Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Wrong timing

Wrong timing

Loads of assignments + Thesis (AE) + Quizzes + Creative Project + LP Presentation + Write-ups + Bad weather + Hot, Dry and Steamy Day + Restless + Less energy + Sleeping disorder + Irrelevant fights 
 Bad judgment + Hard headed me + Mood spoiler + Vocal oppression + Bye bye to whatever unnecessary things in life.



Monday, March 22, 2010

Reset the button.

My button has been pushed. I once thought I am a limitless person and I opt to challenge my limit. I was wrong. There's a limit in everything. Why do I get the feeling that I am a useless piece of crap??? Maybe I am. I am sorry for the way I behave. It is immature. Yet I claim myself as a not-so-childish boy. How ridiculous. The greatest mistake is when I put expectation. I should have not put any if I want to be happy. Am I happy? I don't think so. Are you happy? I don't think so. I was happy...but not anymore. How to mend a broken heart? They say; "time heals everything..." Yeah right. I guess, I really need to stop staring at the glimpse and glance...JUST GO. My life is too short for such misery I think. Why can't I be happy like others? Why can't I feel content of having you by my side? Why? There is something wrong. Is there any barrier set up in between? I don't know.

I just want you to be happy, even with the absence of my heart in your life. I know you can pull through. Now, it is the time for you to get up and chase your freedom. There will be no one stopping you from what you crave. Go on. Be happy. I can't be happy seeing you in such desolation. I love you, I do. But I can't do this anymore. I need a break. From everything.

Thank you for every single memory and thought you gave me. You are the best. Indeed you are. I am very pleased to have you, stopping by...even just for a while. I will remember you for...quite a long time, I guess. The feelings won't go away in an instance. It will remain there. Time will make it fade. Again, be happy and enjoy your life ok.

Love, sincerely yours,

N 2 N

Sunday, March 21, 2010


Darn, darn, darn...

I wish I could redeem all those wasted days and nights...

There's not enough time...

I need some sort of motivation....

Busy, busy, busy...

Why are you here (assignments).

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Weekend's drama

Sangat x bole blah.......................

What were we doing? Why were we doing those again? Remind me of that....

Felt so awkward and restless. Now it's just awkward. A bit challenged.

One great lesson I have learned today...Crying is tiring. T__________T

Xnak buat dah keje gile... I thought I have grown up...turns out...I am the most childish boy...sampai nangis2.... Hahahahahaha...how stupid that is.

I wonder...why in the first place???? No worries...all on me...

Ok, now I am shy... I am crazy, am I?!...I am fragile, am I?! Dumb dumb dumb......

You are the best.......WOW! Nobody makes me cry for ages...well, as you can see...I am not the type of guy who would easily shed a tear...but today....T______T

Damn, yet I thought I am strong! I see myself as a strong boy....rupe-rupenye... Fragile.

Handle me with care, please.


Goodbye. ;p

Love is a losing game.

Yes peeps.

To love is to lose.

Yet, I declared myself as a winner of this losing game.

So, where does that leave me?

and now, I guess....love is gone already.

I can't say I am happy...coz that contradicts my feeling for (I know who).

I just want to say sorry. Sorry for disappointing you. Sorry for not being there when you need me the most. Sorry I'm bad. Sorry for everything.

One thing I am not sorry about is....being with you.

I'll treasure those moments...coz I sincerely love you.

Weird when I have those beautiful pictures of a perfect family with you...but I seem to distant myself. Awkward. Stupid.

Admitting my mistake. Yes. My ego was too huge. I guess, it's too late now. I just realized that. How much I affected you...sorry.

If I could turn back the hands of time, I'd hug you and kiss your lips...adoring your moles...and say.."I love you.."

Shy? Discreet? Perhaps. I don't need to tell you those three words. You should know that by heart. And I don't need you to say those too...coz I know...somewhere in your heart..you do love me.

and I am thanking you for that. Call me a bitch for not being grateful...yeah, I am a bitch...I admit that.

I guess...I am a sucka for love...and a loser actually.

I love you.

If this means goodbye..then, I accept it...as it is my ignorance for not looking at you in the eyes.

I am sorry for everything.

Thank you for the sweet memories...I enjoyed every minute of it. You perfected me in many ways. It's hard to get such pearl like you...but I lost it along the way...

Yup, I am stupid indeed. Why? Why? Why? Maybe I am too crazy for you... You are such a goddess. I love your "childish" (but I like to call it as a baby-like) behavior...

I love you, I do...

Friday, March 19, 2010

Short-term Satisfaction

Thank goodness. Just finished the assignment...(tho, it's just today's assignment)...i'm practically aware of my other assignments....

So tonight, I think I'll reward myself (after all rewards I've been giving myself lately).

I'll go for a movie or two...huhu...

C ya round peeps...

Thursday, March 18, 2010


It is so annoying.

Can't even get rid of the pictures from my head.

When will this pain go away???

Been living in fantasy...so inviting...

Reality check.."knock knock"...You can't always have what you want!

It's time to move on!

Get set, ready............run! Move along with the pace.

Now? Focus on study...\

Love expectation? Zero tolerance. No way. Not anymore.

Need analysis? I just need myself...the whole lot for myself...Just me, myself and I.

You? You were just my dream...Huhu.



I feel stupid.

Do you know what stupid is?

Stupid is when you trust someone...who does not trust you, not even a bit.

Stupid is when you are being used without your acknowledgment.

Stupid is when you let someone secure a space in your heart when you have nothing in them.

Stupid is when you realize you can't adapt to their lifestyle...but you are trying hard to fit in.

Stupid is when you realize you are just being a toy.

Stupid is when you finally realize you are nothing more than a sex toy.

Stupid is when you say "I love you" and in return, you just get "Thank you" or "ok"

Stupid is when you don't speak their language and pretend that you are part of the clique.

Stupid is when you spend time with her, it is nothing more than mere waste of time, energy, money and life.

Stupid is when you feel hurt because expressing too much love, when in return...you are just on your own.

Stupid is when you know that the relationship won't work. Because, it is just you who works your ass off for that bond to spark.

Stupid is when you fall in love to a person who sees you as an insignificant character.

Stupid is when you let them treat you as a bimbo-kid and make fun of you.

Stupid is when you pretend to be 'cool' when you are not.

Stupid, stupid, stupid....

I feel stupid.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Being happy...

Please God, let me keep this happiness for a while....

It's been a while since I have been this happy...

Now I remember how it feels to love and be loved. It is good. I love it. Thank you for showing me the love last night. 

I like you, I do. You were so nice. You were good to me! Darn, I like you. I am glad that we both could share everything. Everything. Without any filter. 

I like the way you smile. I like the way you touch me. I like the way you caress me. I like the way you hold my hands. I like the way you compliment me. It makes me feel happy. I like you!

I wonder if it's a sin to confess how I feel. I think I might love you. Thank you for loving me last night. I know you are flying tomorrow. I will be missing you...for...no matter how long you are going to be 'there'. I wish I can flee with you, but I can't.

I like the way you talk. I like the way you giggle. I like the way you laugh. It's so honest. I like the way you look at me last night. It's full of expression!

Before you leave, I must say.... "I love you!"

I can't wait to be in your arms again. 


Friday, March 5, 2010

The Noise

 The noise.

It's too loud!!!!

I can't get it off of my head!

Is this the burden I have to carry for the rest of my life?

The freshness of the voice, it's painfully annoying at times...

But, it also soothes my heart some times...especially when I am feeling awfully low...


Life in retrospect pov. The day mummy left. The machines. "Tetttt.... Ninong, ninong...tuut...pleeet.....ting ting ting...treeeet...trett....tuuuut...tnnnnnnnnnnnnt...tenong tenong...."

Arrrgh, please go away...

It makes one's soul depress...n sad listening to the playback all over again. The day mummy left, I was there....Abah was there. Haikal was there too. We were sad. We cried. We hugged. We talked. "We've tried everything...but...-abah"

I don't know. That day seems like it's just yesterday. It is still fresh and vivid in my mind. I felt the pain and struggle for living through her eyes......


Rase mcm baru semalam. The sound of those machines. Bising. Pening. Chaos. Bilik penuh dgn doctors and nurses. Dr. Lum was there. So that his assistant. Dr. Awal too. Sister pun datang. Mok Ha was crying, trying to calm her down.  

"Asyhaduallailahaillallah...". "Mengucap Lily, megucap..." That's what she said.

Abah genggam erat tgn kanan mummy.

"Ingat Allah 'mi'... asyhaduallailahaillallah....waasyhaduannamuhammadurrasulullah..."

Her eyes....ke atas, ke bawah....what seemed to be obvious was her white eyes.... They said; "malaikat is pulling her soul..."

Dr. Lum panggil abah. Aku ikut. I was next to abah. "There's nothing we can do...Now is the time. We just wait for her to 'leave'..It won't be long... Do pray a lot..." Doctor Lum was very nice. He calmed us.

Ade sorang sister keluar. "I'm sorry..." Abah and I went inside (Room 418). Mummy was gone. "Innalillah.." The machines; "Teeeeeeeeeeeetttttt..." Blood was everywhere. My purple t-shirt was covered with some blood splash. Sayang nak basuh, I kept it in store. Mok Ha jatuh, she cried. I hugged her; "Sabar Mok Ha, dy dah xde...kene trime...Kite yang idup, kene teruskan..." I cried. My strongest weakness is that I can't stand...looking at crying people. It hurts my heart.

Tak sempat mummy nak balik umah. Tak sempat cium aiman and alya hari tu. Budak budak tu tak tau ape pn... The hospital looked like a big playground for them.

Nurses cuci mummy. Mummy punye favorite dress da basah dgn darah. Kitorang tukar. Mummy looks peaceful and calm. Pagi mummy pergi, dy tersenyum. Maybe dy dah tau. Who knows. At last, mummy dipakaikan baju kurung bunga2 yang baru buat. Sempat jugak dy pakai... Pastu, dorang bawak mummy pergi mandi and solat jenazah dkat nearest masjid. Hospital tu x provide service mandi jenazah and everything. Baju last mummy pakai....errmm....baju putih tu la kot....

Sume org sedih. Sume in deep shock. Abang Yo x stop nanges. Sume sedih. Tapi, dats life. Ari ni kite ade, esok kite pergi. Crazy kan, kite cume singgah skjap je.... I've learned that...we are not here for long, so we must treasure every single moment we have and use it wisely...Kalau x, menyesal nanti...

The machines dalam bilik mummy. The noise. Everything. Sume senyap. Tetibe dah xde bunyi. Selama sebulan lebih aku berkampung kat Hospital KPJ Damansara, x pernah satu saat pun mesin-mesin tu senyap. Sume on for 24h monitoring. Nak tido pun, dgr bunyi mesin. Sbab, anything can happen. Memang kene bersedia dari awal.

Teringat pulak kat giliran yang abah buat. My shift untuk jage mummy started from 11pm sampai 630am. Haikal punye shift, pukul 7pm sampai 11pm.... Abah pnye shift...siang hari...from 630am sampai petang. Kadang-kadang abah tertido, same goes to me. Kene stay up, monitor mummy...lap lendir yang keluar from her mouth...Xnak dy rase x selesa. Nak tunggu nurse, lambat..sbab simple things mcm tu kitorang bole buat...

Slalu sembang dgn mummy. Mummy x boleh bercakap. Dy tulis. Sometimes, banyak sampai 7-8 page sekali tulis. Mummy seorang yang kuat. Baru lpas major operation, da start tulis macam-macam. Mood dy slalu swing. Kene sabar je...kalau kene marah... Banyak kali mummy nanges sbab org x paham ape yg dy nak... Mummy x tau sign language...sbab 'bende' tu dtg tanpa diundang. So, x sempat la nak register sign language pnye kelas.

Mase kat Hospital Pakar Kuantan, mummy boleh lagi bangun, nak gi toilet ke...nak duduk ke... Tapi, lepas dy pnye gastrostomy n tracheostomy operation, dy da x bole bangun. Nak duduk pn susah. Sakit. Sakit tengok mummy mcm tu, tapi sakit lagi diri tuan punye badan yang menanggung. Mummy x boleh makan. Minum pun sakit. Doctor kene operate lagi... Mase operation, jantung mummy stop due kali. Abah was prepared if anything goes wrong. I was there...the whole time, next to abah. Dr. Awal frust sbab operation x smooth. Sepanjang dy jadi doctor, dy x pernah skali pn fail... He almost cried.

Mase operation tu, balloon tube from the gastrostomy pnye previous operation pecah. Balloon tu pecah dlm perut mummy. Doctor kene pasang yang baru. Mummy sakit. Mummy x tahan. Mummy slalu rasa x selesa...dy amek masa panjang nak adjust and adapt dgn balloon yang baru. Susu yang nurse masukkan from the tube, slalu meleleh keluar. Mummy sakit. Mummy slalu menangis sbab sakit. Aku x bole tgk mummy nanges. Bile dy nangis, aku pn mule nak nangis.

Machines. Noises. Bising. Mummy x bole tido. Kitorang tanye doctor if bole ke mute. Sorang akak nurse cantik..orang sabah...dy mute kan. Mummy bole tido dgn aman.

Tiub kat leher mummy panjang. Slalu ganggu dy. Sometimes oxygen x masuk dgn proper kt tube tu. Mummy sesak nafas. Emergency lagi. Msuk ICU lagi. X tau da brape kali mummy masuk ICU. Kadang-kadang darah block salur pernafasan mummy. Mummy da x bernafas from her nose or mouth. Mummy completely depends on oxygen coming through the tube. Tapi dy masih bole tersenyum.

Mummy kuat. Mumy slalu bagi nasihat kat aku and Haikal. Mummy suruh tolong tengok-tengokkan aiman and alya. Mummy tulis surat. Nanti bile aiman and alya besar, they will understand. "Mummy xde niat pun nak tinggalkan sume orang. Mummy sayang sume. Mummy sayang Faez, Mad, Haikal, Aiman, Alya...Mummy sayang abah...Mummy mintak maaf kalu ade terbuat salah dengan sume orang" Aku cakap.."mummy x pernah buat salah pun....kitorang banyak buat dosa kat mummy...please forgive us" Mummy nangis.

Mummy slalu nangis...dy slalu rase otrg x sayang kat dy. Mummy slalu rase sunyi. Mummy sedih x dapat dukung alya. Mummy sedih x dapat teman aiman pegi tadika. Mummy slalu rase org x paham the pain yg dy go through. I understand. We understand.

Mummy rindu nak makan nasi. Mummy rindu nak minum air teh susu. Mummy nak minum jus buah. Tapi, Doctor Lum x bagi. Nanti nurse marah. Mummy slalu tanye kitorang; "Sedap x makanan hari ni?" Pastu dy senyum. Mummy suke tgk kitorang (Abah, aku and Haikal) makan same-same as a family. Mummy rindu nak hidangkan nasi kat abah. Mummy rindu nak masak Nasi Tomato favorite aku. Mummy rindu nak masak kt kitorang sume. Tapi, nak angkat sudu pun rase susah. Mummy dah x mampu buat sume tu.

Mummy sayang sume orang. Sume orang sayang mummy. Aku sayang mummy. Aku rindu nak jage mummy. Aku rindu angkat mummy. Aku rindu nak cium dahi mummy. Aku rindu nak lap hingus and air liur mummy. Aku rindu nak sikat rambut mummy. Aku rindu pakaikan bedak sejuk kt muka mummy. Aku rindu nak urut kaki mummy. Mummy suke kalu aku urut kaki dy. Dy slalu lenguh...sbab x bergerak g mane2... Aku rindu pakaikan tudung kt mummy. Aku rindu amek air smayang untuk mummy. Aku rindu nak jage mummy. Aku rindu dy.

Orang cakap dorang paham what we went through. Tengok dari luar mmg paham. Kite yang merase....sabar je la. What happened to mummy. The loss. Aku jadi strong. Aku jadi seorang yang menilai kehidupan from different angle. Hidup ni sekejap je. Aku puas...aku puas tengok mummy senyum hari last dy kat bumi ni. Aku puas dapat jage mummy. Aku puas.

Satu je aku x puas, aku x puas dgr bunyi bingit mesin-mesin kat hospital tu. The noise...peneman tidur aku. The noise. Buat aku terjage waktu malam. The noise, buat aku berhati-hati dgn mummy. The noise, buat aku berdebar-debar. The noise, buat aku menangis.

Mummy slalu cakap "Jangan nangis"...Tapi, bile mummy nangis, aku x dapat tahan.

Now? Aku da x menangis lagi. Sebab mummy dah x menangis. I promised mummy to take good cares of aiman and alyaa. I love them.

Finally, last night...aku mimpi...that akhirnye, aku dapat let go. AKu dapat lepaskan mummy. Goodbye mummy. Now, aku rase, da boleh kot aku delete sms terakhir from mummy dlm phone aku. Aku mungkin dapat delete nombor mummy from my phone. Kalu call pn, bukan ade org jawab...........

I love you mummy. Assalamualaikum.