I Feel FREE!!!

Yeah...finally....the research proposal....pheeeww.....alhamdulillah...sume da siap hantar...budak2 umah skali....congrats tu sume!!!! pergh....susah+penat+tensyen...macam macam ada...

Gile babS sampai tak study literature.... in the end? Tak dapat jawab....uwaaaaaaa......sedihnye...Tapi, nak buat mcm mane....sape suh buat last minute....
I feel so free....nak terjun blok je!

I miss someone too...but I guess....takpe la...I am not in the position to miss si dia anymore...ahahaha.... i seem to distant myself so much lately from diyer..ahahaha... sedih but I think, that's the best... diyer pn seem to be having someone now...i am happy untuk diyer...

Lalala...I feel so free but I can't seem to be smiling... I don't know why..nak sambung tengok Condor Hero la plak...ape la da jadi kat Yang Guo and Cik Long tu....

So, I guess...it's over right??? You don't have to keep me anymore...be happy with 'him' ok... You guys look so sweet together...

Oh ya, di kesempatan ini, I'd love to say sorry kat sume yg pernah saye buat silap...please forgive me ok... and to 'you', thank you for everything ye! You are the best!

TQ ;)

I don't Wanna Fight No More...

Suddenly I feel like listening to this song. It reminds me of my good old days at school, listening and enjoying my Westlife songs...darn...I miss it...

Somehow, that song means a lot to me lah... Conflict is everywhere! Here and there...everywhere! I am tired already if you know what I mean. I want to feel brand new!

Oh ya..I almost forgot what were we fighting for... huhu. Is it the time to end this war my friend? I hope so. Lets end it. Urgent!

I know that we can make it right dear and it's going to take a little time my friend. Come on dear. Let's not leave ourselves with no way out. Let us not cross the line! Please.

Living without you will tear me apart. You knew that already right babe?! Any last words?? I don't know..why don't you start...coz I want to listen it from you...

All I'm saying is....I just don't wanna have a fight with you anymore. This is the best for us!

Happy Deepavali to everyone! Maaf zahir batin...

Echo

Vertical Horizon - Echo

Echo, echo...
We come, we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...

Everywhere I go
There's something I really need
Everyone I know
Is someone I want to be
Even though
I don't really know me

I better pick it up
Before I let it slip away
I better stick it out
Before I take another day
Into mouth
Everything I say fades out

Echo, echo...
We come, we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...

Can I open up your eyes?
Only when the clouds break?
Can I feel the light?
Even though the world shakes
Every night,
You're my quiet satellite

Can I hold you close?
Do her out of focus
And everything I know
I don't even know this
It all falls through
I'm here and I hear you

Echo, echo...
We come, we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...

Do you hear me?
Do you hear me?
Cause I need to, just to reach you
Do you hear me?
Coming clearly?
Am I hollow?
Just an echo

Echo, echo...
We come, we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...
Echo, echo...
We come, we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...

Terima Kasih

Hoho...thank you for everything. "Saye tak pernah buang awak!"....Since when that I have someone else? Why don't you tell me dear... Thank you.

I hope you can see why I am doing this to you...I am giving you time and space to leave me. When I politely asked you, you said no.... There are things which best kept as secret.

I am just a nobody. With the tiniest voice ever. You know how I run it right. Just what did you mean by what you've said last night?

I am sorry for not replying your texts. In fact, I am sorry for everything. "Saye x pernah buang awak ok!"

TQ.

Journal #6

ACTIVITY 3
- Find a photo of a character about whom you wish to write: Someone other than yourself.
- Describe the content of the photo (up to 80 words) - in the notebook.
- Describe of that which sits outside the photo: who was taking it, what was just out of shot, who was present, the location, the time and other such details - some can be imagined (notebook)
- COMBINE AND INTEGRATE THE TWO VERSIONS, SO IT READS LIKE THE STORY OF THE PHOTO BEING TAKEN (POST ON BLOG)

Can I Have Some of the Happiness Drink Please??

She was born on Thursday, 24 July 2008, 4.01pm. Her cute little face calms the restless soul. The boy besides her is Ahmad Aiman Fitri Bin Abdullah. He is also an angel in the family. Now, the truth, she is the new angel in the family. She is everything now. She is the one whom everyone longs for so long. Finally, she's here in the family. Her name? It reads "Alyaa" from her soft blanket. Alyaa Jasmine Binti Abdullah. Yes, that's her. The way she looks at Aiman in the picture makes me wonder. "Abang Aiman, Adik nak susu jugak..." Maybe..maybe not. What was she thinking? I have no idea. One thing I know is, Aiman loves to pose in front of the camera, so he would say "Wah, I look kind and caring to Adik!" Those two are my angels, forever and ever.

The picture was taken a day before 2008's Eid. I took that photo with my camera phone out of boredom. There was nobody there except me. So I was out of the picture, obviously! My Mummy was in her room, performing her Asar prayer I think. My dad was on his way for the holiday from Kota Kinabalu. So, they were out of shot as well. It was taken at my grandfather's house, at the children's living hall. As I recall, the day was sunny. Oh no, it was steamy back there. The reason why I took that picture is: I love both of them; Aiman and Alyaa. Here, I want to focus on Alyaa. She is a miracle in my family. Our family has been longing to have a baby girl since...I can't remember when. Finally, Alhamdulillah. She is way too healthy for me. She was born with almost 5kg in weigh! My goodness. I am happy that she comes in the family. I can clearly see how my father is happy. Alyaa is the picture of happiness for us!

Severe Happiness

Such smile on my face..
It's fake!

Such laugh with my words..
It hurts!

Such joy I bring..
It's tiring!

Such love I spray..
It's not my pray!

Such fight for hours..
Sorry, I did not bring you flowers!

Such struggle with your fight..
It's my darkness in your light!

Such cry at nights..
It slashes my pride!

Such pain and uneasiness..
are my severe happiness.

Sakit...

Hmmm...the word clearly speaks the meaning...both mentally and physically.
What a tragedy..trembling like a goat, trying to escape from the sacrifice. Last night was like..re-capturing my past..I can see now..it is coming back..no matter how much I tried to hide it and not speak about it, it hits me back....

It hurts..it hurts....it really hurts!!! My face...my body...my soul...my lips...my shoulder...my everything...they hurt! Words cannot explain how much it hurt... all the shaking, the shivering, the trembling.. It haunts me again!!! IT IS HAUNTING ME AGAIN! Those bad memories.....

Stop...stop!...it's painful...you cannot see the pain...all you can do is blame.... I'm scared to death.. I feel like hiding in the giant closet and wait till you leave. Sakit.....sakit.....sangat sakit.... I always imagined that..one day, when you push me and hit me, I accidentally hit the glass windows. What will happen then?.. I was awfully scared. It hurts..it hurts...

I am sorry for not telling you..but there are things better kept secret. I bet you knew that already. I cannot face this again. What a nightmare for me. Sakit..which part of sakit don't you understand? It hurts!

I am sick. I am ill. I am not feeling well. The swollen soul is crying, begging you to stop. It hurts. It hurts!!! Please........................................saye sakit yang amat sangat. SAKIT!!!! I know I've hurt you gazillion times before...but did I ever hit or push you or force you to do something you don't want to? Did I ever use violence against you? If I recall....nevermind... it hurts! It still hurts!


Mark my words, I WILL REMEMBER THOSE! THE SLAPS, THE HITS, THE SWELL WILL FADE BUT MY SWOLLEN HEART WON'T!........................................... stop doing those to someone else! Lastly, I am sorry for everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Morning to the World ;)

Olala...rise and shine...to the new day... The brightness of the sun..enlightens my mourning...oh I feel like losing someone already...though its' hanging somewhere without any string...does that make sense? Wheeew...

I finally know the meaning of loneliness. Ahaha... Loneliness is when you wonder around late at night (in my case, early in the morning) and you actually have nowhere to go. Loneliness is when you ask your friend to leave you, wishing that you can find your way home, all by yourself. Loneliness is when you madly care for someone whom you hurt but you did not mean to. Loneliness is when you make fool of yourself in front of them and thinking they could have liked you better. Loneliness is when you pretend not seeing the one you love in front of your eyes when you actually clearly can see them.

Last night, I was wondering around section 18...just after meeting my friend at McD there. I tought of dropping by but I just did not have the guts of knocking the door. "What would he say? Will he accept me? Will he open the door?" A lot was going on my mind. Technically speaking, I went to his house and just stood downstairs...not doing anything.. I was holding a card. A card of forgiveness... oh well...

Then I walked and walked (berape kali saye tawaf the block pun saye x pasti)... I did not know what was I thinking!!!? I was afraid of waking you up after the long day that you had. I just wanted to see the face, but I let myself out. I just wanted to smile, but I faked it. I just wanted to cry but I muted in my silence. I guess, all I'm saying is...I miss you.

However, I got to my senses, knowing that the busyness everyone has gone through (including me). "It's ok"... I should have informed you earlier. Huhu... "I think you were already in your wonderland, you should get some rest".. I guess, I just miss you, that's all. Then I went home..late (Ekhwan hasn't asleep yet, Tjul dah terbongkang..with some farts lagi, Opsie!)

Like I said, a lot was going on my mind. I just don't know why. He makes me happy though. He sees me when nobody does. He wipes my body when they spitted on me. He cleans myself up when people splashed dirt in the rain. Me? I simply do nothing. How foolish does it sound?

"You love me, you love me not..you love me, you love me not, you love me, you love me not.." Ahahaha...Thats all.. Oh ya, I woke up early this morning..and I felt happy all in the sudden. I don't really know why. But I am happy..huhuhuhu. I was dreaming about you... That's all Mr Bloggy. I'll update later ok..
Tq.

p/s- Thanx my friend for sharing your story and forcing your ears to listen my problem last nite... C u later then.

Are We Back on Track or What???!

What a morning to start off my day..pathetic...laziness rules!
Headed to class..oh ya, the class started a lil bit late...kudos prof..
I thought the fever is gone, but..I underestimated the fuckin fever...makes my day gloomy..(a bit)
The last message was.."Goodnight"..ahahaha...
Currently in love with Lisa Lavie...darn...for real??
I'm just wondering my stats...just to confirm..so that I'm not dreaming on the sand again..
Are we back on track or what? You should be tired by now...
Bored is not a precise word for you I guess...I think.."tired" suits us...Are you tired?
I'm not sorry anymore..ahahaa...sue me for that..coz, that's what I do...
Uhuhuhu...stressed over assignments last few days...oh wait..the best is about to come...
Let's cram this eleventh hour til the veins come out from our eyes!!!!
Lisa Lavie - Find Me An Angel...please find me one....
OMG..I thought it's goin to be a wall of words..but...
Tomorrow will be another day...I am still here..not doin anythin...

Dat's all Mr Bloggy..c ya round babe..
bye..

Munawwarah, WHERE R U???

I'm a lil bit depressed today...knowing the fact that..I might wont be seeing her again after this!!! Uwaaa.....Please come back to me..please...

I know I've done so many wrong things to you...I just couldn't help myself... Oh...where r u? Can somebody please help me find her... I miss you..I really miss you...

Your cute lil face...so adorable..The temptation to make you sleep on my lap..oh man..I'm obsessed with you...in fact, I am listening to "Obsession" by Army of Lovers... Please come back baby...

Your soft bottom of your feet and hands make me feel fresh and young. Your smooth silky jacket makes you look like a Snow White..You are my princess.... Please come back to me...

Your sneeze...is so pure..n clean...I miss that too...it makes me feel complete again, at least for a while...But where r u? Please come back..please..

I wonder..are you with someone else at the moment? Why can't I see you my baby? I miss you so much.. I know I've let you down throughout the week..but I was busy...with assignments...Jaferi's work..micro teaching..etc... I hope you can see that dear... I'm sorry

I really miss you..if you r with someone else...I just want you to be happy..I know that you r not happy with me... but don't be like this....Samad misses you! Mak Tam misses you! The Blackies miss you! I MISS YOU!!! Where are you Munawwarah???

If any of you know Munawwarah's whereabout, please..pleaseeee let me know... I'll pick her up... If any of you know that someone has taken Munawwarah, please tell them to return her to her family! She belongs there!!!! Not somewhere else! It's alien and scary for her..We live in a cruel world..It's a CRUEL world out there!!!

Munawwarah, where r U????



This is Munawwarah....

Yay! Thankful to U..

U've finally made me happy...hehe..
Thanx...U should b happy too..How r u today? I hope u r doin great today...I can accompany u to the clinic..if u want..but last night, u said "No"...I hope those cramps r gone by now...My phone was not in tune last night, that's why I got ur msg a lil bit too late..Sorry. Porridge? I hope it did quench ur thirst n ur hunger as well..My kiss in advance to heal ur 'wound' n fever..hope it still works tho..

When I insisted to come ova, u said.."It's ok.." You do kno dat it's not quite often...in fact, once in a blue moon, as if (yeah rite)...but I understand...U were not feeling well..I just wanna say sorry..for things that happened since the blue Monday. Will you stop befren with that devilish drink now? It slashes my heart, to kno dat cumin str8 from u...(sigh)

Hmm...today is Wednesday. I don't know what is happening to us..I mean to me, obviously... Why r u still holding on even tho its painful? I just don't get it.... When I was there, its ur world..in here, its mine... I forgive myself now...I understand if u can't..hmmm... How can I make it up to u dis time?

Las nyte, I dreamed about u..it was scaree...as U n suddenly ur uncle were condemning me, str8 to my eyes..1-on-1, 1-by-1..pheew.. I was scared (not to death) but..it did sweat me out las nyte. All the misery I've given u. All the trouble I caused. All the pain I've done. All on me. I'm so sorry. I hope we can still...enjoy the moments on this yellow paradise again. If its not today, one day perhaps?

Lastly, I'm releasing myself from this huge burden inside me. I LOVE YOU. I kept it with me for almost a month. If I can't c u again, that's ok. I totally got ur message. I just wanna c u happy. Not like this, not with me. I guess, all I'm sayin is... I'm thankful that I've found U and U were so wonderful to me! I can never repay u d same...
Thanx my tree.

Dumbest,
eMoZa

Sorry!

To those I've hurt, I'm sorry.
Sorry to see you burped out the devilish drink.
Don't stop, that's not what I asked from you.
You should be happy. Sorry for not replying your messages.
Sorry for not picking up your calls.
Sorry for being stubborn.
Sorry for making you cry, making you sad.
Sorry for not easing your pain.
Sorry, how should I know the rain comes again?..I never know..
Sorry for not knowing your secrets.
Sorry that you have to hide things from me. Sorry.
Sorry for crossing the road without holding your hand.
Sorry for not seeing you when I actually can see.
Sorry for shouting at you, really I am.
Sorry for humiliating you in front of them, sorry. I had no intention at all.
Sorry for my silence. Sorry for running away.
I run because I'm scared, not to escape..sorry.
Sorry for becoming such a burden. Don't hold on, just let go.
Sorry for being mad...when I should not care less.
Sorry for overreacting. Sorry for that. That's what I do best.
Sorry for leaving.
I'm sorry for everything.
I DID NOT CONJURE THESE RAINY DAYS!

Release me..

Owh..I feel like craps today.
Currently listening to 'Loveholic-Sad Story' over and over again.
I sound heartless...I have no guts to go on anymore...I'm sorry..
I can't say I'm happy but I'm doing ok..just leave me please.
I'll look at you differently after this..I'm sorry.
I thought I can act cool and pretend that it's ok..but I was wrong, I can't..
You should come clean to your mum and dad, and promise yourself not to do that again.
I don't know, I just can't walk on that path anymore..such slum..wont fit me.
I just wish you to be happy.
Please forget everything about me..I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for every single mistake I've ever done...
I'm sorry for hurting you..
Just let me go and you will be happy once again.
I'll look at you differently from now on..
You're still the best I've ever had.
Thank you for everything.