Monday, June 29, 2015

The price of loving you

(This is just a fictional note. None related to any living known)

Angry? No. Disappointed? Yes. I love you so much. I do. You are someone special to me. Sangat-sangat special. In fact, tak pernah ade orang yang sangat special macam kau. You spoke to me about self-control. Kawal itu, kawal ini. Banyak kali, kau remind aku.. jangan Za, jangan buat bende2 tu. Semua benda aku inform kau. Bukan niat nak buat kau jeolous, jauh sekali nak buat kau sakit hati. Cuma nak bagi tau betapa bangga nya aku dapat lawan bende2 ni semua Di. Kau bangga tak dengan aku? You should. 

As far as I am with you, not even once I doubt or have prejudice in you. I trustED you. I really did. Yes, memang benda kecik. Tak jumpa pun Za. Tak buat pun Za. Tak ada apa pun Za. Itu semua benda lama. Yes! Yes! Yes! Tapi benda-benda lama tu masa kita masih kawan kan? Or should I say our 'special' friendship?! Let me tell you something Di. It is not about buat ke atau tak buat. It is about TRUST! And it is about our PROMISES! Why Di? Why???

Aku ada buat salah ke Di? Kau dah bosan dengan aku ke Di? Kau dah tak sayang aku ke Di? I am sorry aku bukak phone kau. Originally, I wanted to look at our old pictures together (if you still have them). Mula-mula, aku tak jumpa pun gambar-gambar kita? Kau cakap kau simpan and selalu tengok time bosan and rindu aku. Tapi.... Aku sedih. Mungkin aku dah tak penting. Dah tak 'special' maybe. Takpe lah.. nak buat macam mana. Just so you know, gambar-gambar kau dan gambar-gambar kita lah yang jadi peneman aku kat sana. Bukan time bosan saje, tapi setiap masa. Why? Sebab aku rindu kau sangat-sangat Di. Aku sayang kau sangat-sangat Di.

Then aku gatal tangan nak baca whatsapp. Ye lah. Aku dah tak jadi 'Sayang' kau dah. So confrim la nama aku tak ada sayang. Tak apa. Aku faham. And aku dah terima dah semua tu. Kalau kau ingat, susah sangat aku nak terima, tapi aku telan jugak. Why? Sebab dah janji and hashtags: #I wanna grow old with you #Be still #Cinta sesungguhnya #How long will I love you. Sebab aku sayang. Sangat-sangat sayang. And I am okay dengan transition ni.

Tapi, as I scrolled down, I was surprised. Curious at first. Mesej2 kau. Trading pictures lagi. Nak jumpa lagi. Aku tersentak sekejap. Speechless. Time tu, aku kat depan. Banyak nye mesej2 mengarut tu. Ramai nye. Before aku berderai, aku terus masuk bilik. Panasnye tak ada kipas. Aku paksa pejam mata nak lupa sume bende yang aku tengok tadi. Tak jadi. Kau masuk bawak kipas. Kau tanya aku; "Nape ni Za..." Aku sedih la. Orang yang aku anggap sangat2 special...lagi special dari family sendiri sanggup buat macam tu.

Semalam, kau tanya kenapa aku senyap. Tak suka aku senyap. Aku senyap sebab aku nak control. Kalau aku cakap, aku takut aku tak dapat tahan and nangis. So, aku pun senyap. Mesti kau sakit hati. Tapi aku lagi sakit. Aku tak tau macam mana nak deal dengan bende ni. Dah lah susah aku nak terima tansition kau, ni bende baru pulak. Memang benda lama. Tapi waktu kita masih 'special' kan? Kan? Entahlah. Aku yang berlebih-lebih kot.

Ingat lagi tak time kite janji dulu? I placed a huge amount of trust in you Di. Aku sangat2 sayang kau. Aku jaga semua gerak-geri aku, walau jauh kat sana. Padahal, boleh je aku nak 'menyundal' (if that's the language you use). Tapi aku control. Aku kecewa. I am beyond disappointed in you. Again kau cakap, "Tak buat apa2 pun la Za". That is NOT the point. Mana kepercayaan yang aku letak dulu Di. Aku ingat kita sama-sama dalam bende ni. Now, aku rasa macam aku sorang2 je. 


Kenapa kau buat aku macam ni??? Kau tak pernah fikir pasal aku ke? Aku ni.. benda2 kecik
pun aku akan ingat kau. "Takpe ke buat ni, nanti Di tak suka". So, aku tak buat. Mungkin salah aku. Kau dah rimas dengan aku. Kau dah tak anggap aku special lagi. Takpe lah. Nak buat macam mana. Serious, aku ingat kau lain. Lain dari yang pernah aku jumpa. Tapi bila kau buat aku macam ni, aku sedih. Kau pun sama. Kau khianat aku! What about 'Sayang' kau? Kau tak fikir pasal dia ke? Benda yang dia kendong tu? Kau sanggup buat macam tu?

Ye, kecik je. Tak buat apa pun. Betul. Tapi dari benda 'kecik' tu lah yang aku buat jadi 'besar'. Ringan2? Sedih aku. Sedih sangat2. Tak pernah ke kau fikir selama ni, aku asyik mintak gambar2 kau. For what? Kalau aku mintak gambar orang lain? Will you be okay? I stick to you. Sbab aku TAKNAK orang lain!!! I just want YOU! Why can't you see that??? Aku sayang kau sangat2. If this is the price for loving you, aku terima. Besar sangat harga yang aku bayar.

Aku maafkan kau Di. Aku maafkan. Aku faham, susah nak kawal benda2 ni kan. Betul kan? Dulu aku cite kat kau betapa susah aku nak lawan bende2 ni. What did you say? "Ko boleh Za. Ko kene kuat. Ko kene lawan semua tu.." One way of fighting bende2 ni is... tak mesej sape2. I learned my lesson. Dari mesej2 pergi ke romantik2. Dari situ pergi ke tukar2 gambar. Dari gambar biasa nak gambar yang luar biasa. Dari situ ajak jumpa. Dah jumpa? Entah la, do the math. 

Aku nak kau tau yang kau sangat special dalam hidup aku. Kau pun kenal aku. Betapa susah nya aku nak percaya orang. Aku percaya kat kau! Aku sayang kau! Kau pun tau aku sayang kau! Ya Allah, berat nya kepala aku. Aku rasa kau akan anggap aku special bila aku dah takde kot. Kau akan ingat aku bila aku dah takde kot. Mungkin aku perlu 'takde' baru kau nak sayang aku. Sedihnya.

Kau nak aku yang dulu? How? Tell me how? Aku nak sangat2 macam dulu. Aku happy sangat2 dapat jumpa kau. Seminggu tak jumpa pun aku dah rasa lama sangat. Ni pulak berbulan-bulan. Aku bahagia sangat2 dapat pegang tangan kau, dapat tengok muka kau. Dapat pegang pipi kau, bibir kau, hidung kau, kening kau, rambut kau. Tuhan je tau betapa happy nye aku. Thank you sangat2 bagi aku peluang jumpa kau. Aku cuba nak buat benda2 yang pernah kita buat dulu. Tapi, adakah masih sama perasaan tu?

Aku sayang kau sangat2. Dulu bila kau decide nak bina hidup baru, aku lah orang yang paling lambat nak boleh terima kenyataan tu. Sebulan aku ambil masa baru dapat kekuatan tengok gambar2 'baru' kau. Aku sedih and happy jugak. Sekali lagi bila ade 'orang baru' nak datang dalam hidup kau, aku orang yang paling lambat dapat terima. Aku rasa kau akan makin jauh. Masa yang ada untuk aku dengan kau makin lama makin sikit. Aku sedih. Tapi aku telan semua tu.


Aku rasa aku tak buat kau happy. Sebab tu berkali-kali aku mintak kau lepaskan aku. Tapi kau tak nak. Kau cakap aku special. Kau cakap kau sayang aku. Kau cakap kau tak boleh hidup takde aku. Kau cakap kau tak boleh. Aku terima semua tu. Aku sayang kau sangat2. Jujurnya Di, berapa 'Sayang' kau ada? Satu? Dua? Tiga? Sepuluh? Sape aku Di?

Please. Answer me honestly. Please... aku merayu kau untuk sayang aku sampai bila2. Kau kata nak tua sama2. Kau kata nak aku jaga kau bila sakit. Kau kata nak sama2 share anak2. Kau kata family aku family ko jgk. Semua kau yang kata. Kau yang janji. Kau yang cakap kat aku. Kau yang nasihat aku. Kau yang tegur aku. Tapi bila kau yang buat? You broke my heart in pieces when you broke our promises.

Kau masih sayang aku ke? Kalau betul, aku merayu sangat2 kau tak buat dah bende2 tu. Aku merayu sangat2. And, kalau kau sayang aku, aku merayu sangat2 kau spend masa sementara aku ada kat sini. Aku tau kau ade komitmen, tapi aku tak lama kat sini. Boleh ke lagi jumpa next time? Aku tak tau. Please. Sampai 25 July ni je. Aku tau besar permintaan aku ni. Tapi, aku nak sangat2 spend masa dengan kau puas2. Entahlah.

I love you. I still love you. You are so special. The most special.
Thank you for everything.

Monday, June 22, 2015

One day I'll fly away...


One Day I'll Fly Away
Moulin Rouge Sound Track


I follow the night

Can't stand the light

When will I begin to live again



One day I'll fly away

Leave all this to yesterday

What more could your love do for me

When will love be through with me

Why live life from dream to dream

And dread the day when dreaming ends



One day I'll fly away

Leave all this to yesterday

Why live life from dream to dream

And dread the day when dreaming ends



One day I'll fly away

Fly fly away...

Sunday, June 21, 2015

5 things in my bucket list for you

Let's create memories :(
1. To shower together.

2. To travel together OR go somewhere memorable OR spend the most memorable vacation together on one weekend OR buy each other something memorable.

3. To hold hands, hug, kiss a lot, wear same outfits and do things together while I'm around.

4. To get at least a kiss on the forehead, look me in the eyes and say "I love you" as often as you can, whenever you get the chance.

5. To say goodbye without crying.

Duration: 29 June - 24 July

Laughter is a universal language! ^^

What is a universal language? A universal language is a language where everyone can comprehend. Intelligible. LOL. Linguistically, it is believed that English is one of the universal languages today. Let us not talk about linguistic. Let us talk about other 'language'. A lot of people say that music is a universal language. Perhaps. What about laughter? I believe that laughter is indeed a universal language. You do not have to be a genius to laugh. It is free and CONTAGIOUS! Oh boy, watch this skype laugh chain. I cannot stop laughing now.  

Heyok heyok heyok ^^



I am blind...

One day, a blind boy was sitting on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He was trying to gain some coins for the day. He held up a sign which said: 

"I am blind, please help."  

There were only a few coins in the hat as people walked by.

Then, there was a man walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon, the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked; "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The man said; "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."
What he had written was: 

"It's a beautiful day and I can't see it."

................................................................... 

It is so beautiful to put a smile on someone's face and knowing that you are the reason behind it...

Adapted from a story told by Thomas M. Jones

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Ramadhan Kareem, time to reflect.

I was fascinated with a post on Facebook. If it had not been up on my wall, I would not have noticed it. It is the first day of Ramadhan. Ramadhan Kareem to all muslims! Yeay. 

The post is about a non-muslim trying to feel what fasting is like for muslims. He tried to fast for four days and he could not do it anymore. Anyway, he did learn some great lessons from his noble effort. First, he was awaken by this sense of empathy. He felt that he has had so much luxuries in his life where other people (the poor and needy) do not have any. Second, he learned to control his desire to spend as he reflected on the first lesson. What have I learned? :(

Let me reflect on my practice as a Malay muslim living in Malaysia. I remember that Ramadhan has always been the 'awaited' month of the year. It is the time for people to see all kinds of food and dishes. It is highly tempting. The 'Bazaar Ramadhan' really tests our faith. Oh my, oh my. The aroma. The smell of food. The beautifully presented dishes. The colorful drinks. (Gulp). As you stroll around the bazaar hungrily, you tend to have plans on what to have for dinner. Most of the time, I tend to overspend. I normally buy this and that. I stop at every stall and buy things. What is going inside my small tank of brain? "Oh, I should have this...maybe after Isya'... or after Tarawikh... or this can go for later...or for Sahur". Reality check? Naah. I am already full. Throw them away. The remaining goes to waste. If they are not, they are already stale or inedible to consume. Down to the bin. Such a waste.

Here we are, on this holy month; Ramadhan. As it begins for practicing muslims, most deem this month as being a month of fasting from dawn to sunset without water or food. Dear all, it is not a hunger strike. Well, there is more to Ramadhan as it is a month for us to reflect on our life, our deeds and the hardship people go through especially the needy. It calls for self-awareness deep in our hearts. The stereotype goal of Ramadhan by most muslims is to burn as much calories as possible. LOL. Well, for once if it would help, people should aim at burning their ego, pride and sins. It is time to reflect and give more to others. Muslims keep on preaching those but sadly, very few (in my retrospect) walk the talk. Yes, that includes me. :(


Now, let us reset.. No! I should reset. This year, I aim not to overspend and only go for

what I need. I aim to give more and not complain much. I aim to not skip my tarawikh. I aim to speak of good things to people. I aim to control my lust, my eyes, my ears and my body from doing negative things. O Allah, may You give me strength to go through this month blissfully, ameen.

Dear all, may this Ramadhan be our brightest. Let us pray that this month will bring us the utmost in peace and prosperity. Ramadhan Kareem, Ramadhan Mubarak peeps!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Every day I love you


"Every Day I Love You"

 Boyzone

I don't know, but I believe
That some things are meant to be
And that you'll make a better me
Everyday I love you
I never thought that dreams came true
But you showed me that they do
You know that I learn something new
Everyday I love you

'Cos I believe that destiny
Is out of our control (don't you know that I do)
And you'll never live until you love
With all your heart and soul.

It's a touch when I feel bad
It's a smile when I get mad
All the little things I am
Everyday I love you

Everyday I love you more
Everyday I love you

'Cos I believe that destiny
Is out of our control (don't you know that I do)
And you'll never live until you love
With all your heart and soul

If I asked would you say yes?
Together we're the very best
I know that I am truly blessed
Everyday I love you
And I'll give you my best
Everyday I love you