The beginning of an end

Hiya there,

Wah..catchy phrase there. 'The beginning of an end'. It does not make sense if I say this now. It is just for us to prepare for what is about to come later. I wish to say 'the end of a beginning' but even that does not make any sense since we started this long ago.

Ok, I rambled.

Perhaps this will mark a period before we really end this (whatever you call it) relationship. Though this post might be exclusively written for a specific audience (you), if others (presumably you, you and you) happen to read it too, feel free to use your wild imagination.

Trust is expensive. I trusted you once. Wait. No. More than once. Today, I find it hard to trust you. Tell me, is it wrong for me to doubt you? I know you took the pictures not for my attention, nor for hers. So? I have a feeling that another agenda came in between those pics.

I know you have been repeating whatever wrong you did to me. I know you have been reaching out to another 'weird (if not bent) creatures' out there. Behind my back. Yes, you must be lonely that's why you started... again. Relapse? Perhaps. Lust? Definitely. Saja-saja? No way.

Carry on. If one day, I found out.. kantoi.. whatever you name it, it will be the end of everything. Honestly, between you and my instict, I trust mine more. So blame me if I'm being too outpushy.

Ta~

Pheww... recovered.

Hiya.

This rusty page needs servicing. Desperately. Yeay, password recovered! Pheww, I thought I'd lost you forever Bloggy T T...

Till then, I'll see you around (if not tomorrow, or the following dayssss). Toodles.

New chapter.

The past few weeks really tested my everything. Literally everything I had for you. I guess it’s true after all when they say; you can’t buy happiness and you can’t buy trust. Earning trust is truly hard but breaking it is easy. It takes only one stupid lie to end everything. But you? Not just one… go count yourself.

All I did the past few weeks was just wait, wait and wait. I kept on waiting till I had no idea what I was waiting for. What was I expecting from you? To counter, yeah.. ko kene faham Za.. bukan sekangkang kera..bla bla bla. You used to go that extra miles to prove that you meant what you said. What gives? Why now? I don’t see anything changes. 

So I have a family now. So? It’s not like we’re making out like lovers. No. Simply put, it’s the effort you make, not the excuses you create. It was ok before this. What gives? Why now? So you’re a big shot now? I get it. Just because I don’t have anything atm, doesn’t mean I don’t have my pride intact?! I told you, it will be like this till you finally decide to confront and face me. Be a man.

I guess, you no longer matter to me just as I no longer matter to you. I don't remember treating you this shitty Booby. Have I ever??? I am trying to remove you from my life. We are better off as friends. Please understand this. Dah lama dah. Please at least honor my wish for my birthday. My wish is to start a new life without you in it.

I’d like to thank the wonderful people from my past who didn’t forget. Thanks for your beautiful wishes. I’m old now. Another year marks the aging line on my face. Truth is, you..yes all of you are not forgotten. Thanks for being friends though our past was not painted the way we wanted to. Peace shout out to Z and N. Thank you for your words.

I purposely changed my FB setting just to see who’d remember. Alhamdulillah. Just when I thought I was being left out and forgotten, ada lagi people who remember. Just when I thought I didn't have friends, there were still lots (if not many) who remember. You don't need FB for a reminder. It's whether or not you value someone in your life. Thank you so much peeps. I love you '( I felt like crying when people as far as OZ pun remember. No idea how. Even my former housemates, chat mates, and students. Ya Allah, thank you and may they be blessed always, ameen. 

Thank you to my cuddly wife who struggled last night baking a cake for me. Though it’s sloppy, it’s the best cake I’ve had in years. You are simply the best I could ever ask for. 

I didn’t ask much Booby. Just your attention and your sensitivity since the past few weeks you went astray. Is that too much to ask? Why didn’t you work on this friendship? Why do you have to make it worse every day? Why now? What gives?

If you’re really bored of me, I am bored of you too. I am sick of your shitty lies and the way you treated me. You really think I am an idiot. It’s ok. I get it. Life is like a wheel. Sometimes you are up there. There will be days when you will be at the bottom of the wheel, touching the ground. Today it’s not my glory day. Just another day to remind me how sad my life is when you’re around.

So please let me leave. Let’s start a new life.

Happy birthday.

p/s - Berperasaan biar berpada-pada, nanti makan diri. I guess I've loved you too much kot before this. Don't worry. Not anymore. I don't love you anymore. Just another fake friend.

Mute

The day it happened: 30 Nov 2016
Reason it happened: Saje-saje
How I felt about it?: Devastated. I felt heartbroken. The trust was broken. I gave up...

I waited and waited for your gutsy move in explaining what happened, why you went astray by trying to eat out. You chose to deny and lie. I acted stupid. Yeah. You pretended as if nothing happened. I showed you the picture. I vividly remembered the blanket we exchanged before I left for OZ. How could you.

1 Dec 2016: I went all muted. I refused to respond to your texts. But I failed, miserably. Despite ignoring your texts and keeping you at mute, I still waited. Why? Coz I was an idiot I guess.

3 Dec 2016: Still no explanation. I decided to block your calls. It's better this way coz I'd know you couldn't get through me. I blocked, unblocked, blocked and unblocked again. Shitty me.

Most of the time now, I don't really feel anything anymore. Boy, am I worried? Yes. But... You broke me AGAIN... God knows for how many times already.

I was really beaten up. I was helpless and hopelessly waiting for nothing. The promises you made. How I struggled to not do what you hated all this time. Tell me something, am I wasting my time?

Now: It has been 25 days since I went all mute on you. I didn't wanna hear your chimes when you whatsapped me. I was really down and dead-disappointed Booby. Why did you do it? Were you bored of me? You must have been bored of me. Or else, you wouldn't do it, would you?

I'm sorry. I told myself. This rogue will go on till you decide to come and see me... face me. Talk to me personally. I wanna look at your face when you lie. Till then, you are on my silent list. I wish to give up now, let go of everything. This is not the first time you broke me. How many times do I have to bear this Booby? Why? Am I just a toy???

Forgiven but not forgotten:
I forgive you. Seriously. But it's hard for me to forget. It still gets me...the thing you did. I still can't figure out why. I guess I am an idiot after all.

Thank you Booby. 

Dear booby...

Dear booby,

Silly. How could I not wish you on this special day?! I drafted this earlier but the way you ignored me… urgh. How could I not personally wish you when you are one of the persons I love most in this life??! Though we are not physically together, there’s no way I would not send you this wish. 

I know I was not the first person to wish you ‘Happy birthday’ but I certainly wanna be the last. I wish I could personally sing you the three birthday songs I used to sing like the years before..but…

Booby, You know how I wanna be with you on your special day but… I guess some things are just not meant to be… Dear booby, my booby.. I know that we don’t always think alike or agree with each other all the time. I know that we see life in different ways but what really matter is we’re still together. I know you’ve done a lot for me and sacrificed a lot too. I am thankful for the things you did, the patience you put to make me stay. Thank you for having enlightened my life with your love booby. :(

Also, I know I don’t always show my feelings but just so you know.. you are still the best thing in my life, my booby. You really mean everything to me! I love you. I love you! I love you!

My birthday present for you is.. a promise of my whole lot of love for you. I hope your birthday was as special as you are booby!

Happy birthday booby!

p/s - I am sorry for everything. I don't blame you if you hate me now. I won't be angry if you wanna leave me now. It's okay. Whether I'm there or not, you will be fine.

Sincerely,

me, kunji.

Here’s a song for you.. How I wish I could be there and hug you now :(

Next Plane Home – Daniel Powter

I woke up early to baby blue eyes from afar whoah whoah

And when the sun comes through and lights you like the angel you are whoah whoah

I know I do you wrong when I'm with you I've been gone

With every season change, it looks the same november to june whoah whoah

And dont these empty streets skip a beat the flowers dont bloom whoah whoah

I can't believe I missed your birthday again

And I wanna come back but I just don't know when now

And I'm so lonely your not here with me

That's way I'm gonna be on the next plane home

The road that never ends around the bend I see your smile whoah whoah

I'd swim across the sea to be with you for a while whoah whoah

Cos I've made a life of been gone

Now the way that I feel I just don't belong

And I'm so lonely you're not here with me

Thats why I'm gonna be on the next plane home

And you're you're the only face I wanna see

Thats why I'm gonna be on the next plane home

Stand around try to make every moment

And be somebody yeah anybody

It seems the whole world is taking me over

I need somebody to help me get back to

And I've always been a million miles away

But things are gonna change

I just wanna come home

And you're you're the only face I wanna see

That's why I gonna be on the next plane home

Yeah I'm taking the next plane home

Now I'm getting the next plane home

Now I'm taking the next plane home

Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5E4j_n17cTI

Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/danielpowter/nextplanehome.html