Sunday, December 10, 2017

Stormy days to come

Pheww... these few feeks have really taken a huge toll on me. I am drained! To death.

An unofficial news came in just today. Found out the Dean had a meeting with my soon-to-be Director. Also attended the meeting was the Deputy Dean.

They had a discussion on who should the department send for PhD next. Boy, according to the projection meeting last September, my turn would be (the soonest: early 2019). Now, the person who deserves to go next (2018) had a feud with...almost everyone. Why K, Why?!

They were questioning whether or not that guy has such commitment to pursue this course. Judging by his late 'unwelcoming' acts, they were not so convinced. The Dean said; if N is ready, we should send him first! Digging up the past, the Dean said; K did not even complete his MA on time last time!

Oh boy. This is bad. This is really bad!
1. I literally have no proposal prepared! Heck I don't even know what to pursue in... ASSessment? My ass!

2. If you skipped his turn (crossing my fingers they would never do that to him), it will DEFINITELY cause a huge fight, if not an unspoken feud between him and myself! It's not fair and I think he really wanted to go first. Turn-wise, it is his turn anyway. I CAN wait!

3. I need to settle things with my own family. With a baby on board, PhD sounds glitchy at the moment. Plus, I need to wait for my wife to at least finish her labwork! My poor baby... being left too soon..when you're just two months old :(

I hope they will not create a platform for dramatic competition between us two. Sok sek sok sek, to make it fair (their words), let's judge them based on their proposals. @#$%^& URGH! I don't have any..YET!

Alas, I'm hoping for a better sunny day soon. I really hope he would get the turn he deserves. And mine right after that. Woohoo...

Regret

Regret...

Meeting you for the first time is never a regret for me. Meeting you is by far one of the happiest turnouts events in my life. You are a kind person. A good friend indeed.

What I regret the most is... after many years of knowing US, one of us has changed. You used to back me up whenever I fall. You pushed me back up when I fell on the ground. You were my strength. Now, you've changed. You'd rather choose and back other people up. You chose to listen to others than what I had to say.

My fault. But I deserve this. WE deserve this! Let's just put an end to this. I loved you. I missed you so much. But what did I ever do to deserve this undeserving treatment you gave me? Why did u back him up? You knew nothing. You didn't know the story. You didn't know what happened. You SUCK!

Good luck with your life.

p/s - Had I known you were coming back to your hometown that day, I'd never come. I'm sorry I came unannounced. I just wanted to visit your family (whom I always think as my own family). That was darn awkward. I wish I could've avoided you but that was hard. Good to see you're happy though. Good for you.

Friday, August 11, 2017

a broken glass.

Pain changes people.It makes them trust less and shut people out.

Dear D,

You must be wondering why I have been ignoring you these few weeks?! (At least, that's what I thought). It's ok if the answer is no. I get it. You live your own life. Others won't matter. Myself included.

Sebabnye, if you can ignore me, why can't I? Tp at one point aku x tergamak actually. The reason? Ok. Last we texted, what was it about? I did say something. And as usual ko ignore... many many days. TAPI, apa yg aku perasan.. ko boleh pulak respond to ur fb friends.. replying them?! (Don't worry, in case if u wish to argue, I did save some screenshots). Kat sini pun dah nampak mcm mana ko layan aku.

Another reason. The same reason actually. You ignored me. Bukan sekali, bukan dua kali. Berkali-kali. Sometimes bile ko x ignore, ko skip. I never forget buddy! I remember all the details. Sadly, I think I deserve more than this. I deserve to be treated nicer. Why? I sacrificed a lot for you. Biarlah, aku nak ungkit jugak. While I was away... faaaar from you, I was presented with many occasions in which senang saja aku nk makan luar. Having fun, going out with random people. Sangat senang. Did I go for it? NO. Why? Sbb aku ingat OUR PROMISES!!! And I stick to those. Tapi sedihnya, ko kat sini...what did you do? Ask yourself.

Lagi reason nya. Aku memang kecik hati dgn ko. U promised to go to KL and celebrate your bday together. I even made plans. I could've left UMP early to your place. Tapi bile tau ko dah pun ada plan nk ke sana...n u even went to pavi with them. AKu sgt2 sedih la and I felt so heartbroken. Even when I was sad pun, can u at least wait n go with me instead? Tapi tak.

Another reason. Again, you ignored me. Hina sangat ke aku mintak itu sume dgn ko??? Jijik sangat ke aku ni? You kept giving excuses. Kenapa the same time last year boleh, kenapa tahun ni x boleh? Did I go and see someone? Tak! Did I ask from someone else? Tak? I asked only from you coz I thought u were special. Tapi... u chose to ignore.

Another reason. Ko janji nk hantar video or pics of ur kid on a regular basis. Tapi mana??? Aku ok ke tak, a promise is a promise!!! Ntahla, everyday, ko makin bagi aku reasons to leave. Takpelah... aku rasa lebih baik mcm ni since ko pun dah xde komitment to this relationship. Takpelah maybe ko dah ade org lain. Maybe ko dah pun eat out. Knowing u lah, u tend to do those stuff.

I purposely installed bnda2 bodoh tu just to piss u off. Sedihnya... sekejap je.. after dua hari dah uninstall. Why? Aku bosan. Sume fake dlm tu. I did save some screenshots of how many pervs yg hantar msg. Did I reply? No. Did I share my pics with a 'blanket'? NO. Why? Aku still pegang janji aku (walaupun dua hari tu I did feel guilty).

Memang aku sedih la. Tapi marah mcm mana pun aku, sedih macam mana pun aku. Aku still amek tau. No matter aku nk let go mcm mana pun, aku x dpt stop dari amek tau pasal ko. Not from you, but from ur family. Dapat tau ko sihat, happy from ur mom sgt la buat aku lega. Sbb aku tau kalau aku contact ko, ko akan ckp ko sdih la itu la ini la. Bullshit. Everything is ok.

Terdetik jgk aku nk pegi spend masa dgn ko kt sana. Last week, asal2 aku nk ke sana. Tp x jadi. Aku fikir, kenapa aku yg nk kene beria pegi sana. Kenapa aku yg selalu kene pegi sana? Kenapa bila dh kene layan mcm sampah mcm org bodoh ni, still nk ke sana?! Why? So I went to Jengka instead. Did u ask ur friend what happen? kalau kita masih kawan, aku dah mengadu kt ko apa jadi malam tu. Tapi xpelah. Sekarang aku simpan sorang2 je.

Aku keluar ump pun sorang2 je, xde pun nk farewell. Aku masuk umt sorang2 je xde pun nk harap ko datang sini at least jumpa aku sekali. Kalau betul la aku yang jahat d, kenapa tak masa aku kt oz lagi aku dh let go atau buat ape yg ko x suka???? Aku kt sini je kot. Kenapa sekarang? Why now? Sebab aku dah x tahan dgn cara ko layan aku. Ye bagi ko kecik saje punca nya. It's commitment. If you cared at least, you would give me what I ask everytime I ask for it. Why? Sebab aku xde org lain. Aku x dikelilingi kwn2 mcm ko. Why can't u see how lonely I am?! Why can't u see kenapa aku perlu sume tu? Tapi ko tak... u chose to ignore jugak.

Aku dah cakap d. Sekali dua ko buat aku mc ni, aku boleh lagi sabar. Ni dh bnyk kali ko buat and aku dah x bole dah. Aku sedih n tawar hati sangat2. Ye ko memang busy. I get it. Tapi boleh je bagi bila ko x busy. Kenapa org lain lagi penting ke? U cannot even spend masa dgn aku dah ke? Ko dah x bole bagi itu ini kt aku dah ke? Tapi... sepanjang aku online aku tgk ko bole je respond kt org lain...cume aku je ko x bole respond. So fikirlah sendiri apa aku rasa. I have eyes, I have brain. I can think la.

Tapi kecik hati ke marah ke aku still jaga. Aku xde pun nk post aku pegi spend masa dgn adik bradik kita yg lain. Ada je aku ke sana. Tapi ko... ntah la. Aku rasa mmg dah xde meaning pun kita ni. Sbb tu la aku mintak kita let go. Makin hari ko makin buat aku sedih. Bukan nye ko nk respon or at least justify the situation. Ko ignore. Ko skip. Pastu ko pretend mcm xde ape jadi. Baguslah.

Aku tau ko happy sebenarnya aku nk keluar dari hidup ko. Sbb ko dah ada ramai kwn2. Tapi aku dah. i keep my circle of friends small je. Kalau aku dah sayang, aku akan sayang yg tu je. Tapi kalau dah tawar hati, nk buat mcm mana.

Last skali, aku nk mintak maaf sume skali salah aku. Again, kalau ko rasa benda yg aku mintak tu x penting, maknanya ko masih x kenal aku. Aku rasa ko x pnah peduli pun sbnarnya. Ade ko amek tau? All u care is u, u n u. Tu belum masuk lagi pasal family. Tapi xpe lah. Nk harap call memang xlah. Ye lah busykan. Busy melayan org lain. So aku sedar la sape aku. Cermin kalau dh pecah xbole nk elok balik. Aku x rasa kita akan ok. Aku x rasa kita akan jumpa lagi dah lepas ni. Aku selesa hidup sorang2 mcm ni. Aku nk jadi mcm dulu balik. All my trust is gone after I met u. Ko pun sama je mcm org lain. Cakap je lebih, janji je lebih. Last2, ignore je.

Good luck anyway. Lepas ni pls jgn lyn org lain mcm ko layan aku. If u care for someone, ur action will show. If u love someone, fight n dont give excuses. Aku rasa aku layak buat mcm ni bila fikir balik apa yg ko dah buat kt aku slama ni. Ye ko memang baik. Sume org nampak ko baik. Yg jahat sume aku. At least aku bgtau kt ko aku install benda tu. Xpelah. Biarlah ko yg aku kenal aku sorang je tau. Ape2 pasal ko sume aku cakap baik2. Sbb ko mmg baik.

Keep ignoring me. Thank you for making me this way.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

of kunji and booby.

Di, if I treated you the way you treated me, you'd hate me.

This is s story of an ugly horse and a Pegasus.

One day, an ugly horse named Kunji with its four-beat walking of a two-beat pace came into a shed. There, he noticed other typical boring members of equidae. Suddenly, a divine stallion came in! "Wow, a pegasus!", Kunji kept to himself. That was the first time he saw a legendary creature sent from above.

The pegasus; Booby was a remarkably stunning creature. Kunji would've thought Booby had some kind of potion to make a lot, if not most equus groupies to love him. Himself included. Kunji made his first move. Awkward it was at the beginning. It took him weeks and months to finally pulled his guts together and confessed.

He asked if Booby was free to join him for a cuppa. Beautiful yet bumpy ride with awkward silence all the way through Jengka 'landfill' and Temerloh. Definitely not a best move he could have sleeved off. Owh, Booby did not say yes at the prompt tough. What a bummer.

One fine night, Booby dropped by and had a sleepover. What's next to come? They shared their first kiss. Wow. Awkwardly magical. That marked the beginning of a serious relationship, if not friendship between Kunji and Booby. It was special. It was magical. It was pure. They even went to a magical island together. They did nothing most of the time but those 'nothing' moments were meaningful.

Their flight of happiness did not seem to last. There's always ups and downs. Light and brutal storms hit them all the time. But they survived, even after being struck by Zeus' lightning.

It was just a momentary love story. Like any other love stories, theirs also ended in tragedy. Trust. Infidelity. Unrequited. Under-demeciated. Kunji should have known from the beginning of his place. How can a pegasus fall in love with a shady horse like him?! Letting go is the best way for them in the end.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

I miss us

How are you? How have you been? I bet you must be really happy now. Good for you.

Is this working for you? If it does, good for you. I wish I could say the same in my case but I couldn't.

Sometimes I wish you'd call.
Sometimes a call from you is what it takes to hold me.

Sometimes I wish you'd send me photos and stuff.
As those will only be your guarantee for a special me.

Most of the time, I long for your warm touch.
Kisses work wonders eh.

Past is past. It's time to move on.
Lingering on the past...
sometimes it's soothing
at times, it's hard to dispel the gloom.

I miss you US. I do.