Monday, March 31, 2014

I am white

I am white. What are you?
Lol. I just randomly took this weird personality test. It seems that my true color is WHITE. Anyway, this is what WHITE represents: 
You are a dreamer, good friend, and a person who strives to do the right thing for the greater good. Some of your friends might think you are a little conventional, but they love you because they know you are considerate of their feelings. You don't mind spending vacation days around the house, but you might venture out as far as the local park.
(Sigh). I'm not quite sure about that.. perhaps some of my friends have a better explanation. Oh well, I'll ask some tomorrow then.
 Till then, toodles :)

With love, I return your love.

I love you, my special friend :)
I don't think words are enough to describe how special you are to me. Last night, you asked me; "Ape bukti kau sayang aku?". I was speechless. I think the evidences are clear. You can see it everyday. 
Anyway, 10 things to ponder:

1) If I don't love you, don't you think it's a waste of time to secure a space for you in my heart?
2) Though you don't know this, it's not an infatuation. It's been more than two years kot!
3) What about my sacrifice? I have finally set my heart at ease watching you and him together. I am okay with it. In fact, I feel happy when you are happy with him. "The biggest sacrifice you can make is letting your loved one happy even if it's not with you." There, see how special you are?!
4) My kisses. I don't kiss randomly. My kisses are special.
5) What about my trust? That is priceless. I don't trust people easily but I trust you. Please don't break my trust.
6) Time. I respect your time off. When you spend time with him, have I ever texted or called you? I don't want to trouble you.
7) Do you think it's easy for me to look in your eyes and say "I love you"? No! But I did. 
8) My confession. It was gutsy of me confessing though I was ready for rejection that night. It was again, honest.
9) I feel sad when you're sad. I feel glad when you're glad.
10) I feel so happy and excited whenever you text me, or call me..even for a short while.

I hope we are clear that you are indeed special to me. Just let me have you as my special friend and let me love you from afar ye. It makes me happy. Aku rase happy tengok kau happy dari jauh. It's okay :) That's how special you are to me. Huhu. 

How I feel at the moment? Let me see. I miss your kisses. I miss your hugs. On top of all, I miss you. Here's something for you. 

It has meant so much
Having you as a friend
You will always be a part of me
InsyaAllah, until the end

When times are tough
You are always there
It has brightened my world
Just knowing that you care

You make me feel the love
I have inside
You are a friend,
A special one indeed

Since we met
Our friendship has grown
While you're in the world
I will never be alone

I feel blessed to have met
Someone like you
And to have found a friendship
So special and true

Credit to Crystal A. Dedes. Thanks a bunch :)

P/s – My special one,

Let me just say this to you,
Our friendship is very dear and special.
So please, no matter what happens between us,
Don’t let our friendship turn to dust.
Or I will without a doubt fall apart,
With the pieces of my broken heart.

I know I'm not that special to you and maybe one day, you'll miss me when I'm gone :)

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Be Still (My Special Friend)

My special friend,

Thank you for letting me walk into your life. Thank you for the special feeling you gave me, even for a while. I'm happy that I met you. I'm happy to know such a great person like you. I thank Allah for giving me the opportunity to be your friend. 

Do you still remember the first song I dedicated to you? I bet you don't remember anymore. In case you forget, it's called; "When I'm With You" by Faber Drive. I know the lyrics are not quite what I wanted to express that time but I really meant what I dedicated ye. 

Anyway, thanks for singing that song "Cinta Sesungguhnya" by Sabhi Sadhi just now. It's very sweet of you to have recorded and sent me the voice message. I'm touched. Yes. Thank you. The last time someone ever sang me a song was two or three years ago. Oh well. Memories. :(

This is another song dedication to you. It is how I feel at the moment. Thanks for everything. I don't know if ever I had the chance to sing or dedicate more songs to you in the future my dear. I feel EMPTY now. Just promise me to not give the songs I gave you to someone else. That's all I ask.

Be Still ~ The Fray

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know


When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name


If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know


And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still


If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am


Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am 

That's all for now. Toodles.

Monday, March 24, 2014

My Special Friend Part 2 :-)


Gosht, this fever is driving me nuts. Ya Allah, sembuhkanlah demam ni. It's invigilating week :( Anyway, this is just the continuation of my previous post "My Special Friend Part 1". Despite the things you covered, I understand. I understand the lies. Sometimes I forget where my stool is. I thought I was tall to face it all. I was wrong. Above all, you are still my special friend. Thanks for clearing the air just now. Thanks for everything. Thanks for the hugs and kisses.

Wanna see how special you are to me? Thanks to Angie Flores for such a lovely poem. I dedicate this to you my special friend. 

I Will Be Here For You...
When you're sad and depressed,
I will be here to put a smile on your face.

When you're angry and frustrated,
I will be here to calm you down.

When you're hurt and in tears,
I will be here to wipe them away and mend the pain.

When you're lonely and have no one,
I will be here to comfort you.

When you're feeling unloved and unwanted,
I will be here to tell you how very important you are.

When you're having a bad day and need to lash out,
I will be here to let you let off steam, you can yell at me.

When there is something on your mind that you need to say,
I will be here to listen and understand.

When you're lost in confusion,
I will be here to help you figure things out.

When you feel like you're going crazy,
I will be here to bring you back to sanity.

When you are so overwhelmed and need to get away,
I will be here with open arms so we can run away together.

When you're scared and frightened,
I will be here to protect you and make you feel safe.

When you are full of worries,
I will be here to worry with you.

That's how special you are to me,
Today, tomorrow and forever!

Ok, bye.

Appreciation of a single heart :-)

Thanks to all :)

Hmm... I feel like I haven't thanked people in front of Mr. Bloggy yet. Oh wait. I did. Long time ago. Ages ago. Nevermind, it's a repost then.

Thank you

Thanks to those who hated me.

You made me stronger.

Thanks to those who loved me.

You made my heart go fonder.

Thanks to those who cared.

You made me feel important.

Thanks to those who entered my life.

You made who I am today.

Thanks to those who left.

You showed me that nothing last forever.

Thanks to those who stayed.

You showed me true friendship.

Thanks to those who listened.

You made me like I was worth it.

Thank you.

Dear haters

Hye there, how are you? I miss you.

Okay, nak explain sikit why I keep on writing about me and my feelings in my blog (sebab ade orang cakap; 

"Poyo la", "Jiwang la", "Macam haram", "Tak rasa bodoh ke", "Stupid", "Bodoh", "Macam bagus je", "Bla, bla, bla").  

Number one. Freedom of expression. It's a free country. I am a free guy. It's my blog anyway. :-)

Number two. Nak bagi quote je la. Here it goes:

A simple quote from Joss Whedon~

So, that's all. Maybe I am not as outspoken as you are in real life. Maybe I don't have the guts to say things directly to your face. I am timid. Yes. Aku penakut. If ever I did any wrong to you, I'm sorry. 

Peace and toodles y'all :)

My Special Friend Part 1 :-)

"Whether it's a friendship or relationship, all bonds are built on trust. Without it, you have nothing."
Let me tell you a story. There was once a boy. He used to be happy, cute and cuddly. He used to open up to people. He used to trust everyone. He was a positive boy. Cheerful. Once. Over the years, he lost his faith in people. Why? This world is filled with pretenders, plastic people, liars and deceivers. All fake. It's true after all when they say; "Once you've been hurt, you're so scared to get attached again. You have this fear that everyone you like is going to break your heart". Everybody has motives in life. Mine is to seek for REAL friendship. A real bond without LIES. A connection where you feel free to share things. A spot where you can cry when you are sad and laugh together when you are happy. A true friendship when we can tell each other anything and everything. No secrets, no lies, without pretense. What's yours?

That boy has gone through a lot. Lie after lie. Faker after faker. Pretender after pretender. Plastic. He used to feel down, even lower than the ground. Lower. But he moved on. The word "trust" seems farfetched in his dictionary. He built a wall. Tall and thick. The door is almost shut for people to enter. Very few people got through the door. Only if he feels secured that he let people in. Until then, there's no way you could enter the door. 

Dear special friend whom I treat you so special,

You see, when I let you in, it means I believe in you. When I believe in you, I trust you. Seriously, I understand that you have commitment(s). You have so many things to get a grip on. You have so many hearts to tender for. And I'm one of them. The thing is, I don't mind. I only wish you to be true to yourself and be REAL to me. Have I lied to you? Maybe my smile did/does. I smile to hide my feelings. I smile because I want you to be happy my friend. 

Oh, don't worry. You are still special to me. The things we shared. The laughter. The hugs. The kisses. All cherished. No worries. Stop lying to me. What hurts me the most is when you look into my eyes and lie straight to my face. No guilt. Keep smiling dear. Remember, one day you will feel how I felt/feel. I believe God is fair.

Remember that day I asked you to be honest with me? And you promised me that one thing. Sort of. But you lied, again. Please. No more lies. I'm a grown up. You are my friend. A special one indeed. I can take it. I understand. Aku faham lah. Seriously. Why? Aku tak jealous pun. Why should I? You are not even mine pun! When you lie, you lost a bit of trust in me. Bit by bit. And for what you know, the feeling's gone. Takpe. It's ok. I'm used to those crap. Dah biasa. Cumanya, I just hope....sikit je... please don't lie if you see me as a friend. Right now, sorry to say, you don't see me as a friend. Not even a person. I am nothing but an option or worse, just a toy.

Again, it's ok. Dah biasa. I'm ok with how you treat me. Maybe this is another ujian for me. A test to see whether I am weak. But my dear friend, I will try my best to discover my strengths and go through this test. Alhamdulillah. I wish to say it's karma. But no! It's called kaffarah. What you give, you'll get it back. Allah is fair.

One thing you taught me; "Berperasaan biar berpada-pada". Very true. Wanna know why? We should not depend too much on anyone in this world because even our own shadow leaves us when we are in darkness!

Here's a poem to ponder:

I thought you were special and different
But really,
You’re just like everyone else.
Don’t you have any sense of compassion or guilt?
Anything at all?
I don’t know how you can sleep at night
Knowing who you really are.
You keep acting happier than before
And I can’t take it any more.
Thank you my special friend
For all beautiful lies you gave me.

p/s to my special friend - Whenever you're having a bad day, remember this: I love you. There is always someone who cares for you without your knowledge and that someone is me. Kawan itu ibarat belon. Kalau dilepaskan, tak mungkin dapat cari balik. So, that's why I'm tying you to my heart so I won't lose you. That's the VALUE of my friendship! Itu nilai seorang sahabat buatku!

"Teman sejati diibaratkan seperti permata; berharga dan jarang dijumpai.
Teman palsu diibaratkan seperti daun; kat merata tempat ada."

I miss you... :(

If only I could turn back the hands of time...

When I was a little boy, I loved to sit on my grandfather (Tok Bob)'s lap and watch TV. Sometimes he would point out things in real world; deaths, wars, car accidents, politics and what not. For instance; the talking cat. 

"Isy isy isy, mane ade kucing boleh bercakap...that's nonsense.."

My mama
passed away when I was very young. Tok Bob took over the role since then.

Whenever I asked: "Mama gi mane Tok Bob?", he would sit down and make up stories about it. Mostly, it was about some angels inviting my mum for a visit... Yeah, something like that. Sometimes, we held our moments by flipping pages from the old picture albums.

I was concerned, of course. The idea of death is definitely a big thing for a 9-year-old to get a handle on. I did love the way he made up bunch of stories so I would not be sad. I still do though.

One day, I asked one of my teachers at school (Puan Zabedah) about what happened to people like Mama. I was in standard 3; 3 Bestari, formerly known as 3 Biru, SKSO.

She explained. When a person dies, only the body dies. Another part; called the spirit survives. We do not know that for sure. But if we believe something deep inside even though we cannot prove it, that is called FAITH. She sort of made me believe that Mama is still around though.

Yup, I have to admit that she was amazing and that thought lasted for the whole year. ;p

Abah told me that people who are not with us at the moment...sort of hang around with us for as long as we remember them. He always reminds everyone in the family to remember Mama all the time.

See, I have quite an overflowing ideas of death when I was young. It's the memory which keeps me company most of the time. Creepy? Nope. It's called sanity.

Living with quite a number of unexpected deaths around makes me...somberly depressed at times. I hate looking at how people react towards me. I hate the saying; "Kesiannye, kecik-kecik dah takde mak..." I hate that. I don't need their pity. Honestly...because I had Tok Bob back then!

Today, Tok Bob is no longer around. I cannot hear his animated voices anymore. I cannot hear his shouting; "Faez, Mad, Haikal..Mari makan!" I cannot feel the warmth he used to spread around the house anymore. I cannot taste the secret fish curry recipe anymore. I have nobody who would share his life experience and to tell me a story or two anymore. Above all, I have nobody who would make up stories and jokes about death anymore...because he, too, had left me forever.

2010 – 2014. The passing of some family members. May Allah bless us all and ease the burden of our loved ones. The list goes on… (I wonder when my turn is). Al-Fatihah to Mok Su, Mummy (Julia Fardilla), Pok Long, Tok and Tokki.

I miss them all but the person I deeply miss at the moment is Tok Bob. I miss him a lot. Aku rindu sangat-sangat kat arwah Tok Bob. At this point, I really can't afford of losing someone very special. Why? Because I am not good in making up stories to those who may ask afterwards...

- To those who have lost their special ones, please remember them. The memory is sweet and needs to be passed long as we live. It's how we make them live around us.


Al-Fatihah to those we lost and we dearly love.