Aku Yang Kotor

Cinta sang pelacur sukma...

Aku Yang Kotor

“Ternoda aku dalam belaian syurgamu…”

Si kecil bersuara “Aku pelacur!”

Aku pelacur, sang pelacur sukma

Dambaan hati-hati yang luluh hancur

Tersebak jiwa kelam berdarah hina

Kau malaikat bersantun sajak berkaabah

Terdengar aku; iblis diam membisu

Dek terusik indah untaian bismillah

Tertunduk aku, pilu dan lesu

Aku kotor lemas dalam fana kehidupan

Bertapak di jalanan busuk yang amat

Bernyanyi aku dalam keruh kenistaan

Namun aku sudah penat

Igauanku sang pelacur sukma

Kicauan pilu bersuara sendu

Bila iblis dan malaikat hidup bersama

Mawar syurga terobek layu

Bila lagi kita akan bersua?

Genggam pelacur sukma akan tangan malaikatnya

Merayu hasrat gejolak nafsu nestapa

Malaikat menatap mata pelacur indah dalam santunnya

Kotornya bayangan sang pelacur sukma

Berilusi dalam balutan kasih mesra

Ilusi sang pelacur terluka

Dicantas dibuang malaikat berduka

Kebodohanku dan Kebaikanmu

I'm sorry that I love you...

Aku bodoh. Sungguh bodoh. Dikala kau tersenyum bahagia bersamanya, aku merantai perasaan penuh harapan. Aku sedar siapa diriku ini. Tak berkepentingan langsung tak diendah. Ibarat seketul batu di tepian jalan. Disepak aku turut, dipijak aku rela. Mengapa? Kenapa? Kerana aku bodoh. Sungguh bodoh. Tatkala kau kesedihan, aku turut bersedih. Di kala kau berduka, aku turut berduka. Di saat tanganmu pijar, aku turut merasa pijarnya. Aku bodoh. Sungguh bodoh. Aku ingat aku mampu, rupa-rupanya tidak. Jauh sekali dari perkataan OK. Aku bilang tempoh hari aku sanggup reset hatiku ini. Telah aku cuba. Sungguh, aku telah mencuba. Tidakku ku mampu. Mungkin aku lemah. Ya, aku lemah. Namun itu khilafku. Telah aku cuba. Dan aku gagal. Maafkanku kiranya aku tak mampu jadi yang terbaik buatmu. Ku tau dia mampu buat kau tersenyum. Aku terima.

Kau baik. Sungguh baik. Kali pertama ku lihatmu duduk di kerusi merah itu, aku dapat rasakan kau adalah sempurna. Mana mungkin! Mereka kata tiada yang sempurna di dunia ini tapi mengapa kau wujud? Perlahan-lahan ku perhatikanmu. Gerak-gerimu. Tingkah lakumu. Kau baik. Sungguh baik. Dua tahun didarab dengan beberapa bulan. Ya, 24 bulan aku mengenalimu. Satu tempoh yang panjang. Rasanya amat perlahan detik itu berlalu. Tika dan detik itu, aku hanya mampu melihat kau dari jauh. Dikit-dikit, perasaan makin berputik. Aku cuba mencari yang lain. Namun hatiku tertutup. Hanya ada kau dalam hatiku. Kau baik. Sungguh baik. Di saat aku sedih. Kau ceriakan hariku. Di saat ku sakit. Kau jadi doktor. Di saat aku sunyi. Kau jadi peneman. Kau baik. Sungguh baik.

Aku bersyukur di atas tiap senyuman yang kau beri padaku. Aku berterima kasih akan kebaikanmu. Aku gembira tiap kali kau berjenaka. Aku bahagia melihat kau tersenyum. Tutur katamu membuatkan orang di sekeliling senang akan hadirmu. Kau baik. Sungguh baik. Waktu-waktu bersamamu membuatku berfikir. Alangkah bahagianya andai dapat bersama insan istimewa. Kau sangat istimewa. Sungguh istimewa. Namun apakan daya, kebodohanku mengatasi rasa secebis bahagia yang ku rasa buat sedetik. Walau bahagia itu seketika, aku tetap bersyukur. Kau mungkin tertanya-tanya. Mengapa aku jadi begini. Ingin ku jawab sejujur hatiku namun aku tak punya jawapan bagi soalan itu. Aku tertanya-tanya mengapa akhirnya aku jadi begini? Mengapa? Rupa-rupanya aku bodoh. Itu sebabnya. Bahagia yang digarap hanyalah khayalanku semata. Ilusi yang ditokok tambah dengan permainanmu. Hatiku tiada nilai. Samalah ibaratnya diriku yang batu di jalanan ini. Bodoh! Ini semua bodoh! Semua silapku. Semua khilafku. Bukan aku minta rasa bodoh ini. Apakan lagi harapan yang tinggi menggunung agar kau jadi milikku. Bodoh! Ini semua bodoh! Hoi batu! Bangunlah dari mimpimu!

Sekarang aku sedar. Aku harus pergi. Aku tak seharusnya mengganggu kebahagiaanmu. Melihat kebahagiaanmu membuatku tersenyum di kejauhan. Aku hanya mampu mengukir senyuman. Walau senyumku tak seikhlas perasaanku, paling kurang aku dapat menipumu. Kau Tanya apakah aku OK? Ya, aku OK. Lantas ku tersenyum. Senyum di bibirku hanyalah helah menutup egoku. Tapi lihatlah ke dalam mataku. Mataku tidak mampu menipu. Mataku tidak mampu menyorok kesedihanku. Aku penat. Sungguh penat. Sekarang musim kemarau. Air mataku tak mampu lagi mengalir. Mataku kering. Pedih. Sungguh pedih.

Bukan aku yang kau perlu. Bukan aku yang kau cari. Bukan aku yang kau sayang. Izinkan aku undur diri. Maafkanku kerana selalu memberi kau kesedihan. Maafkanku kerana aku tak mampu buat kau tersenyum. Maafkanku kerana aku terlalu sayangkan kau. Maafkanku kerana mencintaimu. Maafkan kebodohanku.  Buat setiap kata-kata manismu, ku ucapkan terima kasih. Buat setiap saat kau luang bersamaku, ku ucapkan syukran. Buat secebis bahagia yang kau berikan, ku ucapkan thank you. Aku doakan agar kau bahagia dengannya. Jadikan dia yang terbaik kerana itu yang kau pilih. Kerana aku sayangkan kau, ku undur diri. Selamat tinggal sayangku.

Masih Mencintainya...

Hey there Mr. Bloggy..

It's been a while. Life has taken its toll on me lately. I've been feeling down since...I don't know... since I put too much unreasonable feelings in my heart that day I guess. Sucks. Big time! It hurts. It really hurts. Can I just sell my feelings on mudah.my? I don't want 'em anymore... Oh man, it's hard to let go of this stupid feeling! Maybe it's time for me to leave..but a friend of mine told me "If you leave Niza, you are just running away from the problem... It won't solve anything". Indeed. Sigh.

The thing about me is, I don't really care about a lot of things. Seriously. I don't care if the Earth is round or spherical. I even put hold on important stuffs like my study plan, my love life, my marriage plan, my friends, my friends' problems and yadda yadda yadda. But, when I do care, I tend to care too much. And I care about YOU! Really?! Why?! Cause I love you damn it! Urgh. This hurts. Really. My concerns...errm..were mostly under-appreciated. Oh well...

One sided love is always the worst. There's no echo as you shout on your own. The only sound you'd hear is the sound of loneliness. Ok, that's it... I'll be alone forever. Just me, myself and I. Me, myself and I!

Dear You, I'm sorry that I love you. I'm sorry that I have feelings for you. I didn't plan to fall for you but I fell...hard. Really hard. I'm sorry. I love you but I know I have to go. Maybe it's time for me to let go. I'm sorry that I keep asking you to smile and be happy even when you are not. I'm sorry for wanting you so bad. I know I am not the one you need. I love you, goodbye. ZzzzzzzzzZ

At the moment, there's a song to describe my feelings... Well, it's not really how I feel..but close enough. It's a song by Papinka, an Indonesian band entitled; "Masih Mencintainya".   

Papinka -  Masih Mencintainya

Jika teringat tentang dirimu
Berlinang air mataku
Ku rindu saat-saat bersamamu
Kasih sayangmu padaku
 
Namun kini kau bukan milikku
Dan berakhir sudah cintaku
Biarkan saja hatiku bicara
Ku masih sayang padamu
 
Aku selalu mendoakanmu
Agar kau bahagia
Bersama dirinya selamanya
 
Mengapa mudahnya hatimu mendua
Ku lapangkan dada walau aku terluka
Semoga bahagia bersama dirinya
Karena kau telah memilih dia
  

Betapa sakitnya apa yang ku rasa
Tuhan kuatkanlah hatiku yang terluka
Semoga ku bisa tuk melupakannya
Karena ku masih mencintainya
 
Namun kini kau bukan milikku
Dan berakhir sudah cintaku
Biarkan saja hatiku bicara
Ku masih sayang padamu
 
Aku selalu mendoakanmu
Agar kau bahagia
Bersama dirinya selamanya
 
Mengapa mudahnya hatimu mendua
Ku lapangkan dada walau aku terluka
Semoga bahagia bersama dirinya
Karena kau telah memilih dia
 
Betapa sakitnya apa yang ku rasa
Tuhan kuatkanlah hatiku yang terluka
Semoga ku bisa tuk melupakannya
Karena ku masih mencintainya 

91's Setelah Aku Kau Miliki

Hiya Mr. Bloggy,

I'm feeling a lil bit mellow today. As I listen to this, hey.. it's kinda nice. The lyrics fit fine with what I'm feeling at the moment. Anyway, I just feel like sharing the lyrics here. It's in Malay though. This is a song performed by Shima in 1991's Juara Lagu. The title is: Setelah Aku Kau Miliki.

Setelah Aku Kau Miliki
Shima

Mereka lihat ku tersenyum
Gembira bagai tiada duka
Begitu indah dipandangan
Tapi hatiku keretakan bagai sinar
Purnama terang yang terbakar

Setelah aku kau miliki
Mana janjimu yang sejati
Segala bagai kiambang
Zahirnya nampak berkembangan
Akar tak jejak di dasaran
Terluka cintamu itu

( korus )
Jelmaan yang mendatang
Meragut menggoda
Membenam binasa cinta
Aku di genggaman
Engkau lepaskan
Kerna memburu khayalanmu
Yang menjanjikan
Rembulan keribaanmu
Engkau kehancuran

Tidakku mampu membencimu
Biarpun cuba ku lepaskan
Tapi rantaimu mengunciku
Di kota cinta jelmaanmu
Tidakku rela dibinasa
Bersama cintamu itu

Lost in Emotion: Crush < Love > Infatuation

Crush Turtle from Disney's Finding Nemo

Hey there old friend, Mr. Bloggy..

I know, I know... It is indeed my fault for abandoning you... How long has it been?? My goodness..it is almost a year since I last wrote you an entry... Please forgive me. In my defense, errr... Twitter! Blame it on Twitter...and Instagram too. Those are major distractions these days. :)

Do you remember the Crush Turtle from "Finding Nemo"?! Well... Number one, I'm not gonna talk about the turtle. Number two, I just wanna share about my feelings. Huhu. Thus, our theme for this entry is "Lost in Emotion".

Some people believe that having crushes is just for kids. I beg to differ. If that's the case, why am I still having that tingling sensation whenever I set my eyes on certain people?! I am now officially 26...oh wait... could it be 27? I was born on 27 Dec 1987. So, how old am I now exactly?! Cricket...cricket... Anyway, at my age, I still enjoy having crushes on certain people. One definite reason is due to availability issue. I know I can never have them FOR REAL. So, let them be stored in my crush account. Be reminded that a crush feeling can prolong for a period of time and it can re-emerge one day once the 'switch' is triggered.

Now, let's talk about love.Yup. I am positive. What is love? Love is defined as the most spectacular, deep, sometimes indescribable feeling for someone (Urban Dictionary, 2005). Such a strong word if you ask me. In short, love is a feeling. A feeling is developed when something or someone triggers your specific emotion(s) that drives you to do something in return (Ahmad Niza, 2013). To sum it up, love is a committed feeling for someone/something. Ok, that's my interpretation. Is it hard to love? Well, it depends. It took me three minutes to love a cat. It took me three years to love a dear friend. Kidding. Kidding. You know when you're in love, you become restless. You feel incomplete. You smirk in public. You smile reading a simple "Ok" text message. You skip your meals just to be with him/her. You pretend to like what he/she likes. When you're in love, your world is colorful. Life is a land of colorful rainbow with unicorns in it. Bottom line; you are not yourself when you're in love! (p/s - This is not based on my experience..just merely my observation :P)

Moving on, INFATUATION. This is when you have a crush-like feeling for a short period of time. Unlike crush, infatuation is just temporary. Unlike love, it's easier to wipe of your feeling for someone if it's just an infatuation. In different perspective, infatuation can happen at the early stage of love. This is when you question yourself; "Why do I love him/her?" Is this "Love" or "Lust"? This feeling can be addictive if you keep clinging on the sweet lovey-dovey memories of the ever confusing love feeling. Infatuation is when you are being selfish with your desires. Yes, it drives you mad. It is also indescribable sometimes. One thing to know whether you're infatuating is after you get what you desire (i.e: Having a kiss), you feel like that's the last. It's like; "Oh, ok..so that's how it feels to kiss." Whatever it is, I have to say.. the feeling is still intense.

Be it a crush, love or an infatuation, you have to take care of your feelings. Don't drive it over the limit or else, you'll be devastated and heartbroken. They say in Bahasa, "Nak kene servis hati". Yup, our heart needs proper care and service too. How to service your heart? Proper dieting is highly encouraged. Hehe. Kidding. Well, you need to evaluate your feelings. Consider your feelings and the other party's too. Are you ready to handle the conflicts to come? Human beings are complex. Don't expect the other party to have the same feeling like you. The levels might differ and sometimes it's not mutual. My advice is, learn to love by learning about your partner. Observe and pay attention.

Ok, it's time to put an end to this crap. Honestly, I have no idea what the hell did I just write???? It's 12.52 AM and I am already sleepy. Goodnight.

Till we meet again Mr. Bloggy, toodles :)