless+helpless gesture), I can't afford of getting C this semester..."
Haha...lolz...that was funny....It was Amin I think....His partner is Hasif....Chill out guys!!! There's nothing to worry about...In my humble opinion, you are on the right track...as long as you meet the requirement...
The mark???! What's with the mark? Haha...the truth is....it is only 5%...so, the average was 3/5...Obviously, you were not paying attention to the briefing which I did on the first week, remember?!...After this, please refer to your scheme of work ok...and remember the time line....Yeah, please remind me if I forget to fulfill the requirement of the scheme of work ok!!;p
The thing is...I enjoy teaching all of you...It is nice to joke around sometimes to see whether you care about your study and stuffs...Huhu..
Before I end this piece of rambling, please forgive me guys! I am sorry students...weee~~~
p/s - Remember, your final outline is to be submitted by next week (the latest is on Friday, 13 August 2010). Please attach your sources together with your outline ok!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
p/s - I am utterly thankful to have you guys in my life.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
12 July 2010, Monday.
Hello! What's buzzing out there?
As usual, my life as an educator offers me a colorful walking pavement which I am enjoying it so far! ;p Today, I had classes for BEL311 and BEL011. The first class with my part three students was amazing! They participated and engaged themselves actively during my lessons. Today's topic was about "Making Generalization from the Text". I also taught them on how to be critical and how to cite sources (references). It was fun. Those kids are clearly young with fresh ideas inside their minds. It was amazing that some students managed to discuss about complicated things. Most of them still have problem to narrow and have a strong focus about their topics. Nevertheless, it was fun teaching them the theory behind APA references. The class went a bit 'overwhelmed' just now. I did a language game with them. Today, we have played "Funny Story". They gave me a topic which is; "Pimples". From there, we started to write sentences on a piece of paper. Then we folded the paper so that the rest cannot view our sentences. The trick is to write whatever comes to their mind, without focusing too much about the topic. At the end, we are supposed to have a series of unconnected stories which form the "Funny Story". It was fun. At the end of the class, I have selected some students to read the story out loud. Come to my surprise, the story has nothing to do with "Pimples"! It was funny. Some students wrote about "Nasi Lemak", "Wild imagination", "Heading to Bandar Jengka after class"….and the funniest was when a boy honestly wrote about his hidden feeling towards a girl in that class. It does not make any sense at all but that is the purpose; to create a funny story. Boy, you should look at their expression while presenting the story!!! They also learned on how to appropriately include the connectors etc.
I was a bit disappointed with my second class. The reason being is; there were some students (boys) who refused to participate and support each other. What happened??? I thought we are one family?! There was a moment when I felt like crying and I expressed my feeling by telling the class how sad I was for not having relevant support from them. It was also unfair for the rest of the class since everyone must present their speech. It's ok….I hope you guys can cooperate and help each other ok! As far as I remember, you (the responsible lads) still owe me the debt…I will claim it later. Other than that, I was also flabbergasted by some students who portrayed their bravery and tried to present in front with confidence! Congratulation guys! Credits go to Venesse, Kadijah Farah Farhana, Syimir, Ismail and basically everyone from that class…who have presented their insights! Kudos guys! I wish to see more courage from the rest of you guys! I also played a language game (Funny Story) with this class. Their topic was about; "Shoes". Only the difference is; they focused too much about the topic rather than writing from whatever comes in their heads… Yeah, we managed to pull through and have fun with each other. I just hope those boys can cooperate and participate during the next lesson. Or maybe my approach was not reachable to those kids???! (Sigh). I start to wonder…could it be that they just did not understand what I have been saying and that's why they did not participate? Perhaps. I MUST DO SOMETHING!
I still love both of my classes and there will be plenty of time to explore their potential individually! I wish you guys all the best and may you succeed in life, ameen.
Ok, moving on…I still have not found a decent place to stay. The hunt is still on. I just hope to get a nice house to live before the semester ends.
Today's lesson in a capsule: "What kind of room which has no doors and windows???" The answer is: "MUSHROOM". LOL.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Yes...and it is official. It has been ten days already since I first started to work with UiTM (1 July 2010). Living in Jengka has opened my sight especially on how people can be so money-oriented. Gosht, people here are so acquisitive!!! I am yet to talk about stuffs to buy at the mart(s)/supermarket(s). I was referring to the house-to-look-for. So far, we have no luck of getting a nice and decent house. For many of us, it is just a predicament as we start our career life. As for me, it is still a basic necessity so I can plan and produce more industrious lessons for the kids. I need a proper house. This is not a complaint. It is more like an expression so that people know how hard it is to stand on our own when we just walked into the working path. I am sorry if I sound a little bit of whining, here and there. Nevertheless, I managed to pull through and enjoy myself here in Jengka.
One of the reasons is because of the food. I have always been a food lover when it comes to "fish". It is so gratifying to just have plain fish (served... either fried or steamed or boiled) together with my plate of rice. Yummy! On top of that, the ease of availability for specific fish, namely; "Patin a.k.a Silver Catfish" really makes me happy. Just looking at the size of "patin sangkar" and also "patin sungai" pleases me! Now imagine, those "patin-s" are cooked with "tempoyak"!!! Burp! Alhamdulillah…. Ok, now it is official, "Ikan Patin Masak Tempoyak" is my favourite dish….next to the so famous; "Singgang Ikan of Terengganu"!!! I simply love it. So far, I enjoy eating at a restaurant next to Agrobank Jengka. They serve the best "Patin Masak Tempoyak" so far. Bwekk…the truth is, there are many places which are yet to be discovered. I am waiting for my paycheck and also my free time to explore more about "Patin" dishes. In UiTM, the café also serves "Patin Masak Tempoyak". They prefer to use "patin sangkar" but the size is rather small. ;(… However, it is still worth it and the PRICE is…KNOCK! KNOCK!, CHEAP!
Ok, enough about my hankering of "Patin" fish. Now, I would like to write about one funny thing. About 4pm (10 July 2010), I had a phone call from a parent of one of my students. He was asking about PTPTN. It seems that he had this confusion which might lead to misguided information. Basically, it was regarding the online application and also a printed letter which he had just received from PTPTN. I was surprised, honestly. Do I look or sound like a PTPTN officer, for that matter? Hmmm…I had no idea why that student (from Civil Engineering Program) passed my number to his father. As far as I remember, I clearly told them to text or call me if they have problems regarding academic matter and not during weekend or outside office hour. However, I was glad that the father contacted me (I sounded as if I am an important person, am I?!hehe) LOL. Anyway, I gave the information which might be useful and based on my experience as a UiTM student.
Last Friday, a student texted me; "Salam Mr. Niza, I want to ask you whether we have a class tomorrow or not. I was informed that all lecturers will have to attend a staff meeting tomorrow. Please reply me…" Again, this is a bit hilarious…since I do not have any class with them on Friday. He was asking about BEL011 class. I only have one class on Friday which is BEL311. I have no idea where did they get the idea of me teaching them BEL011 on Friday. Then, I took it as a misunderstanding. The student replied; "Oh, sorry sir..". Why "Sorry"??? Jeng, jeng, jeng…1. He was misinformed about the class and 2. He texted me around 1.45AM!!! My goodness!!! I was almost having my forty winks before I was dead to the world that night! But, of course I replied politely…since he is just my student…who is eager to come to class and learn. Cool. (Lucky that I am still single and not having a family yet) ;p
I guess, that is all for now. I will try to update myself on my colorful experience as an educator here in UiTM Jengka. Till we meet again, toodles Mr. Blogger. ;p
Monday, July 5, 2010
I am writing from the Lecturer's Lounge, UiTM Jengka Pahang. It is hot outside so I have decided to land my feet on in this cold and convenient room.
Read the news today...seriously, what's with this ulama' changing parties thingy and ulama' changing the state laws? It is all politics...I don't like the way we are heading because religious matters should not be played according to the current political game scenario. But then, who am I to say because I play the minutest role in this. In fact, I just signed up for the voter's list, huhu...;p To top that up, I must say, I am a bit blunt with our latest political scenario.
Flipping over the pages has made me feel nauseous because it is almost the same news and things reported everyday. Politic and pro-governments issues are filling the front pages...almost everyday. I am bored with it already. Somewhere inside the pages....there's a news about Terengganu beaches. It mentions that almost 10 couples are caught naked everyday at Terengganu beaches. WOW! That is bizarre....LOL...
The news about a Chinese guy who died after donating his blood for the 45th time struck me a bit. I was a bit moved by the news since I have never donated my blood. I hope I can become like that guy who constantly donated his blood whenever possible, except the 'death' part. I think it's noble.
Another news is about a letter to Utusan's editor. I found it's funny as it specifically mentions UiTM Jengka in the letter. The sender (Mama E-Dora) complaints about how UiTM treats her child by making her share the room with six students. She claims that it is unfair for her daughter because by right, the room is supposed to cater four persons. Over the limit eyh?! Dear Mama E-dora, first and foremost, you must understand the major problem which UiTM is facing. Abundance of students!!! UiTM has this policy to take more and more unfortunate students to be given the luxury of education. Not to mention the underqualified students who have been given a second chance to study and also the "Destini Anak Bangsa" program. Where do you expect those unfortunate students to stay if it's not at the hostel???! That is why, UiTM is forced to ask your child to move out and become an NR student. However, the problem is...it is extremely hard...wait, it is almost impossible to find a descent and cheap houses here in Jengka. I am facing the same problem too. In fact I am still looking for a nice place to stay.
Today (8-10am, 10-12pm) was my very first day teaching. The first group I have met was a group from Civil Engineering program. The code is BEL311 and they are in part three. I must say, I am delighted with my first impression upon this group. They are just supportive and cooperative. They responded quite well. Overall, in my humble opinion, they just need a little bit polishing for the grammar, speaking, writing and reading. Other than that, they are moving to the right direction. I am just glad that most of them (94%) were responsive just now. On top of it, I am proud to say that most of them have clearer vision and goals on what to be expected from me and also from BEL311.
The second group which I met was a group from Pre-Diploma in Accountancy program. Errrmm...there is not much to say about this group except they are a bit passive and less responsive compared to the other group. Of course, how can I compare these two groups? Obviously, they are from different levels. Most of them have problems comprehending the message I have been conveying. I did a lot of simplifying with them to the extent of using very minimal (4%) of Bahasa Malaysia in my lesson. I am aware of the negative impact which it carries but what other options do I have? I am referring to that time-line. One thing I have noticed about them is they responded quite well when I asked them to present a short role-play or sketch. It was worth of my time asking them about their expectation from the course and also from the lecturer (me). Most of them have problems using proper and appropriate English with correct mechanics and tone. Most of the time, they prefer to remain silent and not responding to the instruction given. Through games and role-playing, I learned that those students engage themselves in the language use even if it is minimal. At least, they are trying to fulfill the task given. Therefore, congratulation to them for making their very first day of class at UiTM.
I still have not figured out what tomorrow has to offer me. I hope, the next groups will be more cooperative and also responsive. InsyaAllah, I will try my best to make the lesson as fun as possible! ;p
So far, I found that I love my students and I really hope I can do something to help them improve their competency as well as their proficiency of the language.
I think that is all for now. Till we meet again, toodles.
P/s - I am anxiously waiting for my "Surat Pengesahan Senat" from UiTM Shah Alam....urgh....
Sunday, July 4, 2010
People around me seem to have clear goals which keep them moving smooth all the time. Sometimes, I borrow their tenets to be adapted with my lifestyle. Most of the time, it works but I am not sure if I am happy or not. I have this question in my mind all the time; "Am I doing the things right?" and "Am I doing the right things?". I wish I can succeed without having such questions or doubt about my credibility. But...(sigh)..
Successful people would have certain principles for their daily routines. I have read several books (not that I don't like reading, I am just too lazy to put my glass on..;p) on how to live a successful life or how to walk and talk with wisdom bla bla bla... None of those books compels me on how to have my own stand and not following others....
What? All this while, I have been living my life according to other people's standards!!! If I am too blunt to know the message, I would be saying; "What's wrong with that??"
Today, I have encountered a brilliant advice which says; "Do not be trapped with dogma!"... It simply means: do not over-follow principle of other people or you'll see yourself a loser. Somehow, I see the truth in that. By following others, I don't see myself standing tall on my own. I am living my life, aren't I???
Thus, starting from today, I will step-by-step try to carve my own path by drawing my own line, even if it means my lines to be a bit lower than others. At least, I set my own standard! Wohoo. It is good to have a hold on principle of others. Don't get me wrong. I am talking about guidelines that really serve as a guide rather than a benchmark.
Learning how not to be trapped by dogmas is a bit tricky. First, I need a goal. A clearer goal! I need to have my vision, clearer version! I am still thinking it over and over (for the past four minutes). All I have is big dreams and hopes. That is not a vision. I still remember about 'vision' (according to someone who gave an interesting talk at U8B's seminar). Vision is specific goals to be achieved according to plan. It must be specific! Yeah....
I need to spend more time thinking and less time of napping to have a specific vision, perhaps. I will do that...immediately! I will...I am doing it...NOW!
Vision, vision, please come to me and knock a portion of my brain clearly please....please..please....Naah, that won't do it.... I need fresh air.... Hopefully, before I close my eyes tonight, I will have my own dogma and principles...Hopefully.... Hey, I WILL! Yes, I WILL!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Ok, I am starting to count my days here in Jengka....starting from....now. Day 1.
Oh...it is freaking dry here in Jengka. The heat.... The nothingness along the way to workplace..... The loneliness...
Oh boy...it is awfully hard to find a nice and decent house here in Jengka. Fighting over a house with God-knows-how-many-NR-students-out-there....urgh...what a test to my un-local knowledge of current trend among Jengka peeps.
Jengka is a place where you can find Malays which make up 99.2% of its population. To me, it is a weird place as how undeveloped the place is. So far, I have seen two supermarkets around...no TESCO, MYDIN, GIANT or whatsoever...Huhu..there's no 7E as well...how cool is that huh?!
Felda, Felda, Felda. So many numbers and names of Felda around. Basically, it is like so many sections and partitions...At least, that's what I can relate after four years living in Shah Alam... Felda Jengka 20=Section 20 Shah Alam. LOL.
Dry, dry and dry...sightseeing? I wish. Palm trees fill most of the picture frame though. But I guess, I am okay with this. I have chosen this path, so I will bear with it. I will survive!
How can I not be okay? I have friends...Many friends as a matter of fact. I certainly hope I can easily make friends with everyone there at UiTM. Afterall, it helps me to kill my time...by making a lot of friends and hang out. Come to think of it, where would we hang out here in Jengka???! LOL...
Gersang...The soil is dry with dust everywhere. I might as well start counting the palm trees here to keep me sane....huhu...
I love this place! Weird...but I think i am beginning to fall in love and play along with the music. How comforting. A friend of mine says; "Find happiness in whatever you do and everything will be just fine! Love your work and try to be happy!" (Ekhwan, 2010). Thanks buddy...I will try my best to love what I do here...huhu...
Till then, I ought to go now....but I promise to start looking for happiness here. Toodles.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Last night, I had a fight with someone who is very dear to me....I did not sleep well last night. As a matter of fact, I spent a night somewhere else....somewhere where I could forget what had happened. But I would be lying to myself, wouldn't I?
The truth is, I can never forget what happened between us. The fight....urgh, it was just....STUPID....drop it off already....
I wish I can say I am over that issue..but I am not. Still. Just because of a small matter, you left me crashing and burning myself the whole night....what the hell am I crap-ping about? I seriously have no idea. The notion of fighting with someone in the same blood-line (just perhaps)...is a total ridicule....
Can we hug now and get it over with please?! Because, I really need to focus on something else... I hope, you will be able to smile when you talk to me...next time...I really hope so....
I am sorry if ever I did offend you...in any way...which I did not have any intention to do so...huhu...
Sorry for everything...and goodnight dear....
Monday, May 31, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
urgh...perfect timing...tomorrow's d big day...y now??!
d weather is going crazy lately...it freaks me out...awful...
i am scared.
ok, enough with d rambling.
Have u ever been in a situation where u think that everything is fine but it turns out differently. When the coin flipped, u thought that u were on the right side when actually, it's the other side u should be at...weird.
Hmmm.... I don't know what seems to be wrong but I have this feeling of being rejected. I mean...did I do something wrong? I woke up this morning at about 6.00am... I took my friend to the train station and he was off to work. I went back home. I washed my face (because it was too oily) and the next thing I remember, I was in my bed...fleeing from the miserable world.
I then woke up at about 9.30am. I had my breakfast (Nasi Lemak+Soya Bean) with a friend at the living room. I then hit the shower. I sms-ed a friend; asking if he had printed the notes (for CALL's exam). Yes, he did. In fact, I have been buzzing him with the photocopying thing since...last week perhaps. So, he asked a friend of mine and I to get the notes and photocopy. That's what we did.
Before leaving the house, I passed RM60 to my roommate (it's for the house). He asked me where was I about to go...and I told him that I was off to study. Before photocopying the notes, I have informed him about that and asked if he wants a copy. He said it's ok, coz he ought to get some notes from a friend. That was about it.
After rambling around and hitting behind the bush. The outcome was kind of zero. So much for studying. That was not what I call "study". Too many distractions at McD. I did not even finish answering questions from a single paper. Ridiculous.
My friend and I went home. Starting from that moment, I got this cold shoulder. Not mine or was it mine? I can't even recall. It was awkward. Questions were replied with single words. Weird.
I did not get it then. I was online for a while. Browsed through some pages and hyperlinks+hyper-medias. Baam. That was it. Read a status from facebook. Wow. That was weird. I did not get it. When did I leave someone behind??? Yeah. I did not even dare to wake someone up if that person slept at 6 in the morning. I would not even dare to make noises wondering if he might wake up. I understand of the bad sleeping habit. SO, I guess, he needed to rest.
Tell me something, was I wrong to leave you with your lala-land and leave the house? By right, I should be credited for sparing the peaceful moment for u... I really don't get it which part of my act that made u feel left out????! Have I ever left you??? Wow...if that's the case, I really am a bad figure. Are you expecting something from me? What did I do??? Where did I go wrong???
And...what's with the cold shoulder? What did I do to deserve such treatment? It hurts. It hurts. But that's ok. I completely understand.
I always fly solo I guess..cool...;p
Ok, now I feel really weird...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
I just want you to be happy, even with the absence of my heart in your life. I know you can pull through. Now, it is the time for you to get up and chase your freedom. There will be no one stopping you from what you crave. Go on. Be happy. I can't be happy seeing you in such desolation. I love you, I do. But I can't do this anymore. I need a break. From everything.
Thank you for every single memory and thought you gave me. You are the best. Indeed you are. I am very pleased to have you, stopping by...even just for a while. I will remember you for...quite a long time, I guess. The feelings won't go away in an instance. It will remain there. Time will make it fade. Again, be happy and enjoy your life ok.
Love, sincerely yours,
N 2 N
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
What were we doing? Why were we doing those again? Remind me of that....
Felt so awkward and restless. Now it's just awkward. A bit challenged.
One great lesson I have learned today...Crying is tiring. T__________T
Xnak buat dah keje gile... I thought I have grown up...turns out...I am the most childish boy...sampai nangis2.... Hahahahahaha...how stupid that is.
I wonder...why in the first place???? No worries...all on me...
Ok, now I am shy... I am crazy, am I?!...I am fragile, am I?! Dumb dumb dumb......
You are the best.......WOW! Nobody makes me cry for ages...well, as you can see...I am not the type of guy who would easily shed a tear...but today....T______T
Damn, yet I thought I am strong! I see myself as a strong boy....rupe-rupenye... Fragile.
Handle me with care, please.
To love is to lose.
Yet, I declared myself as a winner of this losing game.
So, where does that leave me?
and now, I guess....love is gone already.
I can't say I am happy...coz that contradicts my feeling for (I know who).
I just want to say sorry. Sorry for disappointing you. Sorry for not being there when you need me the most. Sorry I'm bad. Sorry for everything.
One thing I am not sorry about is....being with you.
I'll treasure those moments...coz I sincerely love you.
Weird when I have those beautiful pictures of a perfect family with you...but I seem to distant myself. Awkward. Stupid.
Admitting my mistake. Yes. My ego was too huge. I guess, it's too late now. I just realized that. How much I affected you...sorry.
If I could turn back the hands of time, I'd hug you and kiss your lips...adoring your moles...and say.."I love you.."
Shy? Discreet? Perhaps. I don't need to tell you those three words. You should know that by heart. And I don't need you to say those too...coz I know...somewhere in your heart..you do love me.
and I am thanking you for that. Call me a bitch for not being grateful...yeah, I am a bitch...I admit that.
I guess...I am a sucka for love...and a loser actually.
I love you.
If this means goodbye..then, I accept it...as it is my ignorance for not looking at you in the eyes.
I am sorry for everything.
Thank you for the sweet memories...I enjoyed every minute of it. You perfected me in many ways. It's hard to get such pearl like you...but I lost it along the way...
Yup, I am stupid indeed. Why? Why? Why? Maybe I am too crazy for you... You are such a goddess. I love your "childish" (but I like to call it as a baby-like) behavior...
I love you, I do...
Friday, March 19, 2010
So tonight, I think I'll reward myself (after all rewards I've been giving myself lately).
I'll go for a movie or two...huhu...
C ya round peeps...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Can't even get rid of the pictures from my head.
When will this pain go away???
Been living in fantasy...so inviting...
Reality check.."knock knock"...You can't always have what you want!
It's time to move on!
Get set, ready............run! Move along with the pace.
Now? Focus on study...\
Love expectation? Zero tolerance. No way. Not anymore.
Need analysis? I just need myself...the whole lot for myself...Just me, myself and I.
You? You were just my dream...Huhu.
Do you know what stupid is?
Stupid is when you trust someone...who does not trust you, not even a bit.
Stupid is when you are being used without your acknowledgment.
Stupid is when you let someone secure a space in your heart when you have nothing in them.
Stupid is when you realize you can't adapt to their lifestyle...but you are trying hard to fit in.
Stupid is when you realize you are just being a toy.
Stupid is when you finally realize you are nothing more than a sex toy.
Stupid is when you say "I love you" and in return, you just get "Thank you" or "ok"
Stupid is when you don't speak their language and pretend that you are part of the clique.
Stupid is when you spend time with her, it is nothing more than mere waste of time, energy, money and life.
Stupid is when you feel hurt because expressing too much love, when in return...you are just on your own.
Stupid is when you know that the relationship won't work. Because, it is just you who works your ass off for that bond to spark.
Stupid is when you fall in love to a person who sees you as an insignificant character.
Stupid is when you let them treat you as a bimbo-kid and make fun of you.
Stupid is when you pretend to be 'cool' when you are not.
Stupid, stupid, stupid....
I feel stupid.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
It's too loud!!!!
I can't get it off of my head!
Is this the burden I have to carry for the rest of my life?
The freshness of the voice, it's painfully annoying at times...
But, it also soothes my heart some times...especially when I am feeling awfully low...
Life in retrospect pov. The day mummy left. The machines. "Tetttt.... Ninong, ninong...tuut...pleeet.....ting ting ting...treeeet...trett....tuuuut...tnnnnnnnnnnnnt...tenong tenong...."
Arrrgh, please go away...
It makes one's soul depress...n sad listening to the playback all over again. The day mummy left, I was there....Abah was there. Haikal was there too. We were sad. We cried. We hugged. We talked. "We've tried everything...but...-abah"
I don't know. That day seems like it's just yesterday. It is still fresh and vivid in my mind. I felt the pain and struggle for living through her eyes......
Rase mcm baru semalam. The sound of those machines. Bising. Pening. Chaos. Bilik penuh dgn doctors and nurses. Dr. Lum was there. So that his assistant. Dr. Awal too. Sister pun datang. Mok Ha was crying, trying to calm her down.
"Asyhaduallailahaillallah...". "Mengucap Lily, megucap..." That's what she said.
Abah genggam erat tgn kanan mummy.
"Ingat Allah 'mi'... asyhaduallailahaillallah....waasyhaduannamuhammadurrasulullah..."
Her eyes....ke atas, ke bawah....what seemed to be obvious was her white eyes.... They said; "malaikat is pulling her soul..."
Dr. Lum panggil abah. Aku ikut. I was next to abah. "There's nothing we can do...Now is the time. We just wait for her to 'leave'..It won't be long... Do pray a lot..." Doctor Lum was very nice. He calmed us.
Ade sorang sister keluar. "I'm sorry..." Abah and I went inside (Room 418). Mummy was gone. "Innalillah.." The machines; "Teeeeeeeeeeeetttttt..." Blood was everywhere. My purple t-shirt was covered with some blood splash. Sayang nak basuh, I kept it in store. Mok Ha jatuh, she cried. I hugged her; "Sabar Mok Ha, dy dah xde...kene trime...Kite yang idup, kene teruskan..." I cried. My strongest weakness is that I can't stand...looking at crying people. It hurts my heart.
Tak sempat mummy nak balik umah. Tak sempat cium aiman and alya hari tu. Budak budak tu tak tau ape pn... The hospital looked like a big playground for them.
Nurses cuci mummy. Mummy punye favorite dress da basah dgn darah. Kitorang tukar. Mummy looks peaceful and calm. Pagi mummy pergi, dy tersenyum. Maybe dy dah tau. Who knows. At last, mummy dipakaikan baju kurung bunga2 yang baru buat. Sempat jugak dy pakai... Pastu, dorang bawak mummy pergi mandi and solat jenazah dkat nearest masjid. Hospital tu x provide service mandi jenazah and everything. Baju last mummy pakai....errmm....baju putih tu la kot....
Sume org sedih. Sume in deep shock. Abang Yo x stop nanges. Sume sedih. Tapi, dats life. Ari ni kite ade, esok kite pergi. Crazy kan, kite cume singgah skjap je.... I've learned that...we are not here for long, so we must treasure every single moment we have and use it wisely...Kalau x, menyesal nanti...
The machines dalam bilik mummy. The noise. Everything. Sume senyap. Tetibe dah xde bunyi. Selama sebulan lebih aku berkampung kat Hospital KPJ Damansara, x pernah satu saat pun mesin-mesin tu senyap. Sume on for 24h monitoring. Nak tido pun, dgr bunyi mesin. Sbab, anything can happen. Memang kene bersedia dari awal.
Teringat pulak kat giliran yang abah buat. My shift untuk jage mummy started from 11pm sampai 630am. Haikal punye shift, pukul 7pm sampai 11pm.... Abah pnye shift...siang hari...from 630am sampai petang. Kadang-kadang abah tertido, same goes to me. Kene stay up, monitor mummy...lap lendir yang keluar from her mouth...Xnak dy rase x selesa. Nak tunggu nurse, lambat..sbab simple things mcm tu kitorang bole buat...
Slalu sembang dgn mummy. Mummy x boleh bercakap. Dy tulis. Sometimes, banyak sampai 7-8 page sekali tulis. Mummy seorang yang kuat. Baru lpas major operation, da start tulis macam-macam. Mood dy slalu swing. Kene sabar je...kalau kene marah... Banyak kali mummy nanges sbab org x paham ape yg dy nak... Mummy x tau sign language...sbab 'bende' tu dtg tanpa diundang. So, x sempat la nak register sign language pnye kelas.
Mase kat Hospital Pakar Kuantan, mummy boleh lagi bangun, nak gi toilet ke...nak duduk ke... Tapi, lepas dy pnye gastrostomy n tracheostomy operation, dy da x bole bangun. Nak duduk pn susah. Sakit. Sakit tengok mummy mcm tu, tapi sakit lagi diri tuan punye badan yang menanggung. Mummy x boleh makan. Minum pun sakit. Doctor kene operate lagi... Mase operation, jantung mummy stop due kali. Abah was prepared if anything goes wrong. I was there...the whole time, next to abah. Dr. Awal frust sbab operation x smooth. Sepanjang dy jadi doctor, dy x pernah skali pn fail... He almost cried.
Mase operation tu, balloon tube from the gastrostomy pnye previous operation pecah. Balloon tu pecah dlm perut mummy. Doctor kene pasang yang baru. Mummy sakit. Mummy x tahan. Mummy slalu rasa x selesa...dy amek masa panjang nak adjust and adapt dgn balloon yang baru. Susu yang nurse masukkan from the tube, slalu meleleh keluar. Mummy sakit. Mummy slalu menangis sbab sakit. Aku x bole tgk mummy nanges. Bile dy nangis, aku pn mule nak nangis.
Machines. Noises. Bising. Mummy x bole tido. Kitorang tanye doctor if bole ke mute. Sorang akak nurse cantik..orang sabah...dy mute kan. Mummy bole tido dgn aman.
Tiub kat leher mummy panjang. Slalu ganggu dy. Sometimes oxygen x masuk dgn proper kt tube tu. Mummy sesak nafas. Emergency lagi. Msuk ICU lagi. X tau da brape kali mummy masuk ICU. Kadang-kadang darah block salur pernafasan mummy. Mummy da x bernafas from her nose or mouth. Mummy completely depends on oxygen coming through the tube. Tapi dy masih bole tersenyum.
Mummy kuat. Mumy slalu bagi nasihat kat aku and Haikal. Mummy suruh tolong tengok-tengokkan aiman and alya. Mummy tulis surat. Nanti bile aiman and alya besar, they will understand. "Mummy xde niat pun nak tinggalkan sume orang. Mummy sayang sume. Mummy sayang Faez, Mad, Haikal, Aiman, Alya...Mummy sayang abah...Mummy mintak maaf kalu ade terbuat salah dengan sume orang" Aku cakap.."mummy x pernah buat salah pun....kitorang banyak buat dosa kat mummy...please forgive us" Mummy nangis.
Mummy slalu nangis...dy slalu rase otrg x sayang kat dy. Mummy slalu rase sunyi. Mummy sedih x dapat dukung alya. Mummy sedih x dapat teman aiman pegi tadika. Mummy slalu rase org x paham the pain yg dy go through. I understand. We understand.
Mummy rindu nak makan nasi. Mummy rindu nak minum air teh susu. Mummy nak minum jus buah. Tapi, Doctor Lum x bagi. Nanti nurse marah. Mummy slalu tanye kitorang; "Sedap x makanan hari ni?" Pastu dy senyum. Mummy suke tgk kitorang (Abah, aku and Haikal) makan same-same as a family. Mummy rindu nak hidangkan nasi kat abah. Mummy rindu nak masak Nasi Tomato favorite aku. Mummy rindu nak masak kt kitorang sume. Tapi, nak angkat sudu pun rase susah. Mummy dah x mampu buat sume tu.
Mummy sayang sume orang. Sume orang sayang mummy. Aku sayang mummy. Aku rindu nak jage mummy. Aku rindu angkat mummy. Aku rindu nak cium dahi mummy. Aku rindu nak lap hingus and air liur mummy. Aku rindu nak sikat rambut mummy. Aku rindu pakaikan bedak sejuk kt muka mummy. Aku rindu nak urut kaki mummy. Mummy suke kalu aku urut kaki dy. Dy slalu lenguh...sbab x bergerak g mane2... Aku rindu pakaikan tudung kt mummy. Aku rindu amek air smayang untuk mummy. Aku rindu nak jage mummy. Aku rindu dy.
Orang cakap dorang paham what we went through. Tengok dari luar mmg paham. Kite yang merase....sabar je la. What happened to mummy. The loss. Aku jadi strong. Aku jadi seorang yang menilai kehidupan from different angle. Hidup ni sekejap je. Aku puas...aku puas tengok mummy senyum hari last dy kat bumi ni. Aku puas dapat jage mummy. Aku puas.
Satu je aku x puas, aku x puas dgr bunyi bingit mesin-mesin kat hospital tu. The noise...peneman tidur aku. The noise. Buat aku terjage waktu malam. The noise, buat aku berhati-hati dgn mummy. The noise, buat aku berdebar-debar. The noise, buat aku menangis.
Mummy slalu cakap "Jangan nangis"...Tapi, bile mummy nangis, aku x dapat tahan.
Now? Aku da x menangis lagi. Sebab mummy dah x menangis. I promised mummy to take good cares of aiman and alyaa. I love them.
Finally, last night...aku mimpi...that akhirnye, aku dapat let go. AKu dapat lepaskan mummy. Goodbye mummy. Now, aku rase, da boleh kot aku delete sms terakhir from mummy dlm phone aku. Aku mungkin dapat delete nombor mummy from my phone. Kalu call pn, bukan ade org jawab...........
I love you mummy. Assalamualaikum.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
My favorite girl would be someone who can easily make me smile, laugh and make me forget all miseries and pains I am going through.
If I ever find someone like this, she is my utterly pretty lady. No matter how bad people look at her, she will always be my pretty lady.
Trust? Of course. Without trust, nobody can work on any sort of relationship.
If that girl does exist, she and I will live and learn to accept each other no matter how flawed we are.
There's a part in me craving for happiness, just like everybody else. I'd be lying if I refuse to be happy.
Am I asking too much? I think I am not. Who am I to ask for perfection from others when I am filled with flaws and imperfections?!
I believe she is out there, somewhere. I believe she is looking for her right man as well. God is fair. One day, we will meet in the middle on our way back down to earth, insyaAllah...
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.
Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon, the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked; 'Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?'
The man said, 'I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.'
What he had written was: "Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it."
The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling.
And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it...
Monday, February 1, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
I miss you...
I miss every single part of you...
I even miss the smell of your hair...
You used to bring me along to watch those silly movies...
You used to hold me in your protective arms...
You used to treat me for delightful dinners...
You used to make me laugh for hours and days...
You used to protect me from dangers and harm...
You used to fight for me and rescue me...
You used to cuddle me and make me giggle...
You used to comfort me whenever I am having breakdown...
You used to drive me around and stroll across the park...
You used to wipe my tears and my sweat...
You used to lean on me and hear me out...
You used to text me every single day...
You used to poke me like a child...
You used to say those three words; "I love you..."
Now, losing you....make me feel even worse.
I miss you.
I love you.
But I know I can't have you.
It's true after all when they say; "You've never felt pain until you've felt love."
Thank you for the memories together.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
It will be a month already since mummy left us.
I miss her.
I miss my family.
I hope she is doing somewhat OK over 'there'.
For what is worth, she won't be suffering anymore, ameen.
The time we spent together,
was a great time I explored my life.
The days we pulled through together,
were the best days for me to really know you.
It is unfair
If I ask God to bring you back,
If I ask God to switch place with you,
If I ask you to come back
and take me with you.
They threw the shirt into the store room.
They do not wish to see the shimmering blood stain.
But, until there's moon,
the blood won't shine again.
Through my eyes,
You have been so strong.
Through their eyes,
You are nowhere near wrong.
I am proud to see someone who still stands tall.
I am proud to pull you from the miserable fall.
I am proud to call you "My all"
The time will pass by,
It will stop and say "Hye!",
Just reminisce those pretty eyes,
and say "Bye, bye pretty eyes!"
To Aiman and Alyaa,
You are small,
but not little.
I'll help you crawl,
so you won't be belittled.
Together we face the world.
Though reality seems harsh.
There's no reason to depressingly swirl,
Standing tall and have pride is a must!
Just because this looks unfair,
It does not mean to retreat from joy!
Just because they will stare,
It does not mean we should play their toys!
Hang in there.
Because God is fair.
One day, the sunlight will fall down to the stairs!
One day, we will shout to the air...
That WE HAVE EACH OTHER TO CARE!!!